LIBRARY 

OF  THE 

UNivERSiTy  OF  California. 

GIFT    OF 

The  Bangroft  Lr^R4RY- 

f/S 

Class       Ll*s^^ 


Ua^/ic^Uy 


^  /63l(T 


,^3 


^r    / 


7   /•    >• 


.  Lyrics  of  the  Law. 


LYRICS 
OF   THE    LAW. 


A      RECITAL    OF     SONGS     AND     VERSES      PERTINENT     TO      THE 

LAW    AND    THE    LEGAL    PROFESSION,    SELECTED 

FROM    VARIOUS    SOURCES, 


-BY- 


J.    GREENBAG    CROKE. 


"Come  you  of  the  law  who  can  talk  if  you  please. 
Till  the  man  in  the  moon  will  allow  it's  a  cheese ; 
And  leave  the  olc"  lady  who  never  tells  lies 
To  sleep  with  iiei>h&'htvkcrciii<jf  over  I^er  oy^j." 


San  Francisco: 
SUMNER   WHITNEY   &    CO., 

1884. 


Copyright,   1884, 


BY 


J.    GREENBAG    CROKE. 


r  c  . 


V  I         t  I 


1 1      «    t 


I .    •-    ,    •     t 


«  t    t     I         t   t'     t     «^  c  '^  c      t 


YE  PLAY  BrLL. 

Mr.  Croke,  desiring  to  share  with  a  larger  audience  the  verses 
read  or  sung  from  time  to  time  with  little  groups  of  friends,  now 
offers  this 

KECITAL. 

He  presents  a  novel  theme,  The  Law,  and  a  programme  diver- 
sified with  song,  recitative,  chant,  and  chorus. 

The  lines  are  by  many  hands,  the  Ust  of  contributors  forming  a 
galaxy  of  names  renowned  in  their  i^rofession,  though  unsuspected 
of  lyric  ix)wers,  such  as  Sir  William  Blackstone,  John  William 
Smith,  Lord  Neaves,  George  Outram,  Mr.  Justice  Story,  Judges 
Joel  Parker  and  E.  M.  Charlton,  Mr.  Panch,  and  a  host  of  others.^ 

The  music  is  varied,  with  airs  old  as  "Malbrook,"  familiar  as 
"Home  Sweet  Home,"  quaint  as  "Peggie  is  Over  ye  Sea,"  and 
jolly  as  "  Co-ca-che-lunk." 

His  recital  will  not  prove  an  idle  amusement,  but  a  moral  and 
instructive  recreation,  teaching  many  things  touching  the  law 
otherwise  to  be  learned  only  by  tedious,  soiTOwful,  and  it  may  be 
ruinous  experience. 

Assured  of  succe-s,'^  he  is  pleased  to  announce  a  second  series 
of  more  dramatic  readings,  which  will  be  given  at  an  early  day.^ 
With  this  announcement  as  the  prehminary  wave  of  his  baton 
that  beribboned  emblem  of  harmonious  power  is  now  upheld,  for 
one  brief  moment  motionless,  silently  soliciting  the  attention 
of  all. 

Signed  the  10th  day  of  January,  1831. 

J.  Gkeenbag  CriOKE. 


1  Among  the  names  noted  in  literature  here  represented  are  Wil- 
liam Cowper,  Thomas  Moore,  Dr.  Franklin,  John  Gibson  Lo^khart,  Dr. 
Oliver  Wendell  Holmes,  John  G.  Saxe,  Tom  Taylor,  W.  S.  Gilbert,  and 
T.  H.  K.  Printer.  ^ 

2  Always  heralded  in  the  play-bills  printed  before  the  show, 

3  Entitled  'Poems of  the  Law,"  San  Francisco,  18&1. 


235150 


THE    PROGEAMME. 


PAGE 

A  Lawyer's  Farewell  to  his  Muse 11 

The  Lawyer's  Prayer 16 

A  Flight  of  Fancy 18 

To  A  Sparrow 23 

On  the  Approach  of  Spring 26 

SwTEET  Autumn  Days 27 

Pastoral  for  the  Long  Vacation 28 

Trills  for  Term  Time 29 

Response  at  Boston  Bar  Banquet 30 

CUPID'S  COUHT. 

Nonsuited 33 

The  Special  Pleader's  Lament 34 

Law  Love 38 

Lines  to  Bessy 39 

Law  at  our  Boarding-House 41 

The  Lawyer's  Valentine 43 

The  Lawyer's  Suit 45 

To ,  A  Lawyer 47 

A  Moan  from  the  San  Francisco  Bar 50 

Professional  Love  Song 52 

The  Lawyers'  Stratagem 55 

Love  and  Law 57 

In  Woman's  Praise 62 


Programme. 

THE  LAW. 

An  Old  Saw (55 

Law  :  A  Comic  Soxg 06 

The  Annuity G9 

The  Annuitant's  Answer 70 

A  Fragment 70 

Minimum  db  INIalis 80 

A  Lay  of  Gascoigne  Justice 81 

Ye  Juvenile  Offender 87 

The  Law  of  Marriage 89 

The  Tourist's  Matrimonial  Guide 92 

The  Purchasin(j  of  Land 96 

The  Jolly  Testator 98 

Will  of  William  Euffell 101 

Will  of  J.  C.  Grocott,  Solicitor 104 

Will  of  Joshua  West 106 

Will  of  James  Bigsby 107 

Wills  without  Lawyers 110 

Make  thy  Will Ill 

Question  of  Testamentary  Interpretation 113 

Canons  of  Descent 115 

KuLEs  of  Descent  in  the  United  States 117 

Variation  of  the  Rule  in  Shelley's  Case 120 

THE  PROFESSION. 

St.  Peter  v.  A  Lawyer 123 

Justice  and  the  Lawyer 127 

The  Devil  and  the  Lawyers 130 

The  Farmer  and  the  Counselor 132 

The  Counsel's  Tear 134 

Baines  Carew,  Gentleman 13() 

Poor  Richard's  Opinion 140 


Prof/ramme.  ix 

The  Rush  to  the  Bar 141 

The  Song  of  the  Intrant 144 

Crossing  the  Rubicon 148 

Advice  to  a  Young  Lawyer 151 

On  Hearing  an  Argument  in  Court 154 

The  Briefless  Barrister 155 

Elegy  in  the  Temple  Gardens 158 

The  Brief 1G5 

The  Eirst  Client 166 

Monody  on  the  Death  of  an  Only  Client 170 

A  Successful  Career 173 

The  Vision  and  the  Reality 174 

A  Whimsical  Attorney's  Bill 177 

The  Bachelor's  Dream 179 

My  Widow 182 

monboddo 185 

THE  PRACTICE. 

The  Process  of  Wakening 186 

soumin  and  roumin 189 

The  Rule  to  Compute 192 

A  Misjoinder 194 

The  Orderly  Part  OF  Pleading 196 

Jury  Trial  in  the  Days  of  Edward  I 199 

The  Pet  of  the  British  Jury 202 

Digest  of  Lord 's  Evibence 205 

Light  from  an  Eminent  S.  S.  C 206 

The  Jury  Law  Victim 208 

Juror  Number  Six 210 

The  Home  Circuit 212 

The  Mississippi  Witness 213 

The  Demise  of  Doe  and  Roe 216 

The  Circuiteer's  Lament 221 


.  Program'me. 


THE  REPORTS. 

A  Case  of  Libel 225 

Keport  of  an  Adjudged  Case  228 

Hat  r.  Wig 230 

The  Case  Altered 234 

Settlement  Cases 237 

Punch  in  Chancery. 239 

State  v.  Day 241 

Cooper  v.  Bloodgood 248 

Craft  v.  Boite 253 

Regina  I'.  Gallars 257 

Lewis  v.  State 259 

Kuhn  et  al.  v.  Jewett,  Receiver 264 

Cushing  v.  Blake 266 

Commonwealth  v.  McAfee 268 

Opinion  of  the  Justices 269 

Luther  v.  Worcester 270 

The  Lad  frae  Cockpen 271 

Kerr  v.  Kekr 273 

Tuff  v.  Warman 274 

Hopkins  v.  Western  Pacific  R.  R.  Co 280 

McVey  v.  Hennigan 290 


}  \  s   ^ 


,    ,,'->' 


LYRICS   OF    THE  LAW. 


A  LAWYER'S  FAREWELL  TO  HIS  MUSE. 

As  by  some  tyrant's  stern  command 
A  wretch  forsakes  his  native  land, 
In  foreign  climes  condemned  to  roam, 
An  endless  exile  from  his  home ; 
Pensive  he  treads  the  destined  way, 
And  dreads  to  go,  nor  dares  to  stay ; 
Till  on  some  neighboring  mountain's  brow 
He  stops,  and  turns  his  eye  below ; 
There,  melting  at  the  well-known  vie\;v, 
Drops  a  last  tear  and  bids  adieu : 
So  I,  thus  doom'd  from  thee  to  part, 
Gay  queen  of  Fancy  and  of  Art, 
Reluctant  move,  with  doubtful  mind, 
Oft  stop,  and  often  look  behind. 

Companion  of  my  tender  age, 
Serenely  gay,  and  sweetly  sage, 
How  blithesome  were  we  wont  to  rove 
By  verdant  hill  or  shady  grove. 


1^  A  Lawyer's  FareiGell  to  His  Muse. 

Where  fervent  bees,  with  huniming  voice, 
Around  the  honey'd  oak  rejoice, 
And  aged  ehns,  with  awful  bend, 
In  long  cathedral  walks  extend ! 
Lulled  by  the  Lipse  of  gliding  floods, 
Cheer'd  by  the  warbling  of  the  woods, 
HoAV  blest  my  days,  my  thouglits  how  free. 
In  sweet  society  with  thee ! 
Then  all  was  joyous,  all  was  young, 
And  years  unheeded  roU'd  along : 
But  now  the  pleasing  dream  is  o'er. 
These  scenes  must  charm  me  now  no  more. 
Lost  to  the  field,  and  torn  from  you — • 
Farewell! — a  long,  a  last  adieu. 

The  wrangling  courts  and  stubborn  Law 
To  smoke,  and  crowds  and  cities  draw; 
There  selfish  Faction  rules  the  day. 
And  Pride  and  Avarice  throng  the  way ; 
Diseases  taint  the  murky  air, 
And  midnight  conflagrations  glare  ; 
Loose  Revelry  and  Riot  bold 
In  frighted  street  their  orgies  hold ; 
Or  when  in  silence  all  is  drown'd, 
Fell  Murder  walks  her  lonely  round ; 
iNo  room  for  Peace,  no  room  for  you — 
Adieu,  celestial  Nymph,  adieu! 


A  Lawyer's  Farewell  to  His  Muse.  1^ 

Shakespeare  no  more,  thy  sylvan  son, 

Nor  all  the  art  of  Addison, 

Pope's  heaven-strung  lyre,  nor  Waller's  ease, 

Nor  Milton's  mighty  self  must  please ; 

Instead  of  these,  a  formal  band 

In  furs  and  coifs  around  me  stand, 

With  sounds  uncouth  and  accents  dry, 

That  grate  the  soul  of  harmony. 

Each  pedant  sage  unlocks  his  store 

Of  mystic,  dark,  discordant  lore. 

And  points  with  tott'ring  hand  the  ways 

That  lead  me  to  the  thorny  maze. 

There,  in  a  winding,  close  retreat, 
Is  Justice  doom'd  to  fix  her  seat ; 
There,  fenc'd  by  bulwarks  of  the  Law^ 
She  keeps  the  wondering  world  in  awe; 
And  there,  from  vulgar  sight  retired, 
Like  eastern  queens,  is  much  admired. 

O,  let  me  pierce  the  secret  shade, 
Where  dwells  the  venerable  maid ! 
There  humbly  mark,  with  reverent  awe, 
The  guardian  of  Britannia's  Law; 
Unfold  with  joy  her  sacred  page 
(The  united  boast  of  many  an  age, 


14  A  Lawyer  s  Farewell  to  His  3Iase. 

Where  raix'd,  yet  unifonn,  appears 
The  wisdom  of  a  thousand  years). 
In  that  pure  spring  the  bottom  view, 
Clear,  deep,  and  regularly  true, 
And  other  doctrines  tlience  imbibe, 
Than  lurk  within  the  sordid  scribe  ; 
Observe  how  parts  with  parts  unite 
In  one  harmonious  rule  of  right ; 
See  countless  wheels  distinctly  tend 
By  various  laws  to  one  great  end ; 
While  mighty  Alfred's  piercini^  soul 
Pervades  and  regulates  the  whole. 

Then  welcome  business,  welcome  strife, 
Welcome  the  cares,  the  thorns  of  life. 
The  visage  wan,  the  pore-blind  sight. 
The  toil  by  day,  the  lamp  by  night, 
The  tedious  forms,  the  solemn  prate, 
The  pert  dispute,  the  dull  debate. 
The  drowsy  bench,  the  babbling  hall — 
For  thee,  fair  Justice,  welcome  all ! 

Thus,  though  my  noon  of  life  be  past. 
Yet  let  mv  settinGi:  sun  at  last 
Find  out  the  still,  the  rural  cell, 
Where  sage  Retirement  loves  to  dwell ! 


A  Lawyer's  Farewell  to  His  3Iuse.  15 

There  let  me  taste  the  home-felt  bliss 
Of  innocence  and  inward  peace  ; 
Untainted  by  the  guilty  bribe  ; 
Uncurs'd  amid  the  harpy  tribe ; 
No  orphan's  cry  to  wound  my  ear ; 
My  honor  and  my  conscience  clear : 
Thus  may  I  calmly  meet  ray  end, 
Thus  to  the  grave  in  peace  descend. 


16  Lawyer^s  Prayer. 


LAWYER'S  PRAYER. 

Ordaix'd  to  tread  the  thorny  ground, 
Where  very  few,  I  fear,  are  sound  ; 
Mine  be  the  conscience  void  of  blame, 
The  upright  heart,  the  spotless  name, 
The  tribute  of  the  widow's  prayer, 
The  righted  orphan's  grateful  tear ! 
To  Virtue  and  her  friends  a  friend, 
Still  may  my  voice  the  weak  defend! 
Ne'er  may  my  prostituted  tongue 
Protect  the  oppressor  in  his  wrong ; 
Nor  wrest  the  spirit  of  the  laws, 
To  sanctify  the  villain's  cause ! 
Let  others,  with  unsparing  hand. 
Scatter  their  poison  through  the  land, 
Enflame  dissension,  kindle  strife, 
And  strew  with  ills  the  path  of  life; 
On  such  her  gifts  let  Fortune  shower. 
Add  wealth  to  wealth  and  power  to  j^ower: 
On  me,  may  favoring  Heaven  bestow 
That  peace  which  good  men  only  know. 
The  joy  of  joys  by  few  possess'd, 
The  eternal  sunshine  of  the  breast ! 


Laicyers  Pra;/er.  17 

Power,  fame,  and  ricliea  I  resign — 
The  praise  of  honesty  be  mine ; 
That  friends  may  weep,  the  worthy  sigh, 
And  poor  men  bless  me  when  I  die ! 


18  A  Flight  of  Fancy. 


A   FLIGHT   OF   FANCY. 

At  the   bar  of   Judge   Conscience,  stood    Reason 

arraign'd, 
The  jury  mipaneli'd,the  prisoner  cham'd. 
The  judge  was  facetious,  at  times,  though  severe, 
Now  waking  a  smile,  and  now  drawing  a  tear; 
An  old-fashion'd,  fidg'ty,  queer-looking  wight, 
With  a  clerical  air,  and  an  eye  quick  as  light. 

"  Here,  Eeason,  you  vagabond  !  look  in  my  face  ;. 
Fm  told  you're  becoming  an  idle  scapegrace. 
They  say  that  young  Fancy,  that  airy  coquette. 
Has  dared  to  fling  round  you  her  luminous  net ; 
That  she  ran  away  with  you,  in  spite  of  yourself, 
For  pure  love  of  frolic — the  mischievous  elf. 

"  The  scandal  is  whispered  by  friends  and  by  foes. 
And  darkly  they  hint  too,  that  when  they  propose 
Any  question  to  your  ear,  so  lightly  you're  led, 
At  once  to  gay  Fancy  you  turn  your  wild  liead ; 
And  she  leads  you  off  in  some  dangerous  dance, 
As  wild  as  the  polka  that  gallop'd  from  France. 

"Now   up   to   the   stars   with  you,   laughing,  she 

springs. 
With  a  whirl  and  a  whisk  of  her  changeable  wings; 


A  Flight  of  Fancy.  19 

Kow  dips  in  some  fountain  her  sun-painted  plume, 
That  gleams   thro'   the   spray   like    a   rainbow    in 

bloom ; 
Now  floats  in  a  cloud,  while  her  tresses  of  light 
Shine  through  the  frail  boat  and  illumine  its  flight; 
Now  glides   tiirough  the  woodland  to  gather  its 

flowers ; 
Now  darts  like  a  flash  to  the  sea's  coral  bowers ; 
In  short — cuts  such  capers,  that  with  her  I  ween 
It's  a  wonder  you  are  not  ashamed  to  be  seen ! 

"  Then  she  talks  such  a  language !  melodious  enough, 
To  be  sure — but  a  strange  sort  of  outlandish  stufl"! 
I'm  told  that  it  licenses  many  a  whopper. 
And  when  once  she  commences  no   frowning  can 

stop  her ; 
Since  it's  new — I've  no  doubt  it  is  very  improper ! 
They  say  that  she  cares  not  for  order  or  law ; 
That  of  you — you  great  dunce ! — she  but  makes  a 

cat's-paw. 
I've  no  sort  of  objection  to  fun  in  its  season, 
But   it's   plain   that   this   Fancy   is   fooling   you, 

Reason ! " 

Just  then  into  court  flew  a  strange  little  sprite, 
With  wings  of  all  colors  and  ringlets  of  light ! 


20  A  Flight  of  Fancy. 

She  frolick'd  round  Eeason — till  Reason  grew  wild, 
Defying  the  court  and  caressing  the  child. 
The  judge  and  the  jury,  the  clerk  and  recorder, 
In  vain  call'd  this  exquisite  creature  to  order  :— 
"Unheard  of  intrusion  !  " — They  bustled  about, 
To  seize  her,  but,  wild  with  delight  at  the  rout, 
She  flew  from  their  touch  like  a  bird  from  a  spray, 
And  went  waltzing  and  whirling  and  singing  away ! 

Now  up  to  the  ceiling,  now  down  to  the  floor ! 
"Were  never  such  antics  in  court-house  before! 
But  a  lawyer,  well  versed  in  the  tricks  of  his  trade, 
A  trap  for  the  gay  little  innocent  laid  : 
He  held  up  a  mirror^  and  Fancy  was  caught 
By  her  image  within  it,  so  lovely,  she  thought. 
What  could  the  fair  creature  be?     Bending  its  eyes 
On  her  own  with  so  wistful  a  look  of  surprise ! 
She  flew  to  embrace  it.     The  lawyer  was  ready ! 
He  closed  round  the  sprite  a  grasp  cool  and  steady, 
And  she  sigh'd,  while  he  tied   her  two   luminous 

wings, 
"Ah !  Fancy  and  Falsehood  are  different  things ! " 

The  witnesses — maidens  of  uncertain  age, 
With  a  critic,  a  publisher,  a  lawyer  and  sage — 
All  scandalized  greatly  at  what  they  had  heard 
Of  this  ])Oor  little  Fancy,  (who  flew  like  a  bird !) 


A  Might  of  Fancy.  21 

Were  call'd  to  the  stand  and  their  evidence  gave  : 
The    judge  charged    the  jury,  with    countenance 

grave. 
Their  verdict    was  "guilty,"  and    Reason   look'd 

down, 
As  his  honor  exhorted  her  thus,  with  a  frown  : — 

"  This  Fancy,  this  vagrant,  for  life  shall  be  chain'd 
In  your  own   little  cell,  where  yoic  should    have 

remain'd ; 
And  you,  for  your  punishment,  jailer  shall  be : 
Don't  let  your  accomplice  come  coaxing  to  me ! 
I'll  none  of  her  nonsense — the  little  wild  witch  ! 
Nor  her  bribes — although  rumor  does  say  she  is 

rich. 

"  I've  heard  that  all  treasures  and  luxuries  rare 
Gather  round  at  her  bidding,  from  earth,  sea,  and 

air; 
And  some  go  so  far  as  to  hint  that  the  powers 
Of  darkness  attend  her  more  sorrowful  hours. 
But  go ! " — and  Judge  Conscience,  who  never  was 

bought, 
Just  bow'd  the  pale  prisoner  out  of  the  court. 

'Tis  said  that  poor  Reason  next  morning  was  found 
At  the  door  of  her  cell  fast  asleep  on  the  ground, 


22  A  Flight  of  Fancy. 

And  nothing  within,  but  one  plume  rich  and  rare, 
Just  to  show  that  young  Fancy's  wing  once  had 

been  there. 
She  had  dropped  it,  no  doubt,  while  she  strove  to 

get  through 
The  hole  in  the  lock,  which  she  could  not  undo. 


To  a  Sparrow.  23 


TO  A    SPARROW 

ALIGHTING  BEFORE  THE  JUDGES'  CHAMBERS  IN  SER- 
GEANTS' INN,  FLEET  STREET.  WRITTEN  IN  HALF 
AN    HOUR,    WHILE    ATTENDING    A    SUMMONS. 


Art  thou  solicitor  for  all  thy  tribe, 

That  thus  I  now  behold  thee  ? — one  that  comes 
Down  amid  bail-above,  an  under  scribe, 

To  sue  for  crumbs  ? — 
Away!  'tis  vain  to  ogle  round  the  square, — 

I  fear  thou  hast  no  head, 

To  think  to  get  thy  bread 
Where  lawyers  are ! 

Say,  hast  thou  pulled  some  sparrow  o'er  the  coals, 

And  flitted  here  a  summons  to  indite  ? 

I  only  hope  no  cursed  judicial  kite 
Has  struck  thee  off  the  rolls ! 
I  scarce  should  dream  thee  of  the  law ;  and  yet 

Thine  eye  is  keen  and  quick  enough ;  and  still 
Thou  bear'st  thyself  with  perk  and  tiny  fret : 

But  then  how  desperately  short  thy  bill! 
How  quickly  raight'st  thou  be  of  that  bereft  I 
A  sixth  "taxed  off,"  how  little  would  be  left! 


24  To  a  Sparroxn. 

Art  thou  on  summons  come  or  order  bent  ? 

Tell  me,  for  I  am  sick  at  heart  to  know. 
Say,  in  the  sky  is  there  "  distress  for  rent," 

That  thou  hast  flitted  to  the  courts  below  ? 
If  thou  icouldst  haul  some  f^parrow  o'er  the  coals, 

And  wouldst  his  spirit  hamper  and  perplex — 
Go  to  John  Body— he's  available — • 

Sign,  swear,  and  get  a  bill  of  Middlesex, 
Returnable  (mind,  bailable !) 
On  "Wednesday  after  th'  morrow  of  All  Souls. 

Or  dost  thou  come  a  sufferer  ?     I  see — 

I  see  thee  "  cast  thy  bail-i\i\  eyes  around  " ; 
O,  call  James  White,  and  he  will  set  thee  free. 
He  and  John  Baines  will  speedily  be  bound, 
In  double  the  fcum, 
That  thou  wilt  come, 
And  meet  the  plaintiff  Bird  on  legal  ground. 

But  stand — O,  stand  aside  ! — for  look, 

Judge  Best,  on  no  fantastic  toe, 
Through  dingy  arch — by  dirty  nook — 
Across  the  yard  into  his  room  doth  go ; — 
And  wisely  there  doth  read 
Summons  for  time  to  plead, 
And  frame 
Order  for  same. 


To  a  Sparrow.  25 


Thou  twittering,  legal,  foolish,  feather'd  thing, 

A  tiny  boy,  with  salt  for  latitat^ 
Is  sneaking,  bailiff-like,  to  touch  thy  wing ; — 

Canst  thou  not  see  the  trick  he  would  be  at? 
Away,  away !  and  let  him  not  prevail. 

I  do  rejoice  thou'rt  off,  and  yet  I  groan 

To  read  in  that  boy's  silly  fate  my  own ; 

I  am  at  fault. 

For  from  my  attic  though  I  brought  my  salt^ 
I've  failed  to  put  a  little  on  thy  tale. 

3 


2^  0)1  the  Approach  of  Spring. 


OX  THE   APPROACH   OF   SPRING. 

LINES    WRITTEN    IN    A    LAWYER's    OFFICE. 

Whereas,  on  certain  boughs  and  sprays, 
Now  divers  birds  are  heard  to  sing:. 

And  sundry  flowers  their  heads  upraise — 
Hail  to  the  coming  on  of  Spring. 

The  sonii^s  of  those  said  birds  arouse 
The  memory  of  our  youthful  hours, 

As  green  as  those  said  sprays  and  boughs, 
As  fresh  and  sweet  as  those  said  flowers. 

The  birds  aforesaid — happy  pairs ! — 
Love  'midst  the  aforesaid  boughs  enshrines, 

In  freehold  nests,  themselves,  their  heirs, 
Administrators,  and  assigns. 

O,  busiest  term  of  Cupid's  court ! 

Where  tender  plaintiffs  actions  bring; 
Season  of  frolic  and  of  sport. 

Hail,  as  aforesaid,  coming  Spring! 


Sweet  Autumn  Days,  27 


SWEET  AUTUMN  DAYS. 

Sweet  autumn  days,  sweet  autumn  days, 

When,  harvest  o'er,  the  reaper  slumbers, 
How  gratefully  I  hymn  your  praise, 

In  modest  but  melodious  numbers. 
But  if  I'm  ask'd  why  'tis  I  make 

Autumn  the  theme  of  insj^iration, 
I'll  tell  the  truth,  and  no  mistake — 

With  autumn  comes  the  long  vacation. 
Of  falsehoods  I'll  not  shield  me  with  a  tissue- 
Autumn  I  love — because  no  writs  then  issue. 

Others  may  hail  the  joys  of  spring. 

When  birds  and  buds  alike  are  growing; 
Some  the  summer  days  may  sing, 

When  sowing,  mowing,  on  are  going. 
Old  winter,  with  his  hoary  locks, 

His  frosty  face  and  visage  murky, 
May  suit  some  very  jolly  cocks. 

Who  like  roast  beef,  mince  pie,  and  turkey 
But  give  me  autumn — yes,  I'm  autumn's  child- 
For  then — no  declarations  can  be  filed. 


28  Pastoral  for  the  Long    Vacation. 


PASTORAL    FOR   THE    LONG    VACATION. 

See  Sergeant  Tityrus — in  rural  ease, 

Forgetting  all  the  cares  of  Common  Pleas, 

Taking  beneath  some  shady  beecli  his  station. 

To  sip  the  honey  of  the  long  A'^acation. 

Ye  nymphs,  beware  should  Tityrus  seek  your  grove, 

For  his  "  attachment "  is  no  name  for  love. 

The  gentle  lamblings  cluster  idly  round, 

Lured  by  his  legal  pipe's  too  dulcet  sound. 

All !  little  do  ye  think,  ye  simple  sheep, 

(Or  at  a  greater  distance  ye  would  keep,) 

That  he  whose  plaintive  strains  3^6  flock  to  hear. 

Knows  not  a  greater  j^leasure  than  to  shear. 

Viewing  your  curling  fleece,  it  o'er  him  flits, 

The  hide  beneath  is  meant  to  furnish  writs ; 

While  all  the  woolly  treasures  on  your  back 

He  hopes  one  day  may  stuff  for  him  the  sack. 


Trills  for   Term- Time.  29 


TEILLS  FOR   TERM-TIME. 

How  sweet  'tis  to  stroll  by  the  streams  of  Demurrer, 
Where  Detinue  sighs  to  the  evening  breeze ; 

WJiere  groves  of  Mandamus  are  mellowed  in  color, 
And  high  soar  the  Costs  in  E>( chequer  of  Pleas. 

*Tis  there  that  the  sisters  Assumpsit  and  Trover 

Disport  with  the  Mortgages  sitting  in  banc, 
While  around  the  fierce  Chattels  anii  Cognizance 
hover, 

And  Rejoinders  gnash  rage  as  their  fetters  they 
clank. 

Dark  Venue  broods  there,  'mid  the  bleak  Certiorari, 
The  coo  of  the  distant  Avowry  is  heard  ; 

But  the  sprightly  Malfeazance  trips  light  as  a  fairy, 
With  the  mild  Surrebutter  and  Judsjment  De- 
ferred. 

O,  'tis  there  I  would  muse,  and  I'd  dream  of  Assizes 
And  feast  on  ripe  Codicil  and  Assignee  ; 

Or,  soothed  by  the  strain  of  the  dulcet  Demises, 
I'd  quaff  foaming  goblets  of  Felo-de-se. 


30  JBoston  J^ar  Banqiiet. 


A  EESPONSE. 

ITis  Honor's  father  yet  remains 

His  proud  paternal  j^osture  firm  in ; 
But,  while  his  right  he  still  maintains 
To  wield  the  household  rod  and  reins, 
He  bows  before  the  filial  ermine. 

What  curious  tales  has  life  in  store, 

With  all  its  must-bes  and  its  may-bes ! 
The  sage  of  eighty  years  and  more 
Once  crept  a  nursling  on  the  floor — 

Kings,  conquerors,  judges,  all  were  babies. 

The  fearless  soldier  who  has  faced 

The  serried  bayonets'  gleam  appalling. 
For  nothing  save  a  pin  misplaced 
The  peaceful  nursery  has  disgraced 
With  hours  of  unheroic  bawlins:. 


'»• 


The  mighty  monarch,  whose  renown 
Fills  up  the  stately  page  historic. 
Has  howled  to  waken  half  the  town. 
And  finished  off  by  gulping  down 
His  castor  (il  or  paregoric. 


Jjoston  Bar  Banquet.  31 

The  justice,  who  in  gown  and  cap 

Condemns  a  wretch  to  strangulation, 
Has  scratched  his  nurse  and  spilled  his  pap, 
And  sprawled  across  his  mother's  lap 
For  wholesome  laws'  administration. 

* 

Ah !  life  has  many  a  reef  to  shun 

Before  in  port  we  drop  our  anchor ; 
But  when  its  course  is  nobly  run, 
Look  aft !  for  there  the  work  was  done : 
Life  owes  its  headway  to  the  spanker. 

Yon  seat  of  justice  well  might  awe 

The  fairest  manhood's  half-blown  summer; 
There  Parsons  scourged  the  laggard  law, 
There  reigned  and  ruled  majestic  Shaw — 
What  ghosts  to  hail  the  last  new-comer ! 

One  cause  of  fear  I  faintly  name — 

The  dread  lest  duty's  dereliction 
Shall  give  so  rarely  cause  for  blame, 
Our  guileless  voters  will  exclaim, 

"No  need  of  human  jurisdiction !  " 

What  keeps  the  doctors'  trade  alive? 
Bad  air,  bad  water ;  more's  the  pity ! 


32  Boston  Bar  Banquet, 

But  lawyers  walk  where  doctors  drive, 
And  starve  in  streets  where  surgeons  thrive, 
Our  Boston  is  so  pure  a  city.. 

What  call  for  court  or  judge,  indeed, 

When  righteousness  prevails  so  througli  it? 

Our  virtuous  car-conductors  need 

Only  a  card  whereon  they  read : 

"  Do  right ;  it's  naughty  not  to  do  it !  " 

The  whirligig  of  time  goes  round. 

And  changes  all  things  but  affection ; 
One  blessed  comfort  may  be  found 
In  heaven's  broad  statute,  which  has  bound 
Each  household  to  its  head's  proU  ction. 

If  e'er  aggrieved,  attacked,  accused, 
A  sire  may  claim  a  son's  devotion 

To  shield  his  innocence  abused. 

As  old  Anchises  freely  used 

His  offspring's  legs  for  locomotion. 

You  smile.     You  did  not  come  to  "weep, 

Nor  I  my  weakness  to  be  showing; 
And  these  gay  stanzas,  slight  and  cheap. 
Have  served  their  simple  use — to  keep 
A  father's  eyes  from  overflowing. 


Nonsuited.  33 


NONSUITED. 

Ix  Cupid's  Court  when  suit  is  brought 
Attachment  must  precede  it; 

For  when  a  final  judgment'* s  reached, 
The  plaintiff'* s  sure  to  need  it. 

The  wee,  blind  judge  is  very  wroth 

If  legal /brms  are  slighted ; 
But  if  a  case  is  clearly  made 

His  Honor  is  delighted. 

Prolonged  complaints  he  ne'er  approves, 
Submission  never  warrants; 

Misjoined  the  parties  must  not  be — 
This  is  his  chief  abhorrence. 

An  honest,  earnest  plea  is  best — 
It  brings  no  vain  demurring  / 

The  issues  then  arc  quickly  joined, 
And  soon  may  come  concurring. 

If  he  may  take  who  fears  to  lose, 

Is  still  a  question  mooted ; 
But  who  declines  a  tender  made 

Must  surely  be  no)isuited. 


34  The  Special  Pleader'' s  Lame) it. 


THE   SPECIAL   PLEADER'S   LAMENT. 


TO 


Say,  Mary,  canst  thou  sympathize 
With  one  whose  heart  is  bleeding, 

Compell'd  to  wake  from  ''love's young  dream/' 
And  take  to  special  pleading? 

For,  since  I  lost  my  suit  to  you, 

I  care  not  now  a  fraction 
About  these  tiresome  suits  of  law, 

These  senseless  forms  of  action. 

But  in  my  lonely  chambers,  oft 

When  clients  leave  me  leisure, 
In  musing  o'er  departed  joys, 

I  find  a  mournful  pleasure. 

How  well  I  know  the  sj^ot  where  first 

I  saw  thy  form  ethereal ! 
But  ah !  in  transitory  things 

The  venue's  not  material ; 

And,  reading  Archbold's  Practice  now, 
I  scarce  believe  'tis  true. 


The  Special  Pleader's  Lament.  35 

That  I  could  set  my  heart  upon 
An  arch.,  hold  girl  like  you. 

But  then  that  bright  blue  eye  sent  forth 

A  most  unerring  dart, 
"Which,  like  a  special  capias,  made 

A  pris'ner  of  my  heart. 

And  in  the  weakness  of  my  soul, 

One  fatal,  long  vacation, 
I  gave  a  pledi^e  to  prosecute, 

And  filed  a  declaration. 

At  first,  your  taking  time  to  plead 

Gave  hopes  for  my  felicity ; 
The  doubtful  negative  you  spoke, 

Seem'd  bad  for  its  duplicity. 

And  then  that  blush  so  clearly  seemed 

To  pardon  my  transgression  j 
I  thought  I  was  about  to  snap 

A  judgment  by  confession. 

But  soon  I  learned  (most  fatal  truth !) 

How  rashly  I  had  counted  : 
For,  71071  assumpsit  was  the  plea 

To  which  it  all  amounted. 


36  The  Special  Pleader's  Lament. 

Deceitful  maid !  another  swain 
Was  then  beloved  by  thee ; 

The  preference  you  gave  to  him 
y^ -ds  fraudulent  to  me. 

[But  then,  alas !  the  Barons  held 
The  transfer  of  this  treasure 

Could  not  by  me  be  set  aside, 

Being  made  vfhQn  under  pressure,'] 

Ah!  when  we  love  (so  Shakspeare  says) 
Bad  luck  is  sure  to  have  us ; 

The  course  of  true  love  never  ran 
Without  some  special  traverse. 

Say,  what  inducement  could  you  have 

To  act  so  base  a  part  ? 
Without  this  that  you  smiled  on  me, 

I  ne'er  had  lost  my  heart. 

Mv  rival  I  was  doom'd  to  see 

A  husband's  rights  assert ; 
And  now  'tis  wrong  to  think  of  you. 

For  you're  2^  feme  covert. 

When  last  I  saw  your  son  and  heir, 
'Twas  wormwood  for  a  lover ; 


The  Special  Pleader^s  Lament.  37 

But  then  the  plea  of  infancy 
My  hcc^rt  could  not  get  over. 

I  kiss'd  the  little  brat,  and  said, 
"Much  happiness  I  wish  you," 

But  oh !  I  felt  he  was  to  me 
An  immaterial  issue  I 

Mary,  adieu !     I'll  mourn  no  more, 

Nor  pen  pathetic  ditties ; 
My  pleading  was  of  no  avail, 

And  so  I'll  stick  to  Chitty's. 

4 


^8  Laic-Love. 


LAW-LOVE. 

The  burning  of  a  man's  abode 
Is  punished  by  the  Penal  Code, 

With  loss  of  life  or  lands  ; 
Then  surelv  that  offense,  more  dire. 
Of  setting  all  his  heart  on  fire, 

Fit  penalty  demands. 

Dear,  guilty  girl — thou  guilty  dear — 
The  plaintiff  cites  you  to  appear 

In  presence  of  the  parson 
(lie  grants  tliat  you  may  fix  the  day), 
To  answer  in  the  usual  way 

This  last  aforesaid  Arson. 

Do  not  your  tender  guilt  deny, 
But  own  it,  darling,  with  a  sigh ; 

I  long  for  judgment  by  confession: 
Do  not  affect  the  law's  delay, 
And  force  me  still  to  plead  and  pray ; 

Concede  my  right  and  yield  possession. 


Lines  to  Bessy.  39 


LINES   TO  BESSY. 

My  lieart  is  like  a  title-deed, 

Or  abstract  of  the  same  ; 
Wherein,  my  Bessy,  thou  may'st  read 

Thine  own  lonsj-cherish'd  name. 

Against  thee  I  my  suit  hare  brought, 

I  am  thy  plaintiff  lover, 
And  for  the  heart  that  thou  hast  caught, 

An  action  lies — of  trover. 

Alas !  upon  me  every  day 
The  heaviest  costs  you  levy ; 

O  give  me  back  my  heart — but  nay ! 
I  feel  I  can't  replevy. 

ril  love  thee  with  my  latest  breath, 

Alas !  I  cannot  you  shun. 
Till  the  hard  grasp  of  Sheriff  death 

Takes  me  in  execution. 

Say,  Bessy  dearest,  if  you  will 

Accept  me  as  a  lover  ? 
Must  true  affection  file  a  bill 

The  secret  to  discover  ? 


-iO  Lines  to  Bessy. 

Is  it  my  income's  small  amount 
That  leads  to  hesitation  ? 

Refer  the  question  of  account 
To  Cupid's  arbitration. 


Law  at  our  l^oardiuQ-House.  41 


LAW  AT  OUR  BOARDING-HOUSE. 

As  fresh  as  a  pink,  on  the  other  side 

Of  the  boarding-house  table  she  sits,  and  sips 

Her  tea ;  while  I  envy  the  china  cup 
That  kisses  her  rosy  lips. 

She's  a  school-girl  still  in  her  teens ;  lier  hair 
She  wears  in  a  plait;  we  are  vls-d-vis ; 

And  I  am  a  briefless  barrister  ; — 
Yet  she  sometimes  smiles  at  me. 

My  law  professor  would  scowl,  no  doubt, 

Could   he   know   what   havoc  those    eyes   have 
wrought 

With  the  doctrines  of  law  he  first  instilled — 
What  lessons  those  lips  have  taught. 

"Attachment  can  never  come  before 

A  declaration,"  he  used  to  say ; 
But  this  little  girl  at  our  boarding-house 

Doesn't  put  the  thing  that  way. 

"  The  clerk  will  issue  a  rule  to  plead — 

And  pleadings  always  with  rules  must  chime  " ; 

No  need  for  "  a  rule  to  i^lead  "  with  her — 
And  her  rule-days  are — all  the  time ! 


42  Lmo  at  our  Boarding-House, 

The  old  law  maxim,  tlie  text-books  teach. 
And  the  judges  regard:  "  Quifacltper 

Aliuin^f licit  per  56,"  is  held 
In  ineffable  scorn  by  her. 

In  her  person  exist  together  at  once 

Defendant  and  judge  and  jury  and  clerk; 

So  that  one  would  imagine  to  win  a  cause 
In  this  court  were  an  up-hill  work. 

Yet  whenever  I  sit  at  the  table  there, 

I  fancy  a  table  where  only  two 
Are  company — till  I  say  to  myself  : 

"  Though  you  lose  the  case,  why  sue ! 

"E'en  thoucjh  she  demur  at  first — who  knows? — 
For  the  rest  of  your  joint  lives  made  one  life, 

You  may  learn  together  the  lesson  taught 
In  respect  to  Husband  and  Wife." 

Still  I  dally  in  doubt;  though  in  other  things 

I  flatter  myself  I  am  resolute  : 
For  a  bankrupt  heart  will  be  the  result, 

If  I'm  taxed  with  costs  in  this  suit. 


The  Lawyer's  Valentine.  43 


THE    LAWYER'S   VALENTINE. 

I'm  notified,  fair  neighbor  mine, 

33y  one  of  our  profession, 
That  this — the  Term  of  Valentine — 

Is  Cupid's  Special  Session. 

Permit  me,  therefore,  to  report 

Myself,  on  this  occasion, 
Quite  ready  to  proceed  to  Court, 

And  File  my  Declaration. 

I've  an  Attachment  for  you,  too; 

A  legal  and  a  strong  one ; 
O,  yield  unto  the  Process,  do ; 

Nor  let  it  be  a  lon2r  one ! 


o 


No  scowling  bailiff  lurks  behind  ; 

He'd  be  a  precious  noddy. 
Who,  failing  to  Arrest  the  mind, 

Should  go  and  Take  the  Body ! 

For  though  a  form  like  yours  might  throw 

A  sculptor  in  distraction ; 
I  couldn't  serve  a  Capias — no, 

I'd  scorn  sj  base  an  Action ! 


44  The  Lawyer's  Yalentine. 

O,  do  not  tell  me  of  your  youth, 
And  turn  away  demurely ; 

For  though  you're  very  young,  in  truth, 
You're  not  an  Infant  surely ! 

The  Case  is  everything  to  me ; 

My  heart  is  love's  own  tissue ; 
Don't  plead  a  Dilatory  Plea  ; 

Let's  have  the  General  Issue  ! 

Or,  since  you've  really  no  Defense, 
Why  not,  this  present  Session, 

Omitting  all  absurd  pretense, 
Give  judgment  by  Confession? 

So  shall  you  be  my  lawful  wife ; 

And  I — your  faithful  lover — 
Be  Tenant  of  your  heart  for  Life, 

With  no  Remainder  over ! 


The  Lawyer's  Suit.  45 


THE  LAWYER'S   SUIT. 

Am— "For  the  Lack  of  Gold." 

O  WHY,  lady,  why,  when  I  come  to  your  side, 
Repulse  your  poor  suitor  with  such  haughty  pride? 
That  you'll  never  wed  with  a  Lawyer  you  swear — 
But  why  so  averse  to  a  Lawyer,  my  dear? 

Can  it  be,  that  because  I  have  thought  and  have 

read. 
Till  my  heart  to  the  world  and  its  pleasures  is  dead  ? 
Pshaw !  my  heart  may  be  hard,  but  then  it  is  clear 
Your  triumph's  the  greater  to  melt  it,  my  dear ! 

Can  it  be  that  because  my  eyes  have  grown  dim, 
And  my  color  is  wan,  and  my  body  is  slim  ? 
Pshaw !  the  husk  of  the  almond  as  rough  does  ap- 

l^ear — 
But  what  do  you  think  of  the  kernel,  my  dear  ? 

Would  you  wed  with  a  Fop  full  of  aj^ish  grimace, 
Whose  antics  would  call  all  the  blood  to  your  face  ? 
Take  me,  from  confusion  you're  sure  to  be  clear, 
For  a  Lawyer's  ne'er  troubled  with   blushes,  my 
dear ! 


46  The  Lawyer's  Suit. 

"Would  you  wed  with  a  Merchant,  who'd  curse  and 

who'd  bann 
'Cause  he's  plagued  by  his  conscience  for  cheating 

a  man? 
Take  me,  and  be  sure  that  my  conscience  is  clear, 
For  a  Lawyer's  ne'er  troubled  with  conscience,  ray 

dear! 

Would  you  wed  with  a  Soldier  with  brains  made 

of  fuel, 
Who,  defendiuG:  his  honor,  is  killed  in  a  duel? 
Take  me,  and  such  danger  you've  no  need  to  fear, 
For  my  honor  is  not  worth  defending,  my  dear ! 

Come,  wed  with  a  Lawyer !  you  needn't  fear  strife, 
For  since  I  have  borne  with  the  courts  all  my  life, 
That  the  Devil  can't  ruffle  my  temper,  I'll  swear — 
And  I  hardly  think  you  could  do't  cither,  my  dear ! 


To  ,  The  Lawyer.  47 


TO  ,  THE  LAWYER. 

Lexd  me  your  ears,  thou  man  of  law, 
While  I  my  declaration  draw — 

Your  heart  in  fee  surrender  ; 
As  plaintiff  I  my  suit  prefer, 
'T  would  be  uncivil  to  demur, 

Then  let  your  plea  be — tender. 

On  certain  promises  I  sue. 
Given  at  sundry  times  by  you, 

O,  does  not  it  unnerve  thee  ! 
When  urged  by  passion's  boldest  fits, 
J  issue  one  of  Cupid's  writs, 

And  with  it  boldly  serve  thee ! 

Appear  in  person,  I  beseech, 
Nor  resignation  idly  teach 

To  one  already  lost,  sir  ; 
Proceedings  I  will  only  stay 
Upon  condition  that  you  pay 

At  once  the  debt  and  costs,  sir. 

Then  take  my  heart,  be  not  a  brute, 
But  ask  a  rule^ — just  to  compute 
The  misery  of  its  state,  man ; 


48  To  ,  The  Lawyer. 

Some  i^eople's  minds  are  wildly  thrown 
At  sixes  and  at  sev'ns  I  own  ; 
Mine's  all  at  six  and  eight,  man. 


List  to  the  evidence  that  I 
Of  my  affection  here  suj^ply, 

Examine  well  my  heart,  now; 
It  beats  with  such  tremendous  force, 
That  its  mere  motion  ("  quite  "  of  course) 

Is  like  a  iolting  cart,  now. 

My  judgment  by  default  is  gone. 
And  I,  alas !  go  raving  on, 

For  fear  you  should  forsake  me  ; 
There's  no  defense — don't  be  a  brute, 
I  give  you  a  rule  absolute. 

In  execution  take  me. 


By  act  of  Parliament  alone. 
But  by  no  action  of  your  own, 

A  gentleman  they  call  you; 
What's  that  to  me  ?  though  slander's  rife, 
I'm  still  i^rej^ared  to  be  your  wife. 

Although  disgrace  befall  you. 


To  ,  The  Lawyer.  49 

Your  dirty  pettifogging  tricks 

May  on  you  others'  hatred  fix, 

I  heed  not  their  reflections  ; 

]My  passion  now  defies  control, 

I  cannot  strike  you  off  the  roll 

Of  my  sincere  affections. 
5 


50     A  3Ioan  from  the  San  FranciucQ  Jjur, 


gi  'gitmi  from  i\xt  ^mx  ^tnntx^tm  §uy, 

©n  losing  an  Iistccmrtr  HaUg  j^rmfier. 

Slas !   tf)at  iHarg  sf)ouIti  unfaithful  be 

Eo  djffrful  ILa&j  an^i  glalisomc  lacjuitn; 

2Cf)at  tfje  firigfji  legal  promise  erst  sf)e  matst 

STILUS  quichia  from  ijrr  Ionian's  minlf  sljoutti  fatre ; 

SnlJ  all  tijc  glories  of  forensic  strife 

Sfjoulti  m;st:likc  banis]^  from  Ijrr  tircam  of  life. 

No  more  to  {[i^fjcmia  ioti^  Ijcr  fjomagc  lie, 

%]cx  Bent  anti  33larkstone  laiti  forcbrr  liji, 

^Irr  fcrain  no  more  pcrplcieti  iuitf)  Eato's  confccturcs, 

filer  eloquence  confineti  to  rurtain4ecturcs. 

'iHiti  iaijat  granti  projects  liilJ  fjer  iajj^tireams  pass ! 
"No  quibbling  frigfjt  sfjc'lr  tc !     No  Sallg  Jjrass! 
But  sometfjing  notlg  feminine,  to  force  ge 
Eo  atimiration,  —  lihe  Qntonio's  Portia." 
23ut  mark !    SubtiueU  antr  mcefe,  sljc  stantietl)  noiu, 
2i2Eitf)  ctimsoncU  ti^eck,— confusion  on  f)er  iroin,— 
€tone  all  f)er  legal  tact  anti  sljretoti  acumen, — 
l^er  nature  all  confcsscU,  — a  icrg  inoman. 

^cr  lioinnfall  Ijappencti  in  tijis  curious  luise: 
astraea  iucars  a  fianUagc  o'er  Ijer  cfics; 
33ut  tfjere's  anotljcc  ^Jcita  tijafs  filintieti,  — 
9n  infant  scapegrace,  sIq  anli  cijil=mintie&,  — 
EJHIjo  one  "Oas  probjleU  about  in  searef)  of  sport, 
anil  clambcreli  on  tljc  icncf)  anTJ  opencti  court; 
UL\)cre  stooU  our  iHaru,  fumijling  o'er  l)ct  papers, 
SJnioitting  tlje  de  facto  juligc's  capers. 


A  Moan  from  the  San  Francisco  Bar,     51 

©uotf)  fjr,  "  STfjts  mai'li  inoulti  make  tfjc  rasfj  attempt 
JTo  oust  mn  furistiictfon  !    Banfe  contempt !  " 
9ntJ  facile  sf)e  trrmblins  triEb  f)fr  pIcatiiRtj  art, 
5rf)e  arcf)=roguc  clappcti  in  nistotia  tcr  ^eart; 
Qnti  so  tof;iIc  licftlg  tocabing  Iccjal  snares. 
In  Cupftj's  toils,  lo !  JHars  falls  uninarcs. 

a  rannn  Scot,  as  full  of  man's  licceit 
93  c&cr  ufin^aiti  egg  ioas  fu'.I  of  meat, 
iCSaas  nameti  as  fiailiff,  on  ^is  firm  assurance 
?lle*ti  ftcep  tfje  recreant  for  age  in  hurancc; 
33ut  infjB  inastc  tropes  in  plaining  our  mishap? 
©ur  JJlarn's  gone  off  toit^  an  artist  cfjap ! 
STfje  crafts  man  of  lanttscapcs,  tuips,  anli  Iirus^es 
Cepit  our  iHarg,  spite  lirmuvring  hlusi^rs; 
9nti  feiitf)  a  cool  Uefianrc  fl.:ng  in  curiam, 
(Comes  t)0  tilg  anti  Ucfentis  vim  et  injuriam, 

iHarg,  gool3=t)ae,  iuc  must  forgfbe  tf)e  <or<; 

9t  least,  sou'&e  faon  gour  case  in  Cuptli's  (Court; 

J}our  .'^afus  f;enrefartf),  —  mag 't  probe  no  sei-vitium, 

Snb  no  beginning,  tut  a  finis  litium; 

Sntr  mag  gou  ne'er  encounter  tf)at  fell  iuoe 

Cf  fcooman's  life, — Iiiboree  a  vinculo; 

©r  finlt,  in  time,  a  trusting  iuifc's  delicice 

Cuming,  mibst  marrirU  storms,  to  sour  sceviticB; 

Slnti  ic  lf)c  latest  iHem.  rpon  gour  iJodtet, 

"SI  iafig's  cratile,  —  Ijoiu  to  stock  anti  rock  it" 


52  Pi'of  ess  tonal  Jjove  Song. 


PROFESSIONAL  LOVE   SONG. 

Spinster  of  the  Saxon  beauty, 

At  the  Grainthrope  Manor  mill, 
Of  this  heart  you've  had  i^ossessioii 

Smce  I  made  my  uncle's  will: 
Yours  the  image  all-engrossing, 

When  I  try  to  read  Reports, 
You,  my  Amy,  am  I  drawing. 

Even  in  the  Chancery  Courts. 

Ah !  that  brow  as  smooth  as — vellum — 

Ah !  those  lips  vermilion  red — 
Kisses  wherewith  I  have  sealed  them 

No  one  ever  witnessed  : 
I  would  sue  the  man  who  ventured 

To  deny  you  dressed  with  taste, 
I  would  tax  his  costs  who  hinted 

An  "  impeachment "  of  your  waist. 

Soon  the  long  vacation's  coming. 
Soon  the  weary  term  will  end ; 

No  more  writs  and  affidavits, 
No  more  actions  to  defend : 

I  shall  take  the  first  conveyance — 
Train  at  5  p.  m.— express — 


Professional  Love  Sooig.  53 

I  shall  count  the  sluggish  moments^ — 
Forty  minutes,  more  or  less." 

Meet  me,  cousin,  at  the  station 

With  the  trap  that's  duty  free, 
It  can  take  my  rods  and  gun-case, 

We  will  walk,  prochein^  Amy, 
Past  the  glebe  and  old  inclosure. 

Past  the  deeply  mortgaged  inn, 
On  to  where  the  freeholds  finish 

And  the  copyholds  begin. 

There  I'll  make  my  declaration. 

There  I'll  pause  and  jDlead  my  suit ; 
Do  not  let  it  be  "  in  error," 

Do  not  be  of  malice  mute ; 
But  "  surrender  "  to  your  cousin 

In  the  customary  way, 
And  become  the  donee,  dearest, 

Of  an  opal  negligee, 

I've  a  messuage — recent  purchase — 
Sixty-eight  in  Mortmayne  Row, 

Title  good,  and  unencumbered. 
Gas  and  water  laid  below ; 

Come  and  share  it,  undisputed 
Owner  of  this  heart,  in  fee, 


54  Professional  Love  Song. 

Conic  and  be  my  junior  partner, 
And  my  better  moiety : 

J.  P.  Wilde  sliall  never  part  us, 
And  in  time  we  both  may  see 

Girls,  fair  copies  of  their  mother ; 
Boys,  the  counterpart  of  me. 


The  Lawyer^s  Stratagem,  55 


THE  LAWYER'S  STRATAGEM. 

A  GAY  yoiiug  spark,  who  long  had  sighed 

To  take  an  heiress  for  his  bride, 

Though  not  in  vain  he  had  essayed 

To  win  tlie  favor  of  the  maid, 

Yet  fearing,  from  his  humble  station, 

To  meet  her  father's  cold  negation, 

Made  up  his  mind,  without  delay. 

To  take  the  girl  and  run  away ! 

A  pretty  plan — what  could  be  finer  ? — 

But  as  the  maid  was  vet  a  minor. 

There  still  remained  this  sliGrht  obstruction: 

He  might  be  punished  for  ''  abduction !  " 

Accordingly,  he  thought  it  wise 

To  see  the  squire  and  take  advice — 

A  cunninsf  knave  who  loved  a  trick 

As  well  as  fees,  and  skilled  to  pick, 

As  lawyers  can,  some  latent  flaw 

To  help  a  client  cheat  the  law. 

Before  liim  straight  the  case  was  laid, 

Who,  when  the  proper  fee  was  paid, 

Conceived  at  once  a  happy  plan, 

And  thus  the  counsellorbegan  : 

"Young  man,  no  doubt  your  wisest  course 

Is  this :  to-night,  you  get  a  horse, 


56  The  Lawyer'' 8  Stratagem. 

And  let  your  lady-love  get  on; 
As  soon  as  ever  that  is  done, 

You  get  on  too — but,  hark  ye  !  mind 
She  rides  before ;  you  ride  hehmd ; 
And  thus,  you  see,  you  make  it  true, 

The  lady  3'iins  away  with  you  !  " 

That  very  night  he  got  the  horse, 

And  put  the  lawyer's  plan  in  force ; 

Who  found  next  day — no  laughing  matter- 

The  truant  lady  was  his  daughter. 

MORAL. 

When  lawyers  counsel  craft  and  guile, 
It  may,  sometimes,  be  worth  the  while, 
If  they'd  avoid  the  deepest  shames, 
To  ascertain  the  parties*  names. 


I 


Love  and  Law.  57 


LOYE  AND    LAW. 

A   LEGEND    OF    BOSTOJS. 

Jack  Newmaist  was  in  love ;  a  common  case 
With  boys  just  verging  upon  manhood's  prime, 

When  every  damsel  with  a  pretty  face 

Seems  some  bright  creature  from  a  purer  clime, 

Sent  by  the  gods  to  bless  a  country  town — 

A  pink-cheeked  angel  in  a  muslin  gO¥/n. 

Jack  was  in  love ;  and  also  much  in  doubt 
(As  thoughtful  lovers  oft  have  been  before) 

If  it  were  better  to  be  in  or  out. 

Such  pain  alloyed  his  bliss.     On  reason's  score, 

Perhaps  'tis  equally  a  sin  to  get 

Too  deep  in  love,  in  liquor,  or  in  debt. 

The  lady  of  his  love,  Miss  Mary  Blank 
(I  call  her  so  to  hide  her  real  name), 

Was  fair  and  twenty,  and  in  social  rank — 
That  is,  in  riches — much  above  her  flame ; 

The  daughter  of  a  person  who  had  tin 

Alrea^'y  won;  while  Jack  had  his  to  win. 

Her  father  was  a  lawyer;  rather  rusty 

In  legal  lore,  but  one  wdio  well  had  striven 


58  Love  and  Law. 

In  former  days  to  swell  liia  ^^res  augxistce'''' 

To  broad  possessions  j  and, in  short,  had  thriven 
Bravely  in  his  vocation ;  though,  the  fact  is, 
More  by  his  "practices"  ('twas  said)  than  in*acti(  < ! 

A  famous  name  was  Blank  for  sound  advice 
In  doubtful  cases ;  for  example,  where 

The  point  in  question  is  extremely  nice, 
And  turns  upon  the  section  of  a  hair ; 

Or  Avhere — which  seems  a  very  common  pother — 

Justice  looks  one  way,  and  the  Law  another. 

Great  was  his  skill  to  make  or  mar  a  plot ; 

To  prop,  at  need,  a  rotten  reputation, 
Or  undermine  a  good  one;  he  liad  got 

Bv  heart  the  subtle  science  of  evasion, 
And  knew  the  useful  art  to  pick  a  flaw 
Through  which  a  rascal  might  escape  the  law. 

Jack  was  his  pupil ;  and  'tis  rather  queer 
So  shrewd  a  counsellordid  not  discover, 

"With  all  his  cunning  both  of  eye  and  ear, 

That  this  same  pupil  was  his  daughter's  lover ; 

And,  what  would  much  have  shocked  his  legal  tutor. 

Was  even  now  the  girl's  accepted  suitor ! 

Fearing  a  non-suit.,  if  the  lawyer  knew 

The  case  too  soon,  Jack  kept  it  to  Iiiiiiself ; 


Love  and  Law.  59 

And,  stranger  still,  the  lady  kept  it  too  ; 

For  well  he  knew  the  father's  pride  of  pelf. 
Should  e'en  a  bare  suspicion  cross  his  mind, 
Would  soon  abate  the  action  they  designed. 

For  Jack  was  impecunious;  and  Blank 

Had  small  regard  for  people  who  were  poor; 

Riches  to  him  were  beauty,  grace,  and  rank : 
In  short,  the  man  was  one  of  many  more 

Who  worship  money-bags  and  those  who  own  'em, 

And  think  a  handsome  sum  the  summum  honum. 

I'm  fond  of  civil  words,  and  do  not  wish 

To  be  satirical ;  but  none  despise 
The  poor  so  truly  as  the  nouveaux  ricJie  ; 

And  here,  no  doubt,  the  real  reason  lies, 
That  being  over-2)roud  of  what  they  are, 
They're  naturally  ashamed  of  what  they  were. 


Certain  to  meet  the  father's  cold  negation. 

Jack  dare  not  ask  him  for  his  dauQ:hter's  hand. 

"Wiiat  should  he  do  ?     'Twas  surely  an  occasion 
For  all  the  wit  a  lover  might  command ; 

At  last  he  chose  (it  seemed  his  only  hope) 

That  final  card  of  Cupid — to  elope ! 

A  pretty  plan  to  please  a  j^enny-a-liner ; 
But  far  less  pleasant  for  the  leading  factor. 


60  Love  and  Law. 

Should  the  fair  maiden  chance  to  be  a  minor 

(Whom  the  law  reckons  an  unwilling  actor)  ; 
And  here  Jack  found  a  rather  sad  obstruction — 
He  might  be  caught  and  punished  for  abduction. 

What  could  he  do?     Well — here  is  what  he  did: 
As  a  "moot-case"  to  Lawyer  Blank  he  told 

The  whole  affair,  save  that  the  names  were  hid. 
I  can't  help  thinking  it  was  rather  bold, 

But  Love  is  partial  to  heroic  schemes, 

And  often  proves  much  wiser  than  he  seems. 

"  The  thing  is  safe  enough,  with  proper  care," 
Observed    the   lawyer,   smiling.     "Here's    yoar 
course : 

Just  let  the  lady  manage  the  affair 

Throughout ;    Videlicet^  she  gets  the  horse, 

And  mounts  him,  unassisted, ^rs^/  but  mind. 

The  woman  sits  before,  and  you,  behind  ) 

"Then  who  is  the  abductor? — Just  suppose 
A  court  and  jury  looking  at  the  case ; 

What  ground  of  action  do  the  facts  disclose  ? 
They  find  a  horse — two  riders — and  a  race — 

And  you  '  Not  guilty ' ;  for  'tis  clearly  true 

The  dashing  damsel  ran  away  with  you !  " 

^  H^  7^  ^  ^  « 


Love  and  Law.  61 

These  social  sins  are  often  rather  grave ; 

I  give  such  deeds  no  countenance  of  mine. 
Nor  can  I  say  the  father  e'er  forgave  ; 

But  that  was  surely  a  propitious  "  sign," 
On  which  (in  after  years)  the  words  I  saw 
Were,   "Blaxk  and  Newman,  Counselloks  at 
Law  ! " 

6 


62  In  Womai^ii  Praise. 


IN"   WOMAN'S   PRAISE. 

Strike,  O  Legal  Muse,  tliy  lyre, 
In  lovely  woman's  praise, 

Wlio  sheds  a  lustre  'round  our  lives 
And  brightens  all  our  days ! 

She's  been  the  glory  of  the  world. 
E'er  since  said  world  began ; 

And  to  the  contrary  runneth  not 
The  memory  of  man. 

"Whereas,  her  face  is  beautiful 
(To  wit :  her  eyes  of  light, 

And  divers  rosy,  pouting  lips, 
And  sundry  cheeks  so  bright ; 

Likewise  her  fair  and  noble  brow. 
Her  lovely  smile  and  dimple) — 

She  holds  possession  of  our  souls 
In  absolute  fee-simple. 

Her  title  to  our  hearts  was  fixed, 
By  Heaven's  adjudication, 

And  never  can  our  love  for  her 
Expire  by  limitation. 


In  Woman^s  Praise  G2 

In  all  the  clivers  walks  of  life 

She  sways  a  queenly  sceptre  : 
There  is  no  one  upon  the  earth 

"Who  rules  the  heart,  except  her. 

Under  full  age,  as  sweetheart  dear 

(Such  is  our  finn  conviction), 
She  rules  all  those  who  come  to  court 

Within  her  jurisdiction. 

SiiC  sits  as  Judge  in  Love's  Moot  Court, 

To  hear  jjleas  of  the  soul, 
And  issue  warrants  of  distress, 

Tho'  always  by  parol. 

But  when,  at  last,  the  lucky  one. 

His  declaration  files, 
A  fond  Attachment  is  confessed 

With  many  blushing  smiles; 

And  then  with  valid  notice  given, 

The  ecclesiastics  come, 
And  join  in  Sj^ecial  Partnership 

"  Two  hearts  that  beat  as  one." 

And  all  through  life,  as  mother,  wife 

(The  world  will  indorse  these  sentiments). 


G4  In  Woman'' s  Praise. 

Our  messuages  she  fills  witli  joy, 
And  gladdens  all  our  tenements. 

She  is  an  angel  on  the  earth, 

A  goddess,  warm  and  true  ; 
Such  was  she  thought  at  Common  Law, 

And  in  America  too. 

And  now  we've  tried,  as  herein  shown, 

Her  glories  to  reveal ; 
And  this  we  are  ready  to  verify : 

Witness  our  hand  and  seal. 

JouN  Doe.     [seal."^ 


Gj  An   Old  Saw.  65 


AN   OLD   SAW. 

An  upper  mill  and  lower  mill 

Fell  out  about  their  water; 
To  war  they  went — that  is,  to  law — 

Resolved  to  give  no  quarter. 

A  lawyer  was  by  each  engaged, 

And  hotly  they  contended; 
When  fees  grew  scant,  the  war  they  waged 

They  judged  were  better  ended. 

The  heavy  costs  remaining  still 

Were  settled  without  joother : 
One  lawyer  took  the  upper  mill. 

The  lower  mill  the  other. 


66  Law^   a   Comic  Song. 


LAW,  A   COMIC   SOXG. 

Air.— "Malbrook." 

Come  list  to  me  a  rainuto, 
A  song  I'm  going  to  begin  it, 
There's  something  serious  in  it. 

So  pray  attention  draw, 

'Tis  all  about  the  Law, 

So  pray  attention  draw. 
Exj^erience  I  have  bought  it, 
And  now  to  you  I've  brought  it 
Will  you  or  not  be  taught  it? 

I  sing  the  charms  of  Law. 

L-A-W— law, 

Which  has  met  with  a  deuce  of  eclat. 
If  you're  fond  of  pure  vexation, 
And  long  procrastination, 
You're  just  in  a  situation 

To  enjoy  a  suit  at  law. 

When  your  cause  is  first  beccinninir. 

You  only  think  of  winning, 

Attorneys  slyly  grinning, 

The  while  the  cash  they  draw ; 
Your  cause  goes  on  see-saw, 
As  long  as  your  cash  they  draw ; 


Law^  a   Comic  Song.  67 

With  brief  aud  consultation, 
Bill  and  rej^lication, 
Latin  and — ^botheration, 

While  the  counsel  loudly  jaw; 

J-A-AY — jaw, 

Is  a  very  great  thing  in  law. 
If  you're  fond,  etc. 

Snail-like  your  cause  is  creeping. 
It  hinders  you  from  sleeping. 
Attorneys  only  reaping, 

For  still  your  cash  they  draw ; 

D-R-A-W— draw, 

Is  the  mainspring  of  the  law, 
Misery,  toil,  and  trouble. 
Make  uj)  the  bubble,  bubble, 
Leave  you  nothing  but  stubble, 

And  make  you  a  man  of  straw. 

L-A-W— law, 

Divides  the  wheat  from  the  straw. 
If  you're  fond,  etc. 

And  when  your  cause  is  ending. 
Your  case  is  no  way  mending, 
Expense  each  step  attending. 

And  then  they  find  a  flaw. 

Then  the  judge,  like  any  jack-daw. 

Will  lay  down  what  is  Law. 


68  Law^  a   Comic  Song. 

In  a  rotten  stick  your  trust  is, 
You  find  tlie  bubble  burst  is, 
And  though  you  don't  get  justice, 
You're  sure  to  get  j^lenty  of  LaAV. 
And  L-A-W — law, 
Leaves  you  not  worth  a  straw. 
If  you're  fond,  etc. 

So  if  life  is  all  sugar  and  honey. 
And  fortune  has  always  been  sunny, 
And  you  want  to  get  rid  of  your  money, 

I'd  advise  you  to  go  to  law. 

Like  ice  in  a  ra23id  thaw, 

Your  cash  will  melt  awa'; 
Comfort  'tis  folly  to  care  for. 
Life's  a  lottery — therefore 
"Without  a  why  or  a  wherefore, 

I'd  advise  you  to  go  to  law, 

And  L-A-W— law. 

Does  like  a  blister  draw. 
If  you're  fond,  etc. 


The  Annuity.  69 


THE   ANNUITY. 

Air — "Duncan  Davidson." 

I  GAED  to  spend  a  week  in  Fife — 
An  unco  week  it  proved  to  be — 

For  there  I  met  a  waesome  wife 
Lamentin'  her  viduity. 

Her  grief  brak  out  sae  fierce  and  fell, 

I  thought  her  heart  wad  burst  the  shell ; 

And — I  was  sae  left  to  mysel' — 
I  sell't  her  an  annuity. 

The  bargain  lookit  fair  eneugh — 

She  just  was  turned  o'  saxty-three; 
I  couldna  guessed  she'd  prove  sae  teugh, 

By  human  ingenuity. 
But  years  have  come  and  years  have  gane, 
And  there  she's  yet  as  stieve's  a  stane — 
The  limmer's  growin'  young  again, 
Since  she  got  her  annuity. 

She's  crined  awa'  to  bane  an'  skin, 
But  that  it  seems  is  naught  to  me  ; 

She's  like  to  live — although  she's  in 
The  last  stage  o'  tenuity. 


70  The  AmiMity. 

She  munches  wi'  her  wizened  gums, 
An'  stumps  about  on  legs  o'  thrums, 
But  comes — as  sure  as  Christmas  comes- 
To  ca'  for  her  annuity. 

She  jokes  her  joke  an'  cracks  her  crack, 

As  spunkie  as  a  growin'  flea — 
An'  there  she  sits  upon  my  back, 

A  livin'  perpetuity. 
She  hurkles  by  her  ingle  side. 
An'  toasts  an'  tans  her  wrunkled  hide — 
Lord  kens  how  lang  she  yet  may  bide 
To  ca'  for  her  annuity ! 

I  read  the  tables  drawn  wi'  care 

For  an  insurance  company; 
Her  chance  o'  life  was  stated  there, 

Wi'  j^erfect  j^erspicuity. 
But  tables  here  or  tables  there, 
She's  lived  ten  years  beyond  her  share, 
An's  like  to  live  a  dizzen  mair. 
To  ca'  for  her  annuity. 

I  gat  the  loon  that  drew  the  deed — 
"We  spelled  it  o'er  right  carefully; — 

In  vain  he  yerked  his  souple  head, 
To  find  an  ambicfuitv : 

C7  V 


The  Annuity.  71 

It's  dated — teste'd— a'  complete — 
The  proper  stamp — nae  word  delete — 
And  diligence,  as  on  decreet, 
May  pass  for  her  annuity. 

Last  Yule  she  had  a  fearfu'  hoast — 
I  thought  a  kink  might  set  me  free ; 

I  led  her  out  'mang  snaw  and  frost, 
Wi'  constant  assiduity. 

But  Diel  ma'  care — the  blast  gaed  by, 

And  missed  the  auld  anatomy ; 

It  just  cost  me  a  tooth,  forbye 
Discharging  her  annuity. 

I  thought  that  grief  might  gar  her  quit — 

Her  only  son  was  lost  at  sea — 
But  a£f  her  wits  behuved  to  flit, 

An'  leave  her  in  fatuity ! 
She  threeps,  an'  threeps,  he's  livin'  yet, 
For  a'  the  tellin'  she  can  get ; 
But  catch  the  doited  runt  forget 

To  ca'  for  her  annuity. 

If  there's  a  sough  o'  cholera 

Or  typhus — wha  sae  gleg  as  she  ? 

She  buys  up  baths,  an'  drugs,  an'  a', 
In  siccan  superfluity ! 


72 


The  Annuity. 

She  doesna  need — she's  fever  proof — 
The  pest  gaed  o'er  her  very  roof ; 
She  tauld  me  sae — an'  then  her  loof 
Held  out  for  her  annuity. 

Ae  day  she  fell — her  arm  she  brak — 
A  compound  fracture  as  could  be  ; 

Nae  Leech  the  cure  wad  undertak, 
Whate'er  was  the  gratuity. 

It's  cured ! — She  handles't  like  a  flail — 

It  does  as  weel  in  bits  as  liale ; 

But  I'm  a  broken  man  mysel', 
Wi'  her  and  her  annuity. 

Iler  broozled  flesh  and  broken  banes 
Are  weel  as  flesh  an'  banes  can  be. 

She  beats  the  taeds  that  live  in  stanes, 
An'  fatten  in  vacuity ! 

They  die  w^hen  they're  exposed  to  air — 

They  canna  thole  the  atmosphere ; 

But  her ! — expose  her  onywhere — 
She  lives  for  her  annuity. 

If  mortal  means  could  nick  her  thread, 
Sma'  crime  it  wad  appear  to  me  ; 

Ca't  murder,  or  ca't  homicide, 
I'd  justify't — an'  do  it  tae. 


The  Annuity.  73 

But  how  to  fell  a  withered  wife 
That's  carved  out  o'  the  tree  o'  life — 
The  timmer  liiumer  daurs  the  knife 
To  settle  her  annuity. 

I'd  try  a  shot :  but  whar's  the  mark? — 
Her  vital  parts  are  hid  frae  me ; 

Her  backbane  wanders  through  her  sark 
In  an  unkenn'd  corkscrewity. 

She's  palsified — an'  shakes  her  head 

Sae  fast  about,  ye  scarce  can  see't ; 

It's  i^ast  the  jDOwer  o'  steel  or  lead 
To  settle  her  annuity. 

She  might  be  drowned — but  go  she'll  not 

Within  a  mile  o'  loch  or  sea; 
Or  hanged — if  cord  could  grij)  a  throat 

0'  siccan  exiguity. 
It's  fitter  far  to  hang  the  rope — 
It  draws  out  like  a  telescoj)e ; 
'Twad  tak  a  dreadfu'  length  o'  drop 

To  settle  her  annuity. 

Will  puzion  do't  ? — It  has  been  tried ; 

But,  be't  in  hash  or  fricassee, 
That's  just  the  dish  she  can't  abide, 
r.    Whatever  kind  o'  gout  it  hae. 


74  The  Annuity. 

It's  needless  to  assail  her  doubts — 
She  gangs  by  instinct,  like  the  brutes ; 
An'  only  eats  an'  drinks  what  suits 
Hersel'  an'  her  annuity. 

The  Bible  says  the  age  o'  man 

Threescore  an'  ten  perchance  may  be ; 
She's  ninety-four ; — let  them  wha  can 

Explain  the  incongruity. 
She  should  hae  lived  afore  the  flood — 
She's  come  o'  jDatriarchal  blood — 
She's  some  auld  f)agan,  mummified, 
Alive  for  her  annuity. 

She's  been  embalmed  inside  and  out— 
She's  sauted  to  the  last  degree — 

There's  pickle  in  her  very  snout 
Sae  caper-like  an'  cruety; 

Lot's  wife  was  fresh  compared  to  her ; 

They've  kyanized  the  useless  knir — 

She  canna  decompose — nae  mair 
Than  her  accurs'd  annuity. 

The  water-drap  wears  out  the  rock, 
As  this  eternal  jaud  wears  me; 

I  could  withstand  the  single  shock, 
But  no  the  continuity. 


The  Annuity.  70 

It's  pay  me  here  an'  pay  me  there — 
An'  pay  me,  pay  me,  evermair ; 
I'll  gang  elemented  wi'  despair— 
I'm  charged  for  her  annuity ! 


'^  The  Aomuitcmt'' s  Aiiswer. 


THE  AN^NUITANT'S  ANSWER. 

My  certy !  but  it  sets  him  weel 

Sae  vile  a  tale  to  tell  o'  me ; 
I  never  could  suspect  the  cliiel 

O'  sic  clisingenuity. 
I'll  no  be  ninety-four  for  lang, 
My  health  is  far  frae  being  Strang, 
And  he'll  mak'  profit,  richt  or  wrang, 
Ye'll  see,  by  this  annuity. 

My  friends,  ye  weel  can  understand 

This  world  is  fu'  o'  roguery; 
And  ane  meets  folk  on  ilka  hand 
To  rug  and  rive  and  pu'  at  ye. 
I  tliought  that  this  same  man  o'  law 
Wad  save  my  siller  frae  them  a', 
And  sae  I  gave  the  whilliewha 
Tlie  note  for  the  annuity. 

Ho  says  the  bargain  lookit  fair, 

And  sae  to  him,  I'm  sure  'twad  be ; 

I  got  my  hundred  pounds  a  year, 
An'  he  could  well  allow  it,  tae. 


The  Annuitant's  Aiiswer.  77 

An'  does  he  think — the  deevil's  limb — 
Although  I  lookit  aiild  and  grim, 
I  was  to  die  to  pleasure  him, 
And  squash  my  braw  annuity. 

The  year  had  scarcely  turned  its  back 

When  he  was  irking  to  be  free — 
A  fule  the  thing  to  un  Jertak', 

And  then  sae  suue  to  rue  it  ye. 
I've  never  been  at  peace  sin'  syne — 
Nae  wonder  that  sae  sair  I  coyne — 
It's  jist  through  terror  that  I  tyne 
My  life  for  my  annuity. 

He's  twice  had  pushion  in  my  kail, 
And  sax  times  in  my  cup  o'  tea ; 

I  could  unfauld  a  shockino;  tale 
O'  something  in  a  cruet,  tae. 

His  arms  he  ance  flang  round  my  neck — 

I  thought  it  was  to  show  respeck ; 

He  only  meant  to  gie  a  check, 
Not  for,  but  to,  the  annuity. 

Said  ance  to  me  an  honest  man, 
*•  Try  an  insurance  company  ; 

Ye'U  find  it  an  effective  plan 
Protection  to  secure  to  vou. 


'8  The  Annuitants  Answer. 

Ten  pounds  a  year ! — ye  weel  can  spare't ! 
Be  that  Avi'  Peter  Frazer  wared  ; 
His  office  syne  will  be  a  guard 
For  you  and  your  annuity." 

I  gacd  at  once  an'  spak'  to  Pate 

O'  a  five  hundred  jDolicy, 
And  '•  Faith  !  "  says  he,  "  ye  are  nae  blate; 

I  maist  could  clamahewit  ye, 
Wi'  that  chiel's  finders  at  the  knife, 
What  chance  hae  ye  o'  length  o'  life? 
Sae  to  the  door,  ye  silly  wife, 

Wi'  you  and  your  annuity." 

The  procurator  fiscaPs  now 

The  only  friend  that  I  can  see ; 
And  it's  snia'  thing  that  he  can  do 

To  end  this  sair  ankslii^vity. 
But  honest  Maurice  has  agreed 
That  if  the  villain  does  the  deed, 
He'll  swing  at  Libberton  Wyndhead 
For  me  and  my  annuity. 


A  Fragment,  79 


A  FRAGMENT. 

If  ye've  been  up  ayont  Dundee, 
Ye  maun  hae  heard  about  the  plea 
That's  raised  by  Sandy  Grant's  trustee 

For  the  mill  that  belang'd  to  Sandy. 
For  Sandy  lent  the  man  his  mill, 
An'  the  mill  that  was  lent  was  Sandy's  mill, 
An'  the  man  got  the  len'  o'  Sandy's  mill. 

An'  the  mill  it  belang'd  to  Sandy. 

A'  sense  o'  sin  an'  shame  is  gone, 
They're  claiming  noo  a  lien  on 

The  mill  that  belang'd  to  Sandy. 
But  Sandy  lent  the  man  his  mill. 
An'  the  mill  that  was  lent  was  Sandy's  mill, 
An'  the  man  got  the  len'  o'  Sandy's  mill, 

An'  the  mill  it  belang'd  to  Sandy. 


80  Minimum  de  Malls, 


MINIMUM  DE  MALIS. 

Calenus  owed  a  single  pound,  which  yet 

With  all  my  dunning  I  could  never  get. 

Tired  of  fair  words,  whose  falsehood  I  foresaw, 

I  hied  to  Aulus,  learned  in  the  law. 

He  heard  my  story,  bade  me  "  Never  fear, 

There  was  no  doubt — no  case  could  be  more  clear 

He'd  do  the  needful  in  the  proper  place, 

And  give  his  best  attention  to  the  case." 

And  this  he  may  have  done,  for  it  appears 
To  have  been  liis  business  for  the  last  ten  years; 
Though  on  his  pains  ten  times  ten  pounds  bestowed 
Have  not  acquired  that  one  Calenus  owed. 

Now,  fearful  lest  this  unproductive  strife 
Consume  at  once  my  fortune  and  my  life, 
I  take  the  only  course  I  can  pursue, 
And  shun  my  debtor  and  my  lawyer  too. 
I've  no  more  hope  from  promises  or  laws. 
And  heartily  renounce  both  debt  and  cause; 
But  if  witli  either  roj^ue  I've  more  to  do, 
I'll  surely  choose  my  debtor  of  the  two ; 
For  though  I  credit  not  the  lies  he  tells. 
At  least  he  gives  me  what  the  other  sells. 


Lay  of  Gascoigne  Justice.  81 


LAY   OF  GASCOIGXE  JUSTICE. 

CnAinSTTED   BY  CoOKE  AND  COKE,  SERGEANTS,    AND 

Plowden,  Appeentice,  in  the  Hall  of  Ser- 
geants' Inn,  a.  D.  15 — . 

King  Henry  the  Fourth 

Was  a  monarch  of  worth  ; 
But  the  eldest  son  of  his  loins 

Was  a  profligate  lad, 

Who  kept  company  bad — 
Jack  Falstaff,  Peto,  and  Poins. 

And  while  the  good  king 

Caused  felons  to  swing, 
And  guarded  each  alley  and  by-way, 

The  prince,  his  son, 

Considered  it  fun 
To  rob  in  his  governor's  highway. 

And  while  Henry  the  Great, 

For  the  good  of  the  State, 
Was  depriving  himself  of  his  sleep, 

His  son  and  fat  Jack 

Were  guzzling  burnt  sack 
At  the  Boar's  Head  in  Eastcheap. 


82  Lay  of  Gascoigne  Justice. 

Where,  lo  and  behold, 

To  him  it  was  told. 
There's  a  carl  on  the  road  from  Dover, 

Whose  pockets  infold 

As  much  silver  and  gold 
As  would  blow  us  all  out  twice  over. 

Then  straightway  rose  the  noble  prince 

And  lustily  cried  he, 
Kow  who  will  stand  on  either  hand. 

And  take  this  purse  with  me. 

Then   up  rose  filching  Peto, 

Of  Newgate  blood  was  he, 
I  will  cry,  Stand,  on  thy  right  hand, 

And  take  the  i^urse  with  thee. 

And  up  rose  Poins,  the  footpad, 

Of  Tyburn  race  was  he, 
I  will  abide  by  thy  left  side. 

And  take  this  purse  with  thee. 
Then  straightway  forth  to  Shooter's  Hill 

Wended  the  dauntless  three. 

Soon  as  the  deed  of  dole  was  done. 
The  neighbors  shouted.  Fie  ! 


Lay  of  Gascoigne  Justice.  83 

And  straight  they  to  the  sheriff  run, 
And  raise  the  hue  and  cry. 

Catch  me  the  rogues,  the  sheriff  cried, 

They're  fruit  for  Tyburn  tree  ; 
Now  ride  and  run,  now  run  and  ride, 

For  arrant  knaves  they  be. 

ITeav'n  save  them,  quoth  Jack  Falstaff, 

And  send  them  safe  to  town ; 
For  such  a  valiant  deed  has  ne'er 

Been  done  by  lord  or  lown. 

Now  swiftlv  run  the  constables, 

With  oilskin  hats  and  capes; 
They  caught  the  prince — but  let  him  go 

With  many  bows  and  scrapes. 

He  tipped  them  each  a  noble ; 

Said  they,  'Tis  nobly  done, 
We're  sure  your  royal  highness  must 

Have  stopped  the  man  in  fun. 

They  next  caught  Poins,  the  footpad, 
Who  tipped  them  half  a  crown ; 

They  took  it — and  in  custody 
They  took  him  up  to  town. 


.S-t  I^oy  of  Gascoigne  Justice. 

That  very  day  a  learned  judge 

Was  seated  on  the  bench, 
Wlio  loved  a  bite,  and  loved  a  sup, 

And  hated  not  a  wench. 

Gascoigne,  Chief  Justice,  was  his  name, 

A  venerable  wight, 
Yclej^'d  from  wine  of  Gascony, 

In  which  he  took  delight. 

His  judgments  in  the  Year-books 
With  profit  you  may  read ; 

They're  shorter  than  his  beard — for  that 
Was  very  long  indeed. 

This  grave  and  learned  justice  was 

Presiding  at  the  Bailey, 
Then  called  the  New,  but  now  the  Old, 

And  growing  older  daily. 

When  Poins  he  spied — Ho,  ho !  he  cried, 

The  caitiff  hither  bring, 
We'll  have  a  quick  deliverance 

Betwixt  him  and  the  kin  2:. 


'O' 


And  sooth  he  said,  for  justice  sped 
In  those  days  at  a  rate, 


Lay  of  Gcucoigne  Justice.  85 

AVliich  now  'twere  vain  to  seek  to  gain 
In  matters  small  or  great. 

No  tribe  with  rusty,  camlet  gowns,  • 

And  shabby  horsehair  wigs, 
Harangued  the  upper  gallery 

In  favor  of  the  prigs. 

No  troops  of  venal  witnesses, 

Inured  to  perjury, 
Were  ever  brought  by  knaves  ivho  sought, 

To  prove  an  alibi. 
The  speedy  arm  of  Justice 

"Was  never  known  to  fail ; 
The  gaol  supplied  the  gallows, 

The  gallows  thinned  the  gaol. 
And  sundry  wise  precautions 

The  sacces  of  the  Law 
Discreetly  framed,  whereby  they  aimed 

To  keep  the  rogues  in  awe. 
For,  lest  some  sturdy  criminal 

False  witnesses  should  bring, 
His  witnesses  were  not  allowed 

To  swear  to  anvthinsj. 
And  lest  his  wily  advocate 
g     The  Court  should  overreach, 


86  Lay  of  Gascoigne  Justice. 

His  advocate  was  not  allowed 

The  privilege  of  speech. 
Yet,  such  was  the  humanity 

'And  wisdom  of  the  Law, 
That,  if  in  his  indictment  there 

Appeared  to  be  a  flaw, 
The  Court  assigned  him  counsellors 

To  argue  on  the  doubt, 
Provided  he  himself  \\^^  first 

Contrived  to  point  it  out. 
Yet  lest  their  mildness  should,  2:»erchance, 

Be  craftily  abused, 
To  show  him  the  indictment  they 

Most  sturdilv  refused. 

ftr 

But  still,  that  he  might  understand 

The  nature  of  the  charge, 
The  same  was  in  the  Latin  tonsjae 

Bead  out  to  him  at  large. 
'Twas  thus  the  law  kept  rogues  at  awe, 

Gave  honest  men  protection, 
And  justly  famed,  by  all  was  named, 

"  Of  loisdom  the  perfection^'' 

But  now  the  case  is  different 
The  rogues  are  getting  bold — 

It  was  not  so  some  time  ago, 
In  those  good  days  of  old. 


Te  Juvenile  Offender,  87 


YE  JUVENILE   OFFENDER. 

BY    A   PUZZLED    MAGISTRATE. 

Fortune,  impartial  to  each  dog, 
Gives  a  brief  clay  of  splendor; 

Like  favor  she  hath  not  denied 
The  juvenile  offender. 

Perchance  by  some  more  vulgar  name 
You've  known  this  new  j^retender, 

Ere  by  promotion  he  became 
A  juvenile  offender. 

In  face  and  figure  immature, 

Of  the  superior  gender, 
An  interesting  juvenile's 

Our  juvenile  offender. 

His  age  might  puzzle  you  and  me, 
For  though  he's  small  and  slender, 

He's  always  mighty  wide  awake, 
Our  juvenile  offender. 

The  law  he  breaks  like  any  lad 
Who  no  account  need  render  ; 


88  Te  Juvenile   Offender. 

II is  sins  arc  adult,  thougli  he  is 
A  juvenile  offender. 

Tlie  wise  men  of  the  land  confer, 
Advice  they  ask  and  tender. 

They  cry,  IIow  shall  we  punish  him, 
Our  juvenile  offender? 

By  fine  ?     lie  is  a  juvenile, 
And.  not  a  money-spender. 

Imprisonment  ?     It  might  offend 
Our  juvenile  offender. 

The  birch  ?     'Tis  clearly  not  the  thinix 
For  one  so  young  and  tender  ; 

It  might  degrade,  or  even  pain. 
Our  juvenile  offender. 

While  these  wise  men  confabulate, 
Reflection  doth  ensjender 

The  thouGfht,  How  fine  a  thini]:  to  be 
A  juvenile  offender ! 


On  th3  L:iw  of  ILirrlajs.  8) 


ON  THE   LAW  OF    MARRIAGE. 

TnOUGHTS    AT    SEA. 

O  Marriage — tell  me  if  you  truly  are 

A  deity,  as  poets  represent  ye ! 
Or  are  you,  as  the  Institutes  declare, 

Nothing  but  a  consensus  de  presentif 
No  matter  ! — I  espoused  a  maid  of  twenty, 
By  promise  and  a  process  suhsequente. 

AYe  married  without  contract ;  but  our  rights 
Were  all  defined  w^itliin  tlie  year  and  day. 

A  youngster  came  one  o'  the  cold  spring  nights — 
I  hardly  had  expected  him  till  May. 

My  wife  did  well — in  fact,  as  well  as  could  be ; 

The  baby  squeaked,  and  all  was  as  it  should  be. 

The  darling's  eyes  were  dark  and  deeply  set; 

Mv  wife's  and  mine  were  lio;ht  and  round  and  full : 
His  hair  was  thick  and  coarse,  and  black  as  jet. 

While  ours  was  thin  and  fair,  and  soft  as  wool; 
I  knew  'twas  vain  to  play  the  rude  remonstrant, 
For  pater  est  quern  nuptice  demonstrmit. 


90  On  the  Law  of  Marriage. 

The  am'rous  youth  may  fervidly  maintain 
That  marriage  is  a  cure  for  every  trouble ; 

Tlie  feudalist  may  learnedly  explain 

When  its  avail  is  single  and  when  double : 

Its  sole  avail  to  me,  I  grieve  to  say  it, 

Was  debt — without  the  wherewithal  to  pay  it. 

And  debt  brings  duns.     My  dun  was  of  a  sort 
That  never  can  desist  from  persecution. 

He  brought  my  case  before  the  Sheriff  Court — 
My  debt,  they  told  him,  needed  constitution. 

'Twas  false !     He  knew — I  knew  it  to  my  curse — 

It  had  the  constitution  of  a  horse. 

But  the  decree  went  out,  and  I  went  in — 
And  in  the  jail  lived  ynore  dehitorum  ; 

Yet  though  I  lost  my  flesh,  I  saved  my  skin 
By  suing  for  a  cessio  honorum, 

I  got  out,  naked  as  an  imfurred  rabbit. 

The  Lords  disj^ensed,  they  told  me,  with  the  habit. 

I  w^nt  to  seek  my  wife,  but  she  had  fled, 
And  had  not  left  a  single  paraphernal ; 

But  matrimonial  law  upon  my  head 
Seemed  destined  still  to  pour  its  curse  eternal. 

I  had  indeed  obtained  a  separation 

From  bed  and  board — no  prospect  but  starvation  ! 


On  the.  Law  of  3Iarriage.  91 

But  bed  and  board  are  thinsjs  worth  strivino:  for. 
So  I  bethought  me  of  the  j^ea  and  thimble  j 

But  people  had  grown  wiser  than  of  yore, 
And  all  in  vain  I  plied  my  fingers  nimble. 

I  then  attempted  vicious  intromission, 

And  was  immediately  conveyed  to  prison. 

And  here  again  I  lay  upon  my  oars; 

A  hermit  keeps  his  cell — my  cell  kept  me. 
No  letters  came  to  me  of  oj^en  doors ; 

Criminal  letters,  though,  came  postage  free. 
The  air  I  breathed  just  added  to  my  cares, 
Reminding  me  of  coming  Justice  Ayres. 

And  come  they  did  !     And  therefore  am  I  now 
Upon  thy  wave,  old  ocean,  Sydney  bound  ! 

And  here  the  i^artner  of  my  youthful  vow 
Among  the  fourteen-yearers  have  I  found ; 

Here  are  we  (though  not  just  as  when  we  courted) 

Again  united  and  again  transported. 


92  The  Tourist's  Matrimonial  Guide. 


THE     TOUPtlST'S    MATEIMONIAL    GUIDE 
THROUGH    SCOTLAND. 

Ye  tourists,  who  Scotland  would  enter, 

The  summer  or  autumn  to  pass, 
I'll  tell  you  how  far  you  may  venture 
To  flirt  with  your  lad  or  your  lass ; 
How  close  you  may  come  upon  marriage, 

Still  keeping  the  Avind  of  the  law, 
And  not  by  some  foolish  miscarriage 
Get  woo'd  and  married  an'  a'. 
Woo'd  and  married  an'  a' ; 

Married  and  woo'd  an'  a' ; 
And  not  by  some  foolish  miscarriage 
Get  woo'd  and  married  an'  a'. 

This  maxim  itself  might  content  ye — 

That  marriage  is  made  by  consent, 
Provided  it's  done  de  prcesenti, 

And  marriage  is  really  what's  meant. 
Suppose  that  young  Jocky  and  Jenny 

Say,  ''  We  two  are  husband  and  wife  " ; 
The  witnesses  needn't  be  many: 

They're  instantly  buckled  for  life. 


The  Tourist's  Matrimonial  Guide.  93 

"Woo'd  and  married  an'  a'; 


3 


Married  and  woo'd  an'  a'; 
It  isn't  with  us  a  hard  thing 

To  get  woo'd  and  married  an'  a'. 

SujDpose  the  man  only  has  spoken, 

The  woman  just  given  a  nod, 
They're  spliced  by  that  very  same  token, 

Till  one  of  them's  under  the  sod. 
Though  words  would  be  bolder  and  blunter, 

The  want  of  them  isn't  a  flaw ; 
For  nutu  signisqiie  loqimntur 
Is  good  consistorial  law. 

Woo'd  and  married  an'  a' ; 

Married  and  woo'd  an'  a'  j 
A  wink  is  as  good  as  a  word 

To  get  woo'd  and  married  an^  a'. 

If  people  are  drunk  or  delirious, 

The  marriage  of  course  would  be  bad; 
Or  if  they're  not  sober  and  serious. 

But  acting  a  play  or  charade. 
It's  bad  if  it's  only  a  cover 

For  cloaking  a  scandal  or  sin, 
And  talking  a  landlady  over, 

To  let  the  fulks  lodure  in  her  inn. 


94  The  Tourisfs  Matrimonial  Guide. 

Woo'd  and  married  au'  a' ; 

Married  and  woo'd  an'  a' ; 
It  isn't  the  mere  use  of  words 

Makes  you  woo'd  and  married  an'  a' 

You'd  better  keep  clear  of  love  letters, 

Or  write  them  with  caution  and  care ; 
For  faith,  they  may  fasten  your  fetters, 

If  wearing  a  conjugal  air. 
Unless  you're  a  knowing  old  stager, 

'Tis  here  you'll  most  likely  be  lost; 
As  a  certain  much-talked-about  major 
Had  very  near  found  to  his  cost. 
Woo'd  and  married  an'  a' ; 

Married  and  woo'd  an'  a' ; 
They  are  j^erilous  things,  pen  and  ink, 
To  get  woo'd  and  married  an'  a*. 

I  ought  now  to  tell  the  unwary 

That  into  the  noose  they'll  be  led. 
By  giving  a  promise  to  marry, 

And  acting  as  if  they  were  wed. 
But  if,  when  the  promise  you're  plighting, 

To  keep  it  you  think  you'd  be  loath. 
Just  see  that  it  isn't  in  writing, 

-And  then  it  must  come  to  your  oath. 


The  Tourisfs  Matrimonial  Guide.  95 

Woo'd  and  married  an'  a' ; 

Married  and  woo'd  an'  a' ; 
I've  shown  you  a  dodge  to  avoid 

Eeing  woo'd  and  married  an'  a' 

A  third  way  of  tying  the  tether, 

Which  sometimes  may  happen  to  suit, 
Is  living  a  good  while  together, 

And  getting  a  married  repute. 
But  vou,  who  are  here  as  a  strano:er. 

And  don't  mean  to  stay  with  us  long, 
Are  little  exposed  to  that  danger ; 
So  here  I  may  finish  my  song. 
Woo'd  and  married  an'  a' ; 

Married  and  woo'd  an'  a' ; 
You're  taught  now  to  seek  or  to  shun 
Being  woo'd  and  married  an'  a'. 


96  The  Purchasing  of  Land, 


THE  PURCHASING  OF    LAND. 

First,  see  the  land  which  thou  intend'st  to  buy, 

Within  the  Seller's  Title  clear  to  lie ; 

And  that  no  Woman  to  it  doth  lay  Claim 

By  Dowry,  Joynture,  or  some  other  Name 

That  may  it  cumber.     Know  if  bound  or  free 

The  Tenure  stand,  and  that  from  each  Feoffee 

It  be  releas'd.  That  th'  Seller  be  so  old. 

That  he  may  lawful  sell,  thou  lawful  hold; 

Have  special  care  that  it  not  Mortgag'd  be, 

Nor  be  intayled  on  Posterity. 

Then  if  it  stand  in  Statute,  bound  or  no, 

Be  well  advis'd  what  Quitrent  out  must  go, 

What  Custoni  service  hath  been  done  of  old. 

By  those  who  formerly  the  same  did  hold. 

And  if  a  wedded  Woman  put  to  Sale, 

Deal  not  with  her,  unless  she  bring  her  Male; 

For  she  doth  under  Covert-Baron  go. 

Although  sometimes  some  trafhque  so  (we  know). 

Thy  Bargain  being  made,  and  all  this  done. 

Have  special  care  to  make  thy  Charter  run 

To  thee,  thy  Heirs,  Executors,  Assigns, 

For  that  beyond  thy  Life,  securely  binds. 


The  Purchasing  of  Land.  07 

Those  things  foreknown,  and  done,  you  may  prevent 
Those  things  Rash  Buyers  many  times  repent. 
And  yet  when  you  have  done  all  that  you  can, 
If  you'll  be  sure,  deal  with  an  honest  Man. 
9 


98  The  Jolly   Testator. 


THE  JOLLY  TESTATOR  WHO   MAKES 
HIS   OWN   WILL. 

Air. — "Argyll  is  My  Name." 

Ye  lawyers  who  live  upon  litigants'  fees, 

And  who  need  a  good  many  to  live  at  your  ease, 

Grave  or  gay,  wise  or  wdtty,  whate'er  your  degree, 

Plain  stuff  or  Queen's  Counsel,  take  counsel  of  me. 

When  a  festive  occasion  your  sj^irit  unbends, 

You  should    never    forget    the    j^rofession's    best 

friends ; 
So  we'll  send  round  the  wine,  and  a  light  bumper 

fill 
To  the  jolly  testator  who  makes  his  own  will. 

He  premises  his  wish  and  his  j^urpose  to  save 

All  disputes  among  friends  when  he's  laid  in  his 

grave ; 
Then   he   straightway  proceeds  more   disputes   to 

create 
Than  a  long  summer's  day  would  give  time  to  relate. 
He  writes  and  erases,  he  blunders  and  blots, 
He  produces  such  puzzles  and  Gordian  knots, 
That  a  lawyer,  intending  to  frame  the  deed  ill^ 
Couldn't  match  the  testator  who  makes  his  own  will. 


The  Jolly  Testator.  99 

Testators  are  good ;  but  a  feeling  more  tender 
Sj^rings  up  when  I  think  of  the  feminine  gender. 
The  testatrix  for  me,  who,  like  Telemaque's  mothei, 
Unweaves  at  one  time  what  she  wove  at  another. 
She  bequeaths,  she  repeats,  she  recalls  a  donation, 
And  she  ends  by  revoking  her  own  revocation ; 
Still  scribbling  or  scratching  some  new  codicil ; 
O,  success  to  the  woman  who  makes  her  own  will ! 

'Tisn't  easy  to  say,  'mid  her  varying  vapors, 

That    scraps   should    be     deemed    "testamentary 

papers  " ; 
'Tisn't  easy  from  these  her  intention  to  find, 
When,  perhaps,  she  herself  never  knew  her  own 

mind. 
Every  step  that  we  take,  there  arises  fresh  trouble. 
Is  the  legacy  lapsed?  is  it  single,  or  double? 
No  customer  brinsjs  so  much  cjrist  to  the  mill 
As   the  wealthy  old  woman  who  makes  her  own 
.  will. 

The  law  decides  questions  of  tneum,  and  tuum, 
By  kindly  consenting  to  make  the  thing  suum. 
The  ^sopian  fable  instructively  tells 
What  becomes  of  the  oysters,  and  who  gets  the 
shells 


100  The  Jolly   Testator, 

The  legatees  starve,  but  the  lawyers  are  fed  ; 
The  seniors  have  riches,  the  juniors  have  bread  ; 
The  available  surplus,  of  course,  will  be  nil 
From  the  worthy  testators  wh j  make  their  own  will. 

You  had  better  pay  toll  when  you  take  to  the  road 
Than  attempt  by  a  by-way  to  reach  your  abode ; 
You  had  better  employ  a  conveyancer's  hand 
Than  encounter  the  risk  that  your  will  shouldn't 

stand. 
From  the  broad,  beaten  track  when   the   traveller 

strays, 
He  may  land  in  a  bog  or  be  lost  in  a  maze ; 
And  the  law,  when  defied,  will  avenge  itself  still 
On  the  man  and  the  woman  who  make  their  own 

will. 


3',    '       ' 


,        J  3  3,3,55  > 

■    3       3      ,       3         3-,        ,  , 

',3       '3       . 

TAe  TFi7^  o/  TF/^/ic/«z  FuiffcU,  Esq.       101 


J   5  ' 

3,3        3 

1     '     1     3    3    3 


THE    LAST   WILL  AND    TESTAMENT    OF 
WILLIAM    RUFFELL,  ESQ. 

As  this  life  must  soon  end,  and  my  frame  will  decay, 
And  my  soul  to  some  far-distant  clime  wing  its  way, 
Ere  that  time  arrives,  now  I  free  am  from  cares, 
1  thus  wish  to  settle  my  worldly  affairs — 
A  course  right  and  proper  men  of  sense  will  agree. 
I  am  now  strong  and  hearty,  my  age  forty-three ; 
I  make  this  my  last  will,  as  I  think  'tis  quite  time. 
It  conveys  all  I  wish,  though  'tis  written  in  rhyme, 
To  employ  an  attorney  I  ne'er  was  iuclin'd. 
They  are  pests  to  society,  sharks  of  mankind. 
To  avoid  that  base  tribe  my  own  will  I  now  draw, 
May  I  ever  escaj^e  coming  under  their  paw. 
To  Ezra  Dalton,  my  nephew,  I  give  all  my  land, 
With  the  old   Gothic  cottage   that   thereon   doth 

stand ; 
'Tis .  near   Shimpling  great  road,  in  which  I  now 

dwell. 
It  looks  like  a  chapel  or  liermit's  old  cell. 
With  my  furniture,  j^late,  and  linen  likewise, 
And  securities,  money,  with  what  may  arise. 
'Tis  my  wish  and  desire  that  he  should  enjoy  these, 
And  i^ray  let  him  take  oven  my  sLin,  if  he  jjlcase. 


102       The    Will  of  William  Ruff  ell,  Esq, 

To  my  loving,  kind  sister  I  give  and  bequeath, 
For  her  tender  regard,  when  this  world   I  shall 

leave, 
If  she   choose   to   accej^t   it,  my  rump-bone   may 

take, 
And  tip  it  with  silver,  a  whistle  to  make. 
My  brother-in-law  is  a  strange-tempered  dog ; 
He's  as  fierce  as  a  tiger,  in  manners  a  hog ; 
A  2^etty  tyrant  at  home,  his  frowns  how  they  dread ; 
Two  ideas  at  once  never  entered  his  head. 
So  proud  and  so  covetous,  moreover  so  mean, 
I  dislike  to  look  at  him,  the  fellow  is  so  lean. 
He  ne'er  behaved  well,  and,  though  very  unwilling, 
Yet  I  feel  that  I  must  cut  him  oif  with  a  shillino:. 
My  executors,  too,  should  be  men  of  good  fame  ; 
I  appoint  Edmund  Euffell,  of  Cockfield,  by  name  ; 
In  his  old  easy-chair,  with  short  pipe  and  snuff, 
What  matter  his  whims,  he  is  honest  enough ; 
With  Samuel  Seely,  of  Alpheton  Lion, 
I  like  his  strong  beer,  and  his  word  can  rely  on. 
When  Death's  iron  hand  gives  the  last  fatal  blow, 
And  my  shattered  old  frame  in  the  dust  must  lie 

low. 
Without  funeral  pomp  let  my  remains  be  conveyed 
To  Brent  Eleigh  churchyard,  near  my  father  be 

laid. 


The   Will  of  William  Fuiffell,  Esq.       103 

This,  writteu  with  my  own  hand,  there  can  be  no 

ai3peal, 
I  now  therefore  at  once  set  my  hand  and  my  seal, 
As  being  my  last  will ;  I  to  this  fully  agree, 
This  eighteenth  day  of  March,  eighteen  hundred 

and  three. 


104  A  Lawyer's  Will. 


A  LAWYER'S   WILL. 

This  is  my  last  Will  and  Testament : 
Read  it  according  to  my  intent. 
My  gracious  God  to  me  liatli  giv'n 
Store  of  good  things  that,  under  heav'n, 
Are  giv'n  to  those  "  that  love  the  Lord, 
And  hear  and  do  his  sacred  word": 
I  therefore  give  to  my  dear  wife 
All  my  estates,  to  keep  for  life, 
Real  and  personal,  i:>rofits,  rents, 
Messuages,  lands,  and  tenements; 
After  her  death  I  give  the  whole 
Unto  my  children,  one  and  all. 
To  take  as  "  Tenants  in  Common  "  do, 
Not  as  "Joint  Tenants," ^9(^r  mie, 2^Gr  tout. 
I  give  "  all  my  Trust  Estates  "  in  fee 
To  Charlotte,  my  wife  and  devisee, 
To  hold  to  her,  on  trust,  the  same 
As  I  now  hold  them  in  my  name ; 
I  give  her  power  to  convey  the  fee 
As  fully  as  though  'twere  done  by  me, 
And  here  declare  that  from  all  cliarges. 
My  wife's  "  receipts  are  good  discharges." 


A  Lawyer' 8  Wdl.  105 

May  God  Almighty  bless  bis  Word 
To  all  "  my  presents  from  the  Lord," 
May  be  his  blessings  on  them  shed 
When  down  in  sleep  they  lay  their  head. 
And  now,  my  wife,  my  hopes  I  fix 
On  thee,  my  sole  executrix — 
My  truest,  best,  and  to  the  end, 
My  faithful  partner,  "  crown,"  and  friend. 

In  witness  thereof,  I  hereunto 
My  hand  and  seal  have  set, 
In  presence  of  those  whose  names  below 
Subscribe  and  witness  it. 

J.  C.  G.     [l.  s.] 
2Gth  January,  1835. 

This  will  was  published,  seal'd,  and  sign'd 
By  the  testator,  in  his  right  mind, 
In  presence  of  us,  who,  at  his  request. 
Have  written  our  names  these  facts  to  attest. 

J.  M. 

D.  E. 

J.  G.  D. 
Solicitors. 


106  The  Will  of  Joshua    WesL 


THE  WILL    OF    JOSHUA   WEST. 

Perhaps  I  died  not  worth  a  groat ; 

But  should  I  die  worth  something  more, 
Then  I  give  that,  and  ray  best  coat, 
And  all  ray  raanuscrijjts  in  store, 
To  those  who  shall  the  goodness  have 

To  cause  my  poor  remains  to  rest 
Within  a  decent  shell  and  grave. 
This  is  the  will  of  Joshua  West. 

Joshua  West. 
Witnessed,  V\.  Mills. 

J.  A.  Berry. 
John  Baines. 


The  Will  of  James  Birjsby,  107 


THE  WILL  OF    JAMES  BIGSBY. 

As  I  feel  very  queer,  my  will  I  now  make ; 
AYrite  it  down,  Josei^h  Finch,  and  make  no  mis- 
take. 
I  wish  to  leave  all  things  fair  and  right,  do  you  see, 
And  my  relatives  satisfy.     N^ow,  listen  to  me. 
The  first  in  ray  will  is  Lydia  my  wife, 
Who  to  me  proved  a  comfort  three  years  of  my  life ; 
The  second  ray  poor  aged  mother  I  say. 
With  whom  I  have  quarrelled  on  many  a  day, 
For  which  I've  been  sorry,  and  also  am  still; 
I  wish  to  give  her  a  place  in  my  will. 
The  third  that  I  mention  is  my  dear  little  child ; 
When  I  think  of  her,  Joseph,  I  feel  almost  wild. 
Uncle  Sam  Bigsby,  I  must  think  of  him  too, 
Peradventure  he  will  say  that  I  scarcely  can  do. 
And  230or  Uncle  Gregory,  I  must  leave  him  a  part 
If  it  is  nothing  else  but  the  back  of  the  cart. 
And  for  you,  my  executor,  I  will  do  what  I  can. 
For  acting  towards  me  like  an  honest  young  man. 

Now,  to  my  wife  I  bequeath  greater  part  of  my 
store  ; 
First  thing  is  the  bedstead  before  the  front  door ; 


108  Thi  Will  of  James  Bigshsj. 

The  next  is  the  cliair  standinc!;  bv  the  fireside, 

Tlie  fender  and  irons  she  cleaned  with  much  23ride. 

I  also  bequeath  to  Lydia  my  wife 

A  box  in  the  cupboard,  a  sword,  gun,  and  knife, 

And  the  harmless  old  pistol  w^ithout  any  lock, 

"Wtiich  no  man  can  fire  off,  for  'tis  minus  a  cock. 

The  cups  and  the  saucers  I  leave  her  also, 

And  a  book  called  The  History  of  Poor  Little  3Io, 

With  the  kettle,  the  boiler,  and  old  frying-pan, 

A  shovel,  a  mud-scoop,  a  j^ail,  and  a  pan. 

And  remember,  I  firmly  declare  and  protest 

That  my  poor  aged  mother  shall  have  my  oak  chest 

And  the  broken  whip  under  it.     Do  you  hear  what 

I  say? 
Write  all  these  things  down  without  any  delay. 
And  my  dear  little  child,  I  must  think  of  her  too. 
Friend  Joseph,  I  am  dying,  what  shall  I  do? 
I  give  her  my  banyan,  my  cap,  and  my  hose, 
My  big  monkey-jacket,  my  shirt,  and  my  shoes; 
And  to  Uncle    Sam    Bigsby  I   bequeath  my  high 

boots. 
And  pickaxe  and  mattock  with  which   I  stubbed 

roots. 
And  poor  Uncle  Gregory,  with  the  wliole  of  my 

heart, 
I  give  for  a  bedstead  the  back  of  the  cart. 


The    Will  of  James  Bigshy.  109 

And  to  you,  my  executor,  last  in  my  will, 
I  bequeath  a  few  trifles  to  pay  off  your  b.ll. 
I  give  you  my  shot-belt,  ray  dog,  and  my  nets, 
And  the  rest  of  my  goods  sell  to  pay  off  my  debts. 

Joseph  Finch,  Executcr. 
Dated  February  4th,  1839 


10 


llO  Wills    Without  Lawyers, 


WILLS  WITHOUT  LAWYERS. 

Vide,  "  Home-made  Wills."— iVe^Jspa^^er  Paragraph. 

I  WAS  a  dissolute  young  blade, 
A  scape-grace  of  the  worst  degree, 

And  so  my  slow  old  uncle  made 
A  will  to  disinherit  me. 

To  save  the  lawyer's  fees  intent, 

The  deed  himself  he  needs  must  draw ; 

And  by  that  precious  testament. 
He  cut  me  off — his  heir-at-law. 

At  last  the  old  curmudgeon  died. 

And  lo!  the  will,  when  'twas  perused, 

Proved  only  signed  on  its  outside ; 
And  so  the  probate  was  refused. 

The  tin  is  mine  instead  of  Bill's, 
Although  I  am  a  worthless  whelp : 

So  Iiere's  success  to  all  whose  wills 
Are  made  without  a  lawyer's  help. 


MaJce  Thy  Will  HI 


MAKE   THY   WILL. 

O  LOVE,  what  life  shines  through  thine  eyes 

So  bright,  of  clear  uneloiided  blue  ! 
What  radiant  health,  my  treasure,  dyes 

Thy  dimpled  cheeks  witli  roseate  hue! 
How  frail  a  thing  is  yet  that  life ! 

I  think  its  loss  myself  would  kill ; 
But  lest  I  should,  my  little  wife, 

Perchance  survive  thee,  make  thy  will. 

O'er  us,  united,  many  years, 

I  trust,  there  are  to  roll  away ; 
But  who  can,  in  this  vale  of  tears, 

Be  certain  of  another  day  ? 
The  least  delay  how  oft  we  rue ! 

Precaution  let  that  thought  instill, 
What  should  be  done  at  once  to  do ; 

Now  that  is,  dearest,  make  thy  will. 

Else  I  should  not  obtain  the  whole — 
Some  paii)  would  go  away  from  me — 

My  own  one,  make  me,  then,  thy  sole 
Executor  and  legatee. 


112  Hake   Thy  Well. 

Then  let  the  happy  moments  fly, 
Far  distant  be  that  hour,  until, 

If  I  be  not  the  first  to  die, 

When  thou  wilt  leave  me.     Make  thy  will. 


A  Question  of  I'estamentarij  Literjpretation.    113 


A  QUESTION   OF   TESTAMENTARY  IN- 
TERPRETATION. 

A  EoMAX  lawyer,  as  the  story  goes, 

A  question  of  this  kind  did  first  propose : 

That  if  a  person  die  and  leave  behind 

His  whole  estate — the  amount  is  here  subjoined, 

8,O00Z— 
And  wife  with  child,  then  'tis  his  will  and  mind, 
That  of  a  son  she  should  deliver'd  be. 
Two-thirds  must  be  his  share,  one-third  for  she ; 
But  if  a  daughter,  then  the  widow's  share 
Must  be  two-thirds,  the  daughter  one-third  clear, 
Now,  soon  the  widow  is,  as  we  do  say, 
Delivered  of  a  daughter  and  a  boy; 
No^v,  to  answer  the  father's  will,  come  tell  to  me, 
How  the  estate  (with  justice)  must  divided  be. 

ANSWER. 

Unto  the  Roman  lawyer  thus  I  say, 

In  answer  to  his  "moot  point"  rais'd  to-day; 

Whereas,  the  father  (the  testator)  died, 

And  for  the  event,  that  chanc'd  fail'd  to  provide, 

And  "  Justice  "  thus  was  loft  (alas!)  to  find 

And  to  discover  how  the  father,  kind 


114  A   Question  of  Testamentary  Interpretation. 

(Had  he  but  thought),  would  have  express'd  his 

mind ; 
It  seems  but  right  (to  me,  at  least)  to  say, 
One-half  the  amount  the  executor  should  pay 
Unto  the  son ;  the  daughter  and  her  mother 
Taking  in  equal  moieties  the  other. 


Canons  of  Descent.  115 


CANONS  OF  DESCENT. 


CANOX   I. 


Estates  go  to  the  issue  {item) 

Of  him  last  seized,  in  infinitum  ; 

Like  cow  tails,  downward  straight  they  tend, 

But  never  lineally  ascend; 


CANO]S^  II. 


This  gives  that  preference  to  males, 
At  which  a  lady  justly  rails; 


CANON  ni. 


Of  two  males  in  the  same  degree 
The  eldest,  only,  heir  shall  be ; 
With  females  we  this  order  break, 
And  let  them  altoojether  take : 


CANON  IV. 


When  one  his  worldly  strife  hath  ended, 
Those  who  are  lineally  descended 
Erom  him,  as  to  his  claims  and  riches, 
Shall  stand  precisely  in  his  breeches ; 


116  Canons  of  Descent. 


CANON"   V. 


When  lineal  descendants  fail, 
Collaterals  the  land  may  nail; 
So  that  they  be  (and  that  a  bore  is) 
Z>e  sanguine  progenitoris. 


CANON   VI. 


The  heir  collateral,  d'ye  see, 

Next  kinsman  of  whole  blood  must  be ; 


CANON   VII. 


And  of  collaterals,  the  male 

Stocks  are  preferred  to  female. 

Unless  the  land  come  from  the  woman, 

And  then  her  heirs  shall  yield  to  no  man. 


Hides  of  Descent  in  the   United  States.     117 


RULES  OF  DESCENT  IN"  THE   UXITED 

STATES. 

AS    LAID    DOWX   BY   KENT    IN"    1831. 

If  one  dies  owning  an  estate 

It  lineally  must  gravitate  ; 

If  but  one  heir  it  will  annex, 

To  hiui  or  lier  in  spite  of  sex ; 

If  there  be  more,  as  well  there  may, 

They  all  shall  take/>e/'  capita. 

But  if  degrees,  perchance,  there  be, 

Of  different  consanguinity, 

As  sons  and  grandsons,  all  shall  take, 

And  an  estate  in  common  make ; 

But  such  o'randsons  have  cause  to  fear  it. 

They'll  not  an  item  more  inherit, 

Than  would  have  been  their  father's  share, 

Had  he  been  the  living  heir. 

But  if  the  owner  meets  his  fate — 
No  lineal  heir  to  his  estate ; 
We've  dared  the  Common  Law  to  mend 
And  his  estate  shall  now  ascend. 


118     Rules  of  Descent  in  the  United  States. 

Again:  in  case  the  owner  do 
Lack  issue  and  lack  parents  too, 
His  brothers  and  his  sisters  shall 
Succeed  by  rules  collateral. 
If  brothers,  sisters,  nephews,  nieces. 
They  then  will  take  in  equal  pieces; 
If  some  be  dead,  some  living  be, 
They'll  take  by  nearness  of  degree. 

And  in  default  of  father,  mother, 
And  nephews,  nieces,  sisters,  brother, 
Or  issue,  the  estate  can't  fall, 
But  yet  it  will  rise  above  them  all. 

Again  :  and  if  i^erchance  there  shall 

Be  no  descendants  lineal — 

If  parents,  brothers,  sisters,  none, 

With  their  descendants  'nealh  the  snn, 

Nor  the  grandparents,  the  estate 

Shall  by  unerring,  legal  fate 

Unto  the  aunts  and  uncles  wend, 

And  those  who  from  them  may  descend; 

If  equally  related,  they 

Will  take  their  part  ^9f r  capita  ; 

But  if  in  different  degrees, 

They  all  shall  then  take  per  "  stirpes." 


Rules  of  Descent  in  the   United  States.     119 

Provided,  if  the  intestate  had 
Derived  his  living  from  his  dad, 
It  shall  to  aunts  and  uncles  slide. 
And  issue  on  the  father's  side ; 
And  if  none  such  there  be,  perchance, 
Then  to  the  uncles  and  the  aunts 
On  the  maternal  side  'twill  go ; 
And  this  rule  works  e  converso. 

This  eighth  last  rule,  it  seems  to  me, 
Is  rather  stiff  for  poetry. 


120      Variation  of  the  Rule  i7i  Shelley^ s   Case. 


VARIATION  OF  THE  RULE  IN  SHELLEY'S 

CASE. 

At  York,  Pennsylvania,  recently  died 
A  gentleman  who,  in  his  life-time,  was  tied 
With  bonds  matrimonial  unto  a  wife ; 
The  reason,  j^erhaps,  he  departed  this  life. 

While  living,  however — though  but  a  brief  space 

Ere  departing — he  had  tlie  misfortune  to  place 

His  wife  in  that  rather  peculiar  position 

She  ne'er  could  have  entered  of  her  sole  volition ; 

Then,  feeling  himself  quite  exhausted  and  ill. 

He  drew  up  and  signed,  sealed,  and  published  his 

will, 
In  which,  with  commendable  care,  he  provided 
That  at  his  demise  his  estate  be  divided 
'Twixt  his  wife,  soon  to  be  a  young  widow  forlorn, 
And  the  child  that  he  hoj^ed  would  duly  be  born ; 
Said  child,  if  a  girl,  to  take  only  one-third ; 
But  two-thirds,  if  a  boy :  whence  it  may  be  averred 
The  testator  a  boy  to  a  girl  much  j^referred. 

His  affairs  thus  arranged  and  his  wife  in  said  fix, 
This  father  expectant  crossed  over  the  Styx. 


Variation  of  thi  Rule  in  Shelleifs   CasC:     121 

Now,  one  would  suppose — at  least,  at  first  thought, 
No  will  could  be  simpler  and  plainer — that  naught 
Could,  by  any  contingency,  happen  to  throw 
Any  doubt  as  to  how  the  estate  was  to  go  : 
To  the  widow,  one-third,  or  tw^o-thirds,  or  the  whole, 
As  the  issue  might  be  and  the  embryo  soul 
Prove  a  male  or  a  female,  or  perish  at  birth  ; 
To  the  child,  if  a  girl  it  should  happen  to  be, 
One-third;  if  a  boy,  then  two  parts  out  of  three. 
Was  ever  a  more  simple  will  made  on  earth  ? 

But  (to  alter  a  proverb  Frangaise), 

L'homme  propose,  la  femme  dispose.     Nine  months 

to  a  day. 
After  shrouding  her  husband,  our  widow  began 
To  put  into  bold  execution  a  plan 
She'd  conceived  with  intent  to  demolish  completely 
The  will  the   deceased  thought  he'd  drawn  up  so 

neatly. 
She  sent  for  a  priest  and  confessed  all  her  sins, 
Then  took  to  her  bed  and  gave  birth  to — twins ; 
And,  as  if  her  dead  lord  to  spite  doubly,  and  vex 

his 
Pale  ghost,  the  said  twins  were  of  opposite  sexes  ! 

And  now  all  the  lawyers  and  judges  and  friends 
Of  this  troublesome  widow  are  at  their  wit's  ends 


122      Variation  of  the  Rule  in  Shelley'' s   Case. 

To  determine  just  how  the  estate  to  divide  ; 
And  they  find  it  a  right  knotty  point  to  decide : 
Shall  the  boy  have  two-thirds  while  the  other  third 

goes 
To   the  girl,   and  the  widow  get  naught  for  her 

throes  ? 
Or  must  we  allow  the  astute  widow's  claim 
To  two-thirds  on  the  plea  that  a  feminine  came, 
And  to  one-third  beside  on  the  opposite  plea 
That  one  of  the  posthumous  heirs  is  a  he? 
Or  shall  the  whole  go  to  the  lawyers  and  court  ? 
Or  Avhere  else  must  a  fitting  solution  be  sought  ? 
'Tis  a  question  o'er  which  it  will  be  easy  to  quarrel, 
Let  us  leave  it  unanswered  and  draw  a  brief  moral. 

MORAL. 

Ye  over-affectionate  husbands,  take  care ! 
Not  to  leave  twins  behind  you  in  ventre  sa  inere. 
Above  all,  harbor  not  the  prej^osterous  thought. 
Your  will  can  your  widow's  will  possibly  thwart. 


SC.  Peter  vs.  a  Lawyer.  123 


ST.   PETER    Fas',   a  LAWYER. 

PROFESSIONS  will  abuse  each  other; 

The  j)riest  won't  call  the  lawyer  brother. 

While  Salkeld  still  beknaves  the  parson, 

And  says  he  cants  to  keep  the  farce  on. 

Yet  will  I  readily  suppose 

They  are  not  truly  bitter  foes, 

But  only  have  their  pleasant  jokes, 

And  banter,  just  like  other  folks. 

As  thus,  for  so  they  quiz  the  Law, 

Once  on  a  time,  the  attorney.  Flaw, 

A  man,  to  tell  you  as  the  fact  is, 

Of  vast  chicane,  of  course  of  practice 

(But  what  profession  can  we  trace 

Where  some  will  not  the  corps  disgrace? 

Seduc'd,  perhaps,  by  roguish  client, 

Who  tempt  him  to  become  more  pliant), 

A  notice  had  to  quit  the  world. 

And  from  his  desk  at  once  was  hurl'd. 

Observe,  I  j^ray,  the  plain  narration  : 

'Twas  in  a  hot  and  long  vacation, 

When  time  he  had,  but  no  assistance, 

Though  great  from  courts  of  law  the  distance, 


124  St.  jPeter  vs.  a  Lawyer. 

To  reach  the  court  of  truth  and  justice 

(WJicre  I  confess,  my  only  trust  is), 

Though  here  below  the  learned  pleader 

Shows  talents  Avorthy  of  a  leader. 

Yet  his  own  fame  he  must  support, 

Be  sometimes  witty  with  the  court, 

Or  work  the  passions  of  a  jury 

By  tender  strains,  or,  full  of  fury, 

Mislead  them  all,  tho'  twelve  apostles, 

While  with  the  new  law  the  judge  lie  jostles, 

And  makes  them  all  give  up  their  pow'rs, 

To  sjDeeches  of  at  least  three  hours. 

But  we  have  left  our  little  man, 

And  wander'd  from  our  purpos'd  plan : 

'Tis  said  (without  ill-natured  leaven), 

If  ever  lawyers  get  to  heaven. 

It  surely  is  by  slow  degrees 

(Perhaps  'tis  slow  they  take  their  fees). 

The  case  then,  now,  I  fairly  state  : 

Flaw  reacli'd  at  last  to  heaven's  \\vA\  c^ate: 

Quite  short  he  rapp'd,  none  did  it  neater, 

The  gate  was  open'd  by  St.  Peter, 

Who  look'd  astonish'd  when  he  saw 

All  black,  the  little  man  of  law ; 

But  Charity  was  Peter's  guide. 

For  having  once  himself  denied 


^i.  JPeter  vs.  a  Lawyer.  125 

His  Master,  he  would  not  o'erpass 

The  peuiteut  of  any  class  ; 

Yet  having:  never  heard  there  enter'd 

A  lawyer,  nay,  nor  one  that  ventur'd 

Within  the  realms  of  peace  and  love, 

lie  told  him,  mildly,  to  remove, 

And  would  have  clos'd  the  gate  of  day, 

Had  not  old  Flaw,  in  suppliant  way, 

Demurring  to  so  hard  a  fate, 

Begg'd  but  a  look,  tho',  through  the  gate. 

St.  Peter,  rather  off  his  guard, 

Unwilling  to  be  thought  too  hard, 

Opens  the  gate  to  let  him  peep  in. 

What  did  the  lawyer?    Did  he  creep  in? 

Or  dash  at  once  to  take  possession  ? 

O  no ;  he  knew  his  own  profession  ; 

He  took  his  hat  off  with  respect. 

And  would  no  gentle  means  neglect ; 

But  finding  it  was  all  in  vain 

For  him  admittance  to  obtain. 

Thought  it  were  best,  let  come  what  will, 

To  gain  an  entry  by  his  skill. 

So  while  St.  Peter  stood  aside 

To  let  the  door  be  open'd  wide, 

lie  skimm'd  his  hat  with  all  his  strength 

Within  the  orate  to  no  small  lenojth : 


12  G  JSt.  Peter  vs.  a  Lawyer, 

St.  Peter  star'd ;  the  lawyer  asked  bim, 
"  Only  to  fetch  his  hat,"  and  pass'd  him, 
But  when  he  reach'd  the  jack  he'd  thrown, 
O,  then  was  all  the  lawyer  shown ; 
He  clapp'd  it  on,  and  arms  a-kembo 
(As  if  he'd  been  the  gallant  Bembo)^ 
Cry'd  out,  "  What  think  you  of  my  plan? 
Eject  me,  Peter ^  "^f  you  can.'''* 


Justice  and  the  Lawyer.  127 


JUSTICE   AND   THE   LAWYER. 

Past  twelve  o'clock,  the  watchman  cry'd ; 
His  brief  the  studious  lawyer  plied ; 
The  all-prevailing  fee  lay  nigh, 
The  earnest  of  to-morrow's  lie. 
Sudden  the  furious  winds  arise, 
The  jarring  casement  shattered  flies; 
The  doors  admit  a  hollow  sound, 
And  rattling  from  their  hinges  bound, 
When  Justice,  in  a  blaze  of  light, 
Reveal'd  her  radiant  form  to  sijrht. 

The  wretch  with  thrilling  horror  shook, 
Loose  every  joint,  and  pale  his  look; 
Not  having  seen  her  in  the  courts, 
Or  found  her  mentioned  in  reports. 
He  ask'd,  with  falt'ring  tongue,  her  name, 
Her  errand  there,  and  whence  she  came. 

Sternly  the  white-rob'd  shade  reply'd, 
(A  crimson  glow  her  visage  dy'd). 
Canst  thou  be  doubtful  who  I  am  ? 
Is  Justice  grown  so  strange  a  name  ? 
Were  not  your  courts  for  Justice  rais'd  ? 
'Twas  there  of  old  my  altars  blaz'd. 


128  Justice  and  the  Lawyer, 

My  guardian  thee  I  did  elect, 
My  sacred  temple  to  protect. 
That  thou  and  all  thy  venal  tribe 
Should  spurn  the  goddess  for  the  bribe ! 
Aloud  the  ruin'd  client  cries 
That  Justice  has  nor  ears  nor  eyes; 
In  foul  alliance  with  the  bar, 
'Gainst  me  the  judge  denounces  war, 
And  rarely  issues  his  decree 
But  with  intent  to  baffle  me. 

She  paus'd.     Iler  breast  with  fury  burn'd. 
The  trcmblinfr  lawver  thus  return'd  : 


o 


I  own  the  charge  is  justly  laid, 
And  weak  th'  excuse  that  can  be  made ; 
Yet  search  the  spacious  globe  and  see 
If  all  mankind  are  not  like  me. 
The  gownsman,  skilled  in  Romish  lies, 
By  faith's  false  glass  deludes  our  eyes; 
O'er  conscience  rides,  without  control. 
And  robs  the  man  to  save  his  soul. 
The  doctor,  with" important  face. 
By  sly  design  mistakes  the  case ; 
Prescribes,  and  spies  out  the  disease, 
To  trick  the  patient  of  his  fees. 


Justice  and  the  Lawyer.  129 

The  soldier,  rough  with  many  a  scar, 
And  red  with  slaughter,  leads  the  war ; 
If  he  a  nation's  trust  betray, 
The  foe  has  offered  double  j^ay. 
When  vice  o'er  all  mankind  prevails, 
And  weighty  interest  turns  the  scales, 
Must  I  be  better  than  the  rest, 
And  harbor  justice  in  my  breast? 
On  one  side  only  take  the  fee. 
Content  with  poverty  and  thee  ? 

Thou  blind  to  sense,  and  vile  of  mind, 
The  exasperated  shade  rejoin'd, 
If  virtue  from  the  world  is  flown, 
Will  others'  faults  excuse  thy  own  ? 
For  sickly  souls  the  first  was  made  ; 
Physicians  for  the  body's  aid ; 
The  soldier  guarded  liberty ; 
Man,  woman,  and  the  lawyer  me. 
If  all  are  faithless  to  their  trust. 
They  leave  not  thee  the  less  unjust. 
Henceforth  your  pleadings  I  disclaim, 
And  bar  the  sanction  of  my  name  ; 
Within  your  courts  it  shall  be  read. 
That  Justice  from  the  law  is  fled. 


130  The  Devil  and  the  Lawyers. 


THE  DEVIL  AND  THE  LAWYERS. 

The  Devil  came  up  to  tlie  earth  one  day, 
And  into  the  court  he  wended  his  way, 
Just  as  the  attorney,  with  very  grave  face, 
Was  i^roceeding  to  argue  the  point  in  a  case. 

Now,  a  lawyer  his  majesty  never  had  seen ; 
For  to  his  dominions  none  ever  had  been, 
And  he  felt  A'ery  anxious  the  reason  to  know 
Why  none  had  been  sent  to  the  regions  below. 

'Twas  the  fault  of  his  agents,  his  majesty  thought, 
That  none  of  these  lawyers  had  ever  been  caught! 
And  for  his  own  pleasure  he  felt  a  desire 
To  come  to  the  earth  and  the  reason  inquire. 

Well,  the  lawyer  who  rose,  with  a  visage  so  grave 
Made  out  his  oj^i^onent  a  consummate  knave ; 
And  Satan  felt  considerably  amused 
To  hear  the  attorney  so  badly  abused. 

But  soon  as  the  speaker  had  come  to  a  close. 
The  counsel  opposing  him  fiercely  arose, 
And  heaped  such  abuse  on  the  head  of  the  first. 
That  made  him  a  villain  of  all  men  the  worst. 


The  Devil  and  the  Laioyers,  131 

Thus  tliey  quarrelled, coiiteuded,  and  argued  so  long, 
'Twas  hard  to  determine  which  of  thcui  was  wrong, 
And  concluding  he'd  heard  enough  of  the  fuss, 
Old  Nick  turned  away,  and  soliloquized  thus : 

"They've  j^uzzled  tlie   court  with  their  villainous 

cavil, 
And,  I'm  free  to  confess  it,  they've  puzzled  the  Devil. 
My  agents  were  right  to  let  lawyers  alone. 
If  I  had  them  they'd  swindle  me  out  of  my  throne." 


13-J.  The  Farmer  and  the   Counsellor. 


TITE   FARMER  AND   THE   COUNSELLOR. 

A  Counsel  in  the  Comraon  Pleas 
Who  was  esteemed  a  mighty  wit, 
Upon  the  strength  of  a  cliance  hit 
Amid  a  thousand  flippancies, 
And  his  occisional  bad  jokes 
In  bullying,  bantering,  brow-beating, 
RidiculincT  and  maltreatinGf 
Women,  or  other  timid  folks. 
In  a  late  cause  resolved  to  hoax 
A  clownish  Yorkshire  farmer — one 
Who,  by  liis  uncouth  look  and  gait, 
Appear'd  expressly  meant  by  Fate 
For  being  quizz'd  and  play'd  upon. 
So  having  tipp'd  the  wink  to  those 

In  the  back  rows. 
Who  kej^t  their  laughter  bottled  down 
Until  our  wag  should  draw  the  cork, 
He  smiled  jocosely  on  the  clown, 

And  went  to  work. 
"  Well,  Farmer  Numskull,  how  go 

Calves  at  York?" 
"  Why — not,  sir,  as  they  do  wi'  you, 
But  on  four  legs  instead  of  two." 


The  Farmer  and  the   Counsellor.  133 

"  Officer!  "  cried  the  legal  elf, 

Piqued  at  thelaugL  against  himself, 

**Do,  pray,  keep  sileuce  down  below  there : 

Now  look  at  me,  clown,  attend, 

Have  I  not  seen  you  somewhere,  friend  ?  " 

"  Tees — very  like — I  often  go  there." 

'*Our  rustic's  waggish,  quite  laconic," 

The  counsel  cried,  with  grin  sardonic  ; 

"  I  wish  I'd  known  this  prodigy, 

This  genius  of  the  clods,  when  I 

On  circuit  was  at  York  residing. 

Now,  farmer,  do  for  once  speak  true, 

Mind,  you're  on  oath,  so  tell  me,  you 

Who  doubtless  think  yourself  so  clever, 

Are  there  as  many  fools  as  ever 

In  the  West  Riding?" 
"  Why,  no,  sir,  no ;  we've  got  our  share, 
But  not  so  many  as  when  you  were  there." 

12 


134  The   CounseVs    Tear. 


THE   COUXSEL'S   TEAR. 

If  FahaDxVy's  or  Lie  big's  .irt 

Could  crystallize  this  legal  treasure, 

Long  might  a  pleader  near  his  heart 
The  jewel  wear  with  chuckling  pleasure. 

The  native  brilliant,  ere  it  fell, 

A  squeeze  produced  in  Walker's  eye, 

Which,  winking,  dropped  the  liquid  "  sell," 
The  sj3ring  of  plausibility. 

Nice  drop  of  rich  and  racy  light, 
In  thee  the  rays  of  Humor  shine ; 

Almost  as  queer,  all  but  as  bright, 
As  any  gem  or  joke  of  mine. 

Thou  fine  effusion  of  the  soul ! 

That  never  fail'st  to  gain  relief, 
Which  barristers  can  ne'er  control. 

When  thou  art  like  to  help  their  brief : 

The  farce-wright's  and  the  jester's  tlieme, 
In  many  a  joke,  on  many  a  stage. 

Thou  moisten'st  Chitty's  arid  theme. 
And  Blackstoxe's  dry  nnd  dreary  page. 


The  CoiinseVs   Tear.  135 

That  very  lawyer  who  a  tear 

Can  shed,  as  from  the  bosom's  source, 

With  feeling  equally  sincere, 

Could  weep  on  t'other  side — of  course. 


136  Baines   Careio^  Gentleman, 


BAINES  CAREW,   GENTLEMAN. 

Of  all  the  good  attorneys  who 

Have  placed  their  names  upon  the  roll, 

But  few  could  equal  Baines  Carew 
For  tender-heartedness  and  soul. 

Whene'er  he  heard  a  tale  of  woe 

From  client  A  or  client  B, 
His  grief  would  overcome  him  so 

He'd  scarce  have  strencrth  to  take  liis  fee. 


o 


It  laid  him  up  for  many  days, 
When  duty  led  him  to  distrain ; 

And  serving  writs,  although  it  pays, 
Gave  him  excruciating  pain. 

He  made  out  costs,  distrained  for  rent, 

Foreclosed  and  sued,  with  moistened  eye- 
No  bill  of  costs  could  represent 
The  value  of  such  sympathy. 

No  charges  can  approximate 

The  worth  of  sympathy  with  woe ; — 
Although  I  think  I  ought  to  state 

He  did  his  best  to  make  them  so. 


Raines   Careic,  Gentleman.  137 

Of  all  the  many  clients  who 
Had  mustered  round  his  legal  flag, 

No  sinsrle  client  of  the  crew 

Was  half  so  dear  as  Captaix  Bagg. 

Now,  Captain  Bagg  had  bowed  him  to 

A  heavy  matrimonial  yoke — 
His  wifey  had  of  faults  a  few — 

She  never  could  resist  a  joke. 

Her  chaff  at  first  he  meekly  bore, 

Till  unendurable  it  grew. 
"  To  stop  this  pei-secution  sore 

I  will  consult  my  friend  Carew. 

"  And  when  Carew's  advice  I've  got, 

Divorce  a  inensd  I  shall  try." 
(A  legal  separation — not 

A  vinculo  conjugii.) 

"  O,  Baixes  Carew,  my  woe  I've  kept 

A  secret  hitherto,  you  know  "  ;  — 
(And  Baixes  Carew,  Esquire,  he  wept 
To  hear  that  Bagg  had  any  woe.) 

"  My  case,  indeed,  is  passing  sad. 

My  wife — whom  I  considered  true — 
With  brutal  conduct  drives  me  mad." 

"  I  am  appalled,"  said  Bai^-es  Carew. 


138  Baines   Carew^  Gentleman. 

"  What !  sound  the  matrimonial  knell 
Of  worthy  people  such  as  these! 

Why  was  I  an  attorney?     Well — 
Go  on  to  the  scevUia,  please." 

"  Domestic  bliss  has  proved  my  "bane — 
A  harder  case  you  never  heard, 

My  wife  (in  other  matters  sane) 
Pretends  that  I'm  a  Dicky  bird ! 

"  She  makes  me  sing,  '  Too-wliit,  too-wee ! ' 
And  stand  upon  a  rounded  stick. 

And  always  introduces  me 

To  every  one  as  '  Pretty  Dick ' !  " 

"  O,  dear,"  said  weeping  Baixes  Carew, 
"This  is  the  direst  case  I  know." 

*'  I'm  grieved,"  said  Bagg,  "  at  jjaining  you — 
To  Cobb  &  Poltherthwaite  I'll  go — 

*'  To  Cobb's  cold,  calculating  ear. 

My  grewsome  sorrows  PU  impart " — 

"  No ;  stop,"  said  Baines,  "  I'll  dry  my  tear, 
And  steel  my  sympathetic  heart." 

"  She  makes  me  perch  upon  a  tree, 
Rewarding  me  with  '  Sweety — nice  ! ' 

And  threatens  to  exhibit  me 

With  four  or  five  performing  mice." 


Raines   Careic^  Gentleman.  1S9 

"  Restrain  my  tears  I  wisli  I  could  " 

(Said  Baines),  "  I  don't  know  what  to  do." 

Said  Captaix  Bagg,  "  You're  very  good." 
"  O,  not  at  all,"  said  Baixes  Carew. 

"  She  makes  me  fire  a  gun,"  said  Bagg  ; 

"  And,  at  a  preconcerted  word, 
Climb  up  a  ladder  with  a  flag, 

Like  any  street  j^erforming  bird. 

"  She  places  sugar  in  my  way — 
In  public  places  calls  me  '  Sweet ! ' 

She  gives  me  groundsel  every  day, 
And  hard  canary-seed  to  eat." 

''  Oh,  woe  !  oh,  sad !  oh,  dire  to  tell !  '* 

(Said  Baines).     "  Be  good  enough  to  stop." 

And  senseless  on  the  floor  he  fell, 
With  unpremeditated  flop. 

Said  Captain-  Bagg,  "  Well,  really  I 
Am  grieved  to  think  it  pains  you  so. 

I  thank  you  for  your  sympathy ; 

But,  hang  it ! — come — I  say,  you  know ! " 

But  Baines  lay  flat  upon  the  floor, 
Convulsed  with  sympathetic  sob ; — 

The  Captain  toddled  off  next  door, 
And  gave  the  case  to  Mr.  Cobb. 


140  Poor  MicharcVs   Opinion. 


POOE  RICHARD'S   OPINIOISr. 

I  KNOW  you  lawyers  can  with  ease 
Twist  words  and  meanings  as  you  please  ; 
That  language,  by  your  skill  made  pliant, 
Will  bend,  to  favor  every  client ; 
That  'tis  the  fee  limits  the  sense 
To  make  out  either  side's  pretense , 
When  you  peruse  the  clearest  case, 
You  see  it  with  a  double  face. 
For  skepticism's  your  profession, 
You  hold  there's  doubt  in  all  expression. 

Hence  is  the  Bar  with  fees  supplied, 

Hence  eloquence  takes  either  side ; 

Your  hand  would  have  but  paltry  gleaning 

Could  every  man  express  his  meaning. 

Who  dares  presume  to  jjen  a  deed 

Unless  you  previously  are  feed  ? 

'Tis  drawn,  and  to  augment  the  cost, 

In  dull  prolixity  engrossed  ; 

And  now  we're  w^ell  secured  by  law. 

Till  the  next  brother  find  a  flaxo. 


Th^  Rush  to  the  Bar.  141 


THE  RUSH  TO  THE   BAR. 

Air.—"  The  Low-backed  Car." 

Now  listen,  and  I'll  sing  you 

Some  light  and  artless  rhymes , 
We  need  such  lays  our  hearts  to  raise, 

In  these  distressful  times. 
The  song  that  I  will  sing  you 

Is  not  of  deeds  of  war, 
But  about  the  lads  that  come  in  squads, 
To  join  the  Scottish  Bar. 
Chorus :    To  enter  the  ranks  of  the  Bar, 

Thev  are  flockini?  from  near  and  far! 
I  think  they  are  mad,  but  still  I  am  glad 
That  there  should  be  such  faith  in  the  Bar. 

No  year  that  we  remember. 

Such  a  crop  of  them  has  seen, 
There  have  passed  since  last  December, 

Not  less  than  seve?iteen  / 
And  ei(/ht  have  paid  their  entrance  fees, 

Who'll  pass,  no  doubt,  next  year. 
To  walk  the  boards,  and  increase  the  hoards, 

The  widow's  souls  that  cheer. 


142  The  Bush  to  the  Bar, 

Chorus:     Such  a  rush  as  there  is  to  the  Bar, 
In  spite  of  hard  times  and  war ! 
Their  wigs  when  they  don,  I  hope  tliey'll 

get  on, 
And  be  pleased  that  they  came  to  the  Bar. 

To  us  behind  the  scenes  here, 

The  sight  seems  rather  strange; 
For  trade  is  slack,  though  there's  no  lack 

Of  movement  and  of  chancre ; 
Our  prizes  are  not  many, 

And  when  a  chance  we  see, 
The  question  now  seems  always  how 
That  they  may  best  abolished  be ! 
Chorus :     But  yet  they  come  on  to  the  Bar, 
Each  hoping  to  prove  a  star. 
The  places  to  fill,  that  are  vacant  still, 
Of  the  former  great  lights  of  the  Bar. 

To  the  learned  Examinators 

You'll  justice  do,  I'm  sure, 
Their  work  has  been,  as  you  may  ween. 

This  year  no  sinecure. 
'Tis  reckoned  a  proof  of  vigor 

To  yield  at  a  birth  two  or  more; 
But  what  will  you  say  when  in  one  day 

Our  Faculty  brought  forth  Four! 


The  Rush  to  the  Bar.  143 

Chorics  :     Thus  we  keep  up  the  life  of  the  Bar, 
And  from  dread  of  extinction  are  far ! 
While  promising  boys  come  to  add  to  our 

joys, 

And  share  in  the  luck  of  the  Bar. 

Then  pledge  the  bold  young  jurists 

Who  have  joined  our  ranks  this  year ; 
Their  healths  we'll  drink,  whatever  we  think 

Of  the  foUv  that  brincjs  them  here. 
I  hope  they  have  private  fortunes, 

To  furnish  the  sinews  of  war ; 
If  not,  let  us  pray,  they  never  may  say, 
We  were  daft  when  we  thought  of  the  Bar. 
Chorus :     So  let  them  come  on  to  the  Bar, 

Things  can  scarcely  be  worse  than  they 

are! 
Here's  success  to  the  lads,  who  are  com- 
ing in  squads 
To  prove  that  there's  life  in  the  Bar ! 


144  The  Song  of  the  Intrant. 


THE   SONG  OF  THE  INTRANT. 

"  Vos  lucernas  juris  nocturnal  versate  raann,  versate  diurna." 

"With  eyelids  heavy  and  red, 

Intent  on  the  labor  of  cram, 
An  Intrant  sat,  with  dishevelledhair, 

Preparing  for  his  Exam. 
Read,  read,  read ! 

Morning,  noon,  and  night ; 
And  still  at  his  books,  without  liquor  or  weed, 

He  sat  till  early  light ! 

Read,  read,  read ! 

While  the  cabs  go  rattling  past ; 
And  read,  read,  read  ! 

Till  the  gay  world's  home  at  last. 
It's  oh !  to  be  at  the  Ball, 

With  its  dance,  flirtation,  and  "  cham," 
The  cool  walk  home,  the  quiet  cigar — 

Confound  this  horrid  Exam. ! 

Read,  read,  read! 

Till  the  brain  begins  to  swim; 
Read,  read,  read  ! 

Till  the  eyes  are  heavy  and  dim. 


Tlie  Song  of  the  Intrani  145 

Stair,  Erskine,  and  Hume, 

Hume,  Erskine,  and  Stair, 
Till  over  the  volumes  I  sleepily  nod. 

And  headlong  descend  from  my  chair! 

Grind,  grind,  grind! 

My  brain  I  never  rest ! 
And  for  what  ?    Perhaps  a  petition  or  two, 

With  a  jury  trial  at  best ! 
The  Bar  is  waxing  large. 

The  causes  are  waxing  few  ; 
Nausrht  but  a  briefless  life  stands  out 

To  my  despairing  view ! 

Read,  read,  read! 

From  weary  chime  to  chime  ; 
Read,  read,  read ! 

As  prisoners  work  for  crime ! 
Bell  and  Menzies  and  Ross, 

Ross,  Menzies,  and  Bell, 
Tillthehead  growshot  and  the  feet  grow  cold, 

And  the  veins  of  the  temples  swell. 

Read,  read,  read ! 

In  the  dull  December  light ; 
13 


146  The  Song  of  the  Intrant. 

And  read,  read,  read  ! 

When  the  weather  is  warm  and  bright. 
1  daren't  go  down  to  golf, 

Cricket  I  must  forswear, 
Basket  and  rod  must  be  laid  on  the  shelf, 

There  isn't  a  day  to  spare. 

Oh!  but  to  breathe  the  breath 

Of  the  cowslip  and  j^rimrose  sweet, 
With  the  sky  above  my  head, 

And  the  grass  beneath  my  feet ! 
Though  for  cowslip  and  primrose  and  grass 

I  did  not  care  one  straw. 
Before  in  an  evil  hour  I  resolved 

To  begin  the  study  of  law. 

Oil !  but  for  one  short  hour ! 

A  respite  however  short  I 
A  little  leisure  to  walk  or  ride, 

If  I  haven't  the  time  for  sport. 
A  two  hours'  ride  would  freshen  me  up, 

And  yet  I  must  toil  on  here 
Tillmytemples  throb  and  my  sight  grows  dim, 

And  my  head  feels  dull  and  queer  ! 

With  shoulders  weary  and  bent, 
Unflaggingly  striving  to  cram, 


The  Song  of  the  Intrant.  147 

An  Intrant  sat  with  an  achins^  head 

Preparing  for  his  Exam. 
Read,  read,  read, 

From  eve  till  early  light, 
And  still  of  the  hours  he  took  no  heed 
He  rested  neither  to  sleej)  nor  feed, 

But  sat  there  day  and  night ! 


148  Crossi7ig  the  JRuMcon. 


CROSSESTG  THE  RUBICON". 

Despite  of  a  little  fear  lurking, 

I  have  pulled  through  ray  final  Exam.; 
So  adieu  for  a  short  time  to  working, 

And  farewell  forever  to  cram. 
I  shall  put  on  my  gown — not  unheeded ; 

Some,  seniors,  shall  wish  me  good  luck, 
Will  tell  me  of  men  who've  succeeded — 

Not  a  word  about  those  who  have  stuck. 

In  this  breathing  space,  just  for  a  moment 

I  brood,  and  I  muse,  and  inquire 
What  ray  fortune  is — well  or  ill  omened  ? 

What  ray  j^ortion  is — lower  or  higher? 
Come,  tell  me,  thou  ancient  haruspedc^^ 

Are  we  classed  with  the  fortunate  few? 
Shall  sunshine  or  shade  rest  on  us  specks 

Of  cloud  in  the  infinite  blue  ? 

Shall  the  barque  of  my  fortunes,  a  "  clean  ship, ' 
Return  to  the  port  whence  it  came  ? 

May  I  ever  aspire  to  the  Deanship 
And  to  leavinoj  a  notable  name  ? 

Shall  I  come  to  be  Lord  Justice-General, 
Or  only  be  Lord  Justice  Clerk? 


Crossing  the  Huhicon.  149 

Comes  a  smister  wlnsiDer,  ''  New  men  are  ail 
Inclined  to  slioot  over  the  mark." 

Shall  I  rank  with  the  forcible-feebles, 

Or  shall  I  come  out  as  a  star  ? 
Shall  I  try  salmon  fishers  in  Peebles, 

Preferring  that  much  to  the  bar? 
Shall  I,  waft  on  a  wild  wind,  be  borne  away 

To  regions  forlorn  and  remote? 
To  Lerwick,  Lochmaddy,  or  Stornoway, 

Where  life  is  not  worth  half  a  groat  ? 

After  years  shall  I  willingly  take  a 

Decent  banishment  out  in  Ceylon, 
Judge  coolies  and  blacks  in  Jamaica, 

Or  elsewhere  in  some  tropical  zone? 
On  the  Gold  Coast,  o'er  niggers  and  ki*oornen, 

Shall  it  be  my  sad  fortune  to  reign  ? 
Notd  bene,  some  good  men  and  true  men 

Such  little  jobs  did  not  disdain. 

Or  tied  to  the  helm  of  some  journal. 

Shall  I  drudge  through  the  sultry  July, 
And  feel  it  not  easy  to  spurn  all 

Temptations  to  have  a  "good  shy"? 
Let  the  high  fates  our  fortunes  determine, 

Yet  what  matters  their  smile  or  their  frown  ? 
Some  hearts  have  been  sad  'neath  the  ermine 

That  were  merry  beneath  the  stuff  gown. 


150  Crossing  the  Huhicon. 

I  own,  like  the  rest  of  mankind,  most 

Legal  folks  rather  favor  the  first ; 
So  with  watch-word  of  "Deuce  take  the  hindmost! " 

Let  us  go  at  our  work  with  a  burst. 
Nay !  nay !  with  an  honest  endeavor, 

With  a  spirit  that's  gallant  and  true, 
Let  us  strive  and  be  thankful — whatever 

The  fates  bring  to  me  and  to  you. 


Advice  to  a  ITouiig  Lawyer.  131 


ADVICE   TO   A  YOUNG  LAWYER. 

Whene'er  you  speak,  remember  every  cause 
Stands  not  on  eloquence,  but  stands  on  laws; 
Pregnant  in  matter,  in  expression  brief. 
Let  every  seutence  stand  with  bold  relief; 
On  trifling  j^oints,  nor  time  nor  talents  waste, 
A  sad  offense  to  learning  and  to  taste ; 
Nor  deal  with  pompous  phrase,  nor  e'er  suppose 
Poetic  flights  belong  to  reasoning  prose  ; 
Loose  declamation  may  deceive  the  crowd. 
And  seem  more  striking  as  it  grows  more  loud ; 
But  sober  sense  rejects  it  with  disdain. 
As  naught  but  empty  noise,  and  weak  as  vain. 
Th.e  froth  of  words,  the  school-boy's  vain  parade 
Of  books  and  cases — all  his  stock  in  trade — 
The  pert  conceits,  the  cunning  tricks  and  play 
Of  low  attorneys,  strung  in  long  array, 
The  unseeml}'-  jest,  the  petulant  reply, 
That  chatters  on,  and  cares  not  how  or  why, 
Studious,  avoid  unworthy  themes  to  scan, 
They  sink  the  Speaker  and  disgrace  the  Man. 
Like  the  false  lights  by  flying  shadows  cast, 
Scarce  seen  when  j^resent,  and  forgot  when  past. 


1'^^  Advice  to  a  young  X>awyer. 

Begin  with  dignity ;  exj^ound  with  grace 
Each  ground  of  reasoning  in  its  time  and  place ; 
Let  order  reign  throughout ;  each  topic  touch, 
Nor  urge  its  power  too  little  or  too  much, 
Give  e.-K'h  strong  thought  its  most  attractive  view- 
In  diction  clear,  and  yet  severely  true. 
And,  as  the  arguments  in  splendor  grow, 
Let  each  reflect  its  lioht  on  all  below. 
When  to  the  close  arrived,  make  no  delays 
By  petty  flourishes  or  verbal  plays, 
But  sum  the  whole  in  one  deep,  solemn  strain, 
Like  a  strong  current  hastening  to  the  main. 


Be  brief,  be  pointed;  let  your  matter  stand 

Lucid  in  order,  solid,  and  at  hand ; 

Spend  not  your  words  on  trifles,  but  condense ; 

Strike  with  the  mass  of  thought,  not  drops  of  sense ; 

Press  to  the  close  with  vigor,  once  begun ; 

And   leave  (how  hard  the  task!) — leave  off  when 

done. 
Who  draws  a  labored  length  of  reasoning  out. 
Puts  straws  in  line  for  wdnds  to  whirl  about. 
Who  drawls  a  tedious  tale  of  learning  o'er 
Counts  but  the  sands  on  ocean's  boundless  shore. 
Victory  in  law  is  gain'd,  as  battles  fought, 
Xot  by  the  numbers,  but  the  forces  brought. 


Advice  to  a  Young  Laicyer.  153 

What  boots  success  in  skirmish  or  in  fray, 

If  rout  and  ruin  following  close  the  day  ? 

What  worth  a  hundred  posts  maintained  with  skill, 

If,  these  all  l.eld,  the  foe  is  victor  still? 

He  who  would    win   his   cause,  with   power  must 

frame 
Points  of  support,  and  look  with  steady  aim ; 
Attack  the  weak,  defend  the  strong  with  art, 
Strike  but  few  blows,  but  strike  them  to  the  heart ; 
All  scatter'd  fires  but  end  in  smoke  and  noise. 
The  scorn  of  men,  the  idle  play  of  boys. 
Keep,  then,  this  first  great  precept  ever  near: 
Short  be  your  speech,  your  matter  strong  and  clear, 
Earnest  your  manner,  warm  and  rich  your  style, 
Severe  in  taste,  yet  full  of  grace  the  while ; 
So  may  you  reach  the  loftiest  heights  of  fame. 
And  leave,  when  life  is  past,  a  deathless  name. 


154  On  Argument  in  Court. 


LINES  WRITTEN    ON  HEARING  AN 
ARGUMENT  IN  COURT. 

Spare  me  quotations,  which,  tho'  leariiM,  are  loii^, 

On  i^oints  remote  at  best,  and  rarely  strong ; 

How  sad  to  find  our  time  consumed  by  speech, 

Feeble  in  logie,  feebler  still  in  reach. 

Yet  urged  in  words  of  high  and  bold  pretense, 

As  if  the  sound  made  up  the  lack  of  sense. 

O,  could  but  lawyers  know  the  great  relief. 

When   reasoning  comes  close,  pointed,  clear,  and 

brief ; 
When  every  sentence  tells,  and  as  it  falls 
With  ponderous  weight,  renew'd  attention  calls — 
Grave  and  more  grave  each  topic,  and  its  force 
Exhausted  not  till  ends  the  destined  course — 
Sure  is  the  victory,  if  the  cause  be  right; 
If  not,  enough  the  glory  of  the  fight. 


The  Briefless  Barrister.  155 


THE   BRIEFLESS   BARRISTER. 

A   BALLAD. 

An  Attorney  was  taking  a  turn, 
In  shabby  habiliments  drest; 

His  coat,  it  was  shockingly  worn, 
And  the  rust  had  invested  his  vest. 

His  breeches  had  suffered  a  breach. 
His  linen  and  worsted  were  worse  ; 

He  had  scarce  a  whole  crown  in  his  hat, 
And  not  half  a  crown  in  his  purse. 

And  thus  as  he  wandered  along, 
A  cheerless  and  comfortless  elf, 

He  sought  for  relief  in  a  song. 

Or  complaiiiingly  talked  to  himself : — 


"Unfortunate  man  that  I  am! 

I've  never  a  client  but  grief  : 
The  case  is,  I've  no  case  at  all. 

And  in  brief,  I've  ne'er  had  a  brief ! 

*'  I've  waited  and  waited  in  vain. 
Expecting  an  '  opening'  to  find, 


156  The  Briefless  Barrister. 

Where  an  honest  young  lawyer  might  gain 
Some  reward  for  toil  of  his  mind. 

'•  'Tis  not  that  I'm  wanting  in  law, 

Or  lack  an  intelligent  face, 
That  others  have  cases  to  plead, 

While  I  have  to  plead  for  a  case. 

"O,  how  can  a  modest  young  man 

E'er  hope  for  the  smallest  progression — 

The  profession's  already  so  full 
Of  lawyers  so  full  of  profession  !  " 

While  thus  he  was  strolling  around, 

His  eye  accidentally  fell 
On  a  very  deep  hole  in  the  ground, 

And  he  sighed  to  himself,  "It  is  well !  " 

To  curb  his  emotions,  he  sat 

On  the  curbstone  the  space  of  a  minute, 
Then  cried,  "  Here's  an  opening  at  last !  " 

And  in  less  than  a  jiffy  was  in  it ! 

Next  morninoc  twelve  citizens  came 
('Twas  the  coroner  bade  them  attend), 

To  the  end  that  it  mi2jht  be  determined 
How  the  man  had  determined  his  end ! 


The  JBriefless  JBarrister.  157 

'"  The  man  was  a  lawyer,  I  hear," 

Quoth  the  foreman  who  sat  on  the  corse. 

"A  lawyer?     Alas ! "  said  another, 
"  Undoubtedly  died  of  remorse  !  " 

A  third  said,  "  He  knew  the  deceased, 
An  attorney  well  versed  in  the  laws, 

And  as  to  the  cause  of  his  death, 

'Twas  no  doubt  for  the  want  of  a  cause.'* 

The  jury  decided  at  length, 

After  solemnly  weighing  the  matter. 
That  the  lawyer  was  drownc^ed,  because 

He  could  not  keep  his  head  above  water. 

li 


158  El^QV  i"-  t^^^   Temple   Gardens. 


ELEGY  WRITTEN  IN  THE   TEMPLE 

GARDENS. 

The  gard'ner  rings  the  bell  at  close  of  day, 
The  motley  crowd  wind  slowly  home  to  tea ; 

Soft  on  the  Thames  the  daylight  fades  away, 
And  leaves  the  w^alks  to  darkness  and  to  me. 

Now  shine  the  glimmering  gas-lami3s  on  the  sight, 
The  wardens  now  the  outer  portals  lock, 

And  deepest  stillness  marks  th'  approach  of  night. 
Save  when  the  watchman  calls,  "Past  ten  o'clock." 

Save,  also,  when  from  yonder  antique  tower,^ 
With  solemn  sound  the  bell  strikes  on  the  ear, 

And  wand'ring  damsels,  as  they  hear  the  hour, 
Trip  through  the  gloomy  courts  with  haste  and 
fear. 

In  those  high  rooms  where  clients  ne'er  intrude, 
And  here  and  there  a  light  doth  dimly  peep. 

Each  in  his  lonely  set  of  chambers  mewed. 
The  briefless  crowd  their  nightly  vigils  keep. 

The  grave  attorney,  knocking  frequently, 
The  tittering  clerk  who  hastens  to  the  door. 


Elegy  in  the  Temple   Gardens.  159 

The  bulky  brief,  and  corresponding  fee, 
Are  things  unknown  to  all  that  lofty  floor. 

Small  comfort  theirs,  when  each  dull  day  is  o'er, 
N"o  gentle  wife  their  joys  and  griefs  to  share, 

Xo  quiet  homeward  walk  at  half-past  four 
To  some  snug  tenement  near  Russell  Square. 

Oft  have  they  read  each  prosing  term  report, 
Dull  treatises,  and  statutes  not  a  few  ; 

How  many  a  vacant  day  they've  passed  in  court ! 
How  manv  a  barren  circuit  travell'dthroucrh! 

Yet  let  not  judges  mock  their  useless  toil, 
And  joke  at  sapient  faces  no  one  knows; 

Nor  ask,  with  careless  and  contemptuous  smile, 
If  no  one  moves  in  all  the  long  back  rowSc 

Vain  is  the  coif,  the  ermiu'd  robe,  the  strife 
Of  courts,  and  vain  is  all  success  e'er  gave ; 

Say,  can  the  judge,  whose  word  gives  deatli  or  life, 
Reprieve  himself  VfYi^n  summoned  to  the  grave? 

Nor  you,  ye  leaders,  view  them  with  ill  will. 
If  no  one  sees  their  speeches  in  The  Times, 

Where  long-drawn  columns  oft  proclaim  your  skill 
To  blacken  innocence  and  palliate  crimes. 


IGO  ^^^QV  i^^  ihe   Temple   Gardens. 

Cftn  legal  lore  or  animated  speech 

Avert  that  sentence  which  awaits  on  all  ? 

Can  nisi prius  craft  and  snares  o'erreach 

That  Judge,  whose  look  the  boldest  must  appall  ? 

Perhaps  in  those  neglected  rooms  abound 
Men  deeply  versed  in  all  the  quirks  of  laws, 

Who  could,  with  cases,  right  and  wrong  confound, 
And  common  sense  upset  by  splitting  straws. 

But  ah !  to  them  no  clerk  his  golden  page, 
liich  with  retaining  fees,  did  e'er  unroll ; 

Chill  negligence  repressed  their  legal  rage. 
And  froze  the  quibbling  current  of  the  soul. 

Full  many  a  barrister  who  well  could  plead. 
Those  dark  and  unfrequented  chambers  bear ; 

Full  many  a  pleader  born  to  draw  unfee'd. 
And  waste  his  counts  upon  the  desert  air. 

Some  F-ll-tt,  whom  no  client  e'er  would  trust, 
Some  W-lde,  who  gain'd  no  verdict  in  his  life; 

In  den  obscure,  some  D-nm-n  there  may  rust. 
Some  C — pb — II,  with  no  peeress  for  his  wife. 

The  wits  of  wondering  juries  to  beguile, 
The  wrongs  of  injured  clients  to  redress, 


JElegy  in  the   Temple   Gardens.  ICl 

To  gain  or  lose  their  verdict  with  a  smile, 
And  read  their  speeches  in  the  daily  press, 

Their  lot  forbade. — Xor  was  it  theirs,  d'ye  see, 
The  wretched  in  the  toils  of  law  to  lure  ; 

To  prostitute  their  conscience  for  a  fee. 
And  shut  the  gates  of  justice  on  the  poor. 

To  try  mean  tricks  to  win  a  j^altry  cause. 

With  threadbare  jests  to  catch  the  laugh  of  fools; 

Or  j^uff  in  court,  before  all  human  laws, 
The  lofty  wisdom  of  the  last  iSTew  Rules. 

Not  one  rule  oiisi^  even  "  to  compute," 

Their  gentle  voices  e'er  were  heard  to  pray  ; 

Calm  and  sequestered,  motionless  and  mute. 
In  the  remote  back  seats  they  passed  each  day. 

Yet  e'en  their  names  are  sometimes  seen  in  print, 
For  frail  memorials  on  the  outer  doors 

Disclose,  in  letters  large  and  dingy  tint, 
The  unknown  tenants  of  the  upper  floors. 

Door-i30sts  supply  the  place  of  Term  Re2:)orts, 
And  splendid  plates  around  the  painter  sticks, 

To  show  that  he,  who  never  moved  the  courts, 
Has  moved  from  number  two  to  number  six. 


162  ET-^Oy  **^i  ^^6  Temple   Gardens. 

For  who,  to  cold  neglect  a  luckless  prey, 
nis  unfrequented  attic  e'er  resigned, 

E'er  moved  with  better  hoj^es  across  the  way, 
And  did  not  leave  a  spruce  tin  plate  behind  ? 

Strong  is  the  love  of  fame  in  noble  minds; 

And  he  whose  bold  asj^irings  fate  doth  crush 
Receives  some  consolation  when  he  finds 

His  name  recorded  by  the  painter's  brush. 

For  thee,  who,  mindful  of  each  briefless  wight, 
Dost  in  these  motley  rhymes  their  tale  relate, 

If,  musing  in  his  lonely  attic  flight. 

Some  youthful  student  should  inquire  thy  fate, 

Ilaply  some  usher  of  the  court  may  say, — 

"At  morn  I've  mark'd  him  oft,  'twixt  nine  and 
ten. 

Striding  with  hasty  step  the  strand  away ; 
At  four  o'clock  to  saunter  back  again. 

"  There  in  the  Bail  Court,  w^here  yon  quaint  old 
judge 

Doth  twist  his  nose  and  wreath  his  wig  awry, — 
Listless  for  hours  he'd  sit  and  never  budge. 

And  j)ore  upon  a  book — the  Lord  knows  why. 


Elegy  in  the  Temple   Gardens.  163 

*'  Oft  would  he  bid  me  fetch  him  some  report, 
And  turn  from  case  to  case,  with  look  forlorn ; 

Then  bustling  would  he  run  from  court  to  court, 
As  if  some  rule  of  Ms  were  coming  on. 

"  One  morn  I  missed  that  figure  lean  and  lank, 
And  that  pale  face,  so  often  marked  by  me ; 

Another  came — nor  yet  was  he  in  Banc, 

ISTor  th'  Exchequer,  nor  at  the  Pleas  was  he. 

"  The  next  day,  as  at  morn  I  chanced  to  see 
Death's  peremptory  j^aper  in  The  Times, 

I  read  his  name,  which  there  stood  number  three, 
And  there  I  also  read  these  doleful  rhymes: 

"  EPITAPH. 

'■  Here  rests  a  youth  lamented  but  by  few, 
A  barrister  to  fame  and  courts  unknown  ; 

Brief  was  his  life — yet  was  it  briefless  too. 
For  no  attorney  marked  him  for  his  own. 

"  Deep  and  correct  his  knowledge  of  the  laws, 
No  judge  a  rule  of  his  could  e'er  refuse ; 

He  never  lost  a  client  or  a  cause. 

Because,  forsooth,  he  ne'er  had  one  to  lose. 


164  El^gy  in  the  Temple  Gardens. 

"E'en  as  he  lived  unknown,  unknown  he  dies; 

Calm  be  his  rest,  from  hopeless  struggle  free, 
Till  that  dread  Court,  from  which  no  error  lies. 

Shall  final  judgment  j^ass  on  him  and  thee." 


The  Brief.  165 


THE  BRIEF. 

As  in  my  chambers,  all  alone, 

At  silent  eve  I  sat, 
Indulging  a  despairing  groan, 

I  heard  a  rat-tat-tat; 
I  started  up — I  wiped  my  eye; 

I  would  not  show  my  grief. 
What  do  I  see — what  do  I  spy  ?- 

A  client  with  a  brief. 

I  seize  it  in  my  eager  hand ; 

He  bids  me  look  within. 
That  I  may  shortly  understand, 

The  cause  I  fain  would  win. 
I  did  so — ^how  my  lips  I  bit. 

With  rage,  despair,  and  grief  !- 
There  was  a  copy  of  a  writ 

Folded  inside  the  brief. 


IGG  The  First  Client, 


THE   FIRST   CLIENT. 

John  Smith,  a  young  attorney,  just  admitted  to  the 

bar, 
Was  solemn  and  sagacious  as — as  young  attorneys 

are ; 
And  a  frown  of  deep  abstraction  held  the  seizin  of 

his  face, 
The  result  of  contemplation  of  the  rule  in  Shelley's 

Case. 


One  day  in  term  time  Mr.  Smith  was  sitting  in  the 

court, 
When  some  good  men  and  true  of  the  body  of  the 

county  did  on  their  oath  report. 
That  heretofore,  to  wit,  upon  the  second    day  of 

May, 
A.  D.  1877,  about  the  hour  of  noon,  in  the  county 

and  State  aforesaid,  one  Joseph  Scroggs,  late 

of  said  county,  did  then  and  there  feloniously 

take,  steal,  and  carry  away 

One  bay  horse  of  the  value  of  fifty  dollars,  more  or 
less 


The  First  Client.  1G7 

(The  same  then  and  there  being  of  the  property, 

goods,  and  chattels  of  one  Hezekiah  Hess), 
Contrary  to   the   statute   in   such   case    expressly 

made 
And  provided ;  and  against  the  peace  and  dignity 

of  the  State  wherein  the  venue  had  been 

laid. 

The  prisoner,  Joseph  Scroggs,  was  then  arraigned 
upon  this  charge. 

And  plead  not  guilty,  and  of  this  he  threw  himself 
ujDon  the  country  at  large ; 

And,  said  Joseph  being  poor,  the  Court  did  gra- 
ciously appoint 

Mr.  Smith  to  defend  him— much  on  the  same  prin- 
ciple that  obtains  in  every  charity  hospital 
where  a  young  medical  student  is  often  set 
to  rectify  a  serious  injury  to  an  organ  or  a 
joint. 

The  witnesses  seemed  prejudiced  against  poor  Mr. 

Scroggs ; 
And  the  District  Attorney  made  a  thrilling  speech, 

in  which  he  told  the  jury  that  if  they  didn't 

find  for  the  State  he  reckoned  he'd  have  to 

"  walk  their  lojirs." 


1G8  The  First  Client. 

Then  Mr.  Smith  arose  and  made  his  speech  for  the 
defense, 

Wherein  he  quoted  Shakespeare,  Blackstone,  Chitty, 
Archbold,  Joaquin  Miller,  Story,  Kent,  Tup- 
per,  Smedes  and  Marshall,  and  many  other 
writers ;  and  everybody  said  they  "  never 
heered  sich  a  bust  of  eloquence." 

And  he  said :     "  On  this  hypothesis,  ray  client  must 

go  free  " ; 
And :      *'  Again,  on   this    hypothesis,   it's   morally 

impossible  that  he  could  be  guilty,  don't  you 

see?" 
Again:      "Then,  on    this  hypothesis,    you   really 

can't  convict " ; 
And  so  on,  with  forty-six  more  hypotheses,  upon 

none  of  which,  Mr.  Smith  ably  demonstrated 

could  Scroggs  be  derelict. 

But  the  jury,  never  stirring  from-  the  box  wherein 
tliey  sat, 

Returned  a  verdict  of  "  guilty "  ;  and  his  Honor 
straightway  sentenced  Scroggs  to  a  three- 
year  term  in  the  penitentiary,  and  a  heavy 
fine,  and  the  costs  on  top  of  that ; 


The  First  Client.  169 

And  the  jDrisoner,  in  wild  delight,  got  up  and  danced 
and  sung, 

And  when  they  asked  him  the  reason  of  this  strange 
behavior,  he  said :  "  It's  because  I  got  off 
so  easy ;  for,  if  there'd  ha'  been  a  few  more 
of  them  darned  hypothesises^  I  should  cer- 
tainly have  been  hung.'' 

15 


170    Monody  on  the  Death  of  an   Only   Client, 


MONODY  ON  THE  DEATH  OP  AN  ONLY 

CLIENT. 

0  TAKE  away  my  wig  and  gown, 
Their  sight  is  mockery  now  to  me : 

1  pace  my  chambers  up  and  down, 
Reiterating,  "  Where  is  Ae?" 

Alas !  wild  echo,  with  a  moan, 
Murmurs  above  my  feeble  head  ; 

In  the  wide  world  I  am  alone ; 
Ha,  ha !  my  only  client's  dead ! 

In  vain  the  robing-roora  I  seek. 
The  very  waiters  scarcely  bow  ; 

Their  looks  contemptuously  speak, 
"  He's  lost  his  only  client  now." 

E'en  the  mild  usher,  who  of  yore 
Would  hasten  when  his  name  I  said 

To  hand  in  motions,  comes  no  more ; 
He  knows  my  only  client's  dead. 

Ne'er  shall  I,  rising  up  in  court, 

OjDen  the  pleadings  of  a  suit ; 
Ne'er  shall  the  judges  cut  me  short, 

While  moving  them  for  a  compute. 


Monody  on  the  Death  ofaii   Only  Client.      171 

!N"o  more  with  a  consentinor  brief 
Shall  I  politely  bow  my  head  ; 

Where  shall  I  run  to  hide  my  grief? 
Alas !  my  only  client's  dead. 

Imagination's  magic  power 

Brings  back,  as  clear  as  clear  can  be, 

The  spot,  the  day,  the  very  hour 
When  first  I  signed  my  maiden  plea. 

In  the  exchequer's  hindmost  row 

I  sat,  and  some  one  touched  my  head, 

He  tendered  ten-and-six,  but  oh ! 
That  only  client  now  is  dead. 

In  vain  I  try  to  sing — I'm  hoarse ; 

In  vain  I  try  to  play  the  flute ; 
A  phantom  seems  to  flit  across — 

It  is  the  ghost  of  a  compute. 

I  try  to  read,  but  all  in  vain ; 

My  chamber  listlessly  I  tread ; 
Be  still,  my  heart ;  throb  less,  my  brain  ; 

Ho,  ho  !  my  only  client's  dead. 

I  think  I  hear  a  double  knock ; 
I  did — alas !  it  is  a  dun. 


172   Monody  on  the  Death  of  an   Only   Client. 

Tailor,  avaunt!  my  sense  you  shock; 
He's  dead !  you  know  I  had  but  one. 

What's  this  they  thrust  into  my  hand  ? 

A  bill  returned !  ten  pounds  for  bread ! 
My  butcher's  got  a  large  demand  ; 

I'm  mad !  my  only  client's  dead. 


A  Successful  Career.  173 


A   SUCCESSFUL   CAREER. 

"When  a  dozen  years  are  over 
Since  the  ship  j^ut  out  to  sea, 

Perhaps  you  may  discover 
That  you  are  an  A.  D. 

When  eight  more  years  are  over, 
And  things  have  got  humdrum, 

Perhaj^s  you  may  discover 
That  a  Sheriff  you've  become. 

When  ten  more  years  are  over. 
And  your  faculties  need  a  nudge, 

Perhaps  you  may  discover 

That  you've  been  made  a  Judge. 

And  when  you  come  to  seventy, 
And  snow-white  is  your  head, 

Perhaps  you  may  discover 
Of  a  sudden  that  you're  dead. 

And  when  a  month  is  over. 

Since  you  met  the  common  lot, 

Were  you  living,  you'd  discover 
That  you  are  quite  forgot. 


174  The  Yision  and  the  Reality. 


THE  VISION  AND   THE   EEALITY. 

THE    YISION. 

I'd  be  a  lawyer  gifted  with  power, 

Clients  to  draw  to  my  little  retreat; 
I'd  jDore  over  Blackstone  for  many  an  hour, 

With  pleas  and  rejoinders  fill  many  a  sheet; 
I'd  win  every  cause,  and  would  eloquence  showier, 

Convince  judge  and  jury  with  arguments  meet; 
I'd  be  a  lawyer  gifted  with  power, 

Clients  to  draw  to  mv  little  retreat. 

I  ne'er  would  be  drawn  from  this  science  away 

By  the  pleadings  of  friendship  or  the  soft  smile 
of  love ; 
I  would  study  and  think  for  my  clients  all  day, 

And  all  the  delights  of  fidelity  prove. 
To  fame  I  would  climb,  and  would  toil  the  steep 
way, 

Nor  shrink  from  the  labor  if  honor  aj^prove. 
I'd  be  a  lawyer,  I'd  be  a  lawyer, 

Nor  shrink  from  the  labor  if  honor  approve. 

Then  say  what  can  equal  the  advocate's  joy 

The  opi^ressor  to  thwart,  the  oppressed  to  defend? 


The  'Vision  and  the  Medllty.  J  75 

The  triumphs  of  justice  have  little  alloy, 

Fame,  honor  attending,  and  wealth  in  the  end. 

A  name  for  my  country,  (how  pure  is  the  joy  !) 
Untarnished   and   bright,  such   a  course   would 
attend. 

I'd  be  a  lawyer,  I'd  be  a  lawyer, 

The  oppressor  to  thwart,  the  oppressed  to  defend. 

THE    REALITY. 

O,  I  am  a  lawyer,  and  live  in  a  den 

Called  an  office — a  snug  and  a  quiet  retreat — 
It  is  sixteen  feet  one  way,  the  other  but  ten, 

And  the  temperature's  not  far  above  "fever-heat." 
I  watch  there  for  clients,  but  that's  all  a  hum. 
Like  sprites  from  the  "  vasty  deep  "  called — they 
don't  come. 

I  have  pen,  paper,  ink,  and  blank  writs  a  good 

store. 
Three  chairs,  and  a  table,  a  day-book,  and  docket; 

Get  five  writs  a  term,  a  defense  or  two  more, 

Am  2)lus  in  my  idleness,  rni?ius  in  pocket ; 

To  persuade  court  and  jury  I  argue  all  day. 

And  convince  them  it's  right  to  decide  t'other  way. 

So  much  for  the  profit  and  pleasure.     And  now, 
The  account  as  to  honor  pray  let  us  be  casting ; 


176  The   Vision  and  the   Heality. 

That  there's  fame  to  be  had,  I  most  freely  allow : 
People   "damn"  the  j^rofession  "to  fame  ever- 
lasting"; 
Tliey'll  tell  you  a  lawyer  but  seeks  for  the  pelf, 
And  for  that  will  out-Herod  the  D 1  himself. 


A  Whimsical  Attorney's  Bill,  177 


A  WHIMSICAL  ATTORNEY'S  BILL. 

A  BILL  OF  CHAEGES,  JUSTLY  DUE, 
FKOM  A.  B.  C.  TO  S.  T.  U. 

£     s.     d. 
Attending  for  instructions,  when 

Your  honor  bade  me  call  again,  0     6     8 

The  like  attendance,  time  the  second. 

Which  as  before  is  fairly  reckoned,  0     6     8 

Taking  instructions  given  to  me 

For  drawing  up  your  pedigree,  0     6     8 

Perusing  said  instructions  to 

Consider  whether  right  or  no,  0     0     8 

You  form  the  scale  in  just  perfection^ 

I  therefore  only  charge  insjDection,  0     G     8 

Drawing  up  pedigree  complete, 

Fail'  coj^y  (closely  wrote),  one  sheet,  0     G     8 

Attending  to  examine  same, 

And  adding  Tom  to  William  Nairn, 

Addendum  of  Sir  Darcy's  birth. 

Paid  Porter's  coach  hire,  and  so  forth. 

Fair  copy  of  this  bill  of  cost, 

Another,  for  the  first  was  lost, 

Advice,  time,  trouble,  and  my  care 

lu  settling  this  perplexed  affair,  110 


0 

G 

8 

0 

6 

8 

0 

5 

6 

0 

2 

0 

0 

2 

0 

178  A  Whimsical  Attorney'' s  Bill. 

Writing  receipt  at  foot  of  bill,  0     3     4 

My  clerk — but  give  him  what  you  will,        0     0     0 


4     7     2 
Eeceived  of  A.  B.  C.  aforesaid 

The  full  contents:  what  can  be  more  said? 

S.  T.  U. 


i 


The  Bachelor's  Dream.  179 


THE   BACHELOR'S  DREAM. 

A'  NiCHT  I'm  haunted  by  a  shajDe, 
In  weeds  o'  dool  and  bran-new  crape, 
A  fillet  reid  o'  office -tape, 

Medusan  locks  in  'mid  o' ; 
I  ken  her  weel,  although  she  haud 
Her  ill-faure'd  face  intil  her  maud. 
It's  that — it's  that  contingent  jaud, 
My  widow. 

Ilk  towraont  in  the  month  o'  June, 
I  get  Hall-marked  like  ony  spune, 
And  five  gude  punds,  a  croon  abune, 

I  bude  to  mak'  me  rid  o', 
That's  a'  for  her ;  sae  though  I  crane 
Roond  by  her  haffits  a'  in  vain, 
It's  her,  or  I  am  sair  mista'en, 
My  widow. 

"  I'm  tell't,"  wi'  gruesome  tane  quo'  she, 
"Twa  coontin  chiels  a  Committee, 
And  aiblins  mair  wi'    thocht  o'  me, 
Are  unco  mystified,  O 


180  The  J^achelor's  Dream, 

Lat  them  collogue,  be't  Avrang  or  riclit, 
But  mill  my  Jo,  I  rede  ye  ticht 
Ye'll  rue  the  day  ye  daured  to  slicht 
Your  widow." 

Says  ane,  "  I  f egs  I'll  pay  nae  mair, 

The  pickle  gowd  I  ill  can  spare. 

For  hags  that  leeve  far  yont  their  share, 

Like  them  bafore  the  Flude,  O, 
Gudcraan  the  chiel  his  wits  has  tint. 
I  daur  ye  to  sae  much  as  mint, 
For  twa  three  motion-fees,  to  stint 
.  Your  widow." 

Anither  says :  "  The  bits  o'  weans, 
N'o  auld  eneuch  to  fend  their  lanes, 
They  maun  ha'e  duds  to  cuire  their  banes, 

And  warm  their  orphan  blude,  O. 
Xa,  na,  let  Heriot's  deed  the  brats, 
And  stairve  or  kill  them  wi'  the  bats. 
There's  ane  comes  ^^n'mo  loco  tliat's — 
Your  widow." 

"  I'll  marry  ye  to  please  mysell, 
I'll  gie  ye  some  sma  taste  o' , 


And  syne  I'll  kist  ye  in  your  shell. 
And  blithely  steek  the  lid,  O. 


The  Bachelor* 8  Dream.  181 

Than  gin  ye  le'e  me  bune  the  grund, 
Wi'  nocht  o'  tocher  but  the  Fund, 
Wha'll  pree  wi'  sax  and  saxty  pund, 
Your  widow  ?  " 

Sae  ilka  nicht  she'll  crack  and  glowre, 
Frae  midnicht  to  the  chap  o'  foure, 
I  sweat  and  swarf,  and  ower  and  ower 

I  wuss  her  at  Megiddo. 
I'm  dw^inin'  fast,  I'm  well  nigli  spent, 
I'll  vote  to  raise  the  annual  rent, 
I'll  vote  lor  aucht  that  will  content. 
My  widow. 


10 


182  J/y  Wkhw. 


MY  AYIDOW. 

A  BACHELOR  boi'ii  (a  common  fate), 
And  doomed  to  die  a  celibate, 
Still  I  must  pay  thine  annual  rate. 

My  widow ! 

I'm  trapped !     A  wife  you  may  divorce. 
Get  rid  of  her  by  fraud  or  force ; 
With  thee  there's  no  such  blest  resource, 

My  widow ! 

No  wife  in  this  drear  world  have  I; 
And  in  the  other,  when  I  die, 
Thy  sweet  face  will  not  greet  my  eye, 

My  widow! 

Mateless  in  both  worlds  thus  I  am ; 
Yet  I  7nust  pay,  O  shameful  sham  ! 
No  wonder  that  I  often  damn 

My  widow! 

Doubly  bereft,  'tis  I  should  be 
Put  on  the  Fund  ;  and  yet  on.  thee 
Devolves  the  snug  annuity, 

My  widow ! 


My  Widow.  188 

Full  many  a  maid  have  I  embraced ; 
But  never  did  I  clasp  thy  waist, 
Nor  nectar  of  thy  lijis  did  taste, 

My  widow  ! 

What  art  thou  like  ?     Art  dark  or  fair? 
With  carroty  or  raven  hair? 
Of  common  or  distingue  air  ? 

My  widow ! 

''  With  meek  and  unaffecte>]  grace,'' 
Dost  thou  put  on  a  pious  face  ? 
Dost  girn  or  giggle  or  grimace  ? 

My  widow ! 

"  You  pay  your  mono}',  take  your  choice," 
In  all  things  else ;  but  I've  no  voice 
In  that  Vv'hich  does  they  heart  rejoice, 

My  widow! 

Ah  !  never  shall  I  call  thee  wife ; 
Ne'er  see  thy  lineaments  in  life  ; 
Never  enjoy  connubial  strife. 

My  widow ! 

From  death's  dim  realm  a  ghostly  hand 
I'll  stretch  to  thee  and  all  the  band 
Of  shadowy  babes  that  round  thee  stand. 

My  widow  I 


184  Mij  Widow. 

We  ne'er  shall  see  (at  which  I'm  grieved) 
Our  family,  all  unachieved ; 
Conceivable,  but  unconceived, 

My  widow  I 


Monhoddo  1S5 


MONBODDO. 

The  thouGjlit  that  men  bad  once  had  tails 

Caused  many  a  grin  full  broad,  O ; 
And  why  in  us  that  feature  fails, 

Was  asked  of  old  Monboddo. 
He  showed  that  sitting  on  the  rump, 

While  at  our  work  we  plod,  O, 
Would  wear  the  appendage  to  the  stump, 

As  close  as  in  Monboddo. 

Alas  !  the  good  lord  little  knew, 

As  this  strange  ground  he  trod,  O, 
That  others  would  his  path  pursue, 

And  never  name  Monboddo ! 
Such  folks  should  have  their  tails  restored, 

And  thereon  feel  the  rod,  O, 
For  having  thus  the  fame  ignored 

That's  due  to  old  Monboddo. 

Though  Darwin  now  proclaim  the  law, 

And  spread  it  far  abroad,  O, 
The  man  that  first  the  secret  saw, 

Was  honest  old  Monboddo. 


]8fi  The  Process  of  Wakening. 


THE   PROCESS   OF   WAKENING. 

Air—"  Peggie  is  over  ye  Sie  wi'  y=  Souhlier." — Skene  MS. 

Jenny  !  puir  Jenny  !  the  fl  >w'r  o'  the  le.^ — 

Th-'  blithesome,  the  whisome,  the  gentle  an'  free- 

The  joy  and  the  pride 

0'  the  kintra  side — 
She  dee'd  of  a  process  o'  wakening. 


ThouG:h  lier  skin  was  sae  smooth  an'  her  fini^ers  sae 

sma', 
She    won    through    the    whoopin'-cough,  measles, 
an'  a' — 
She  never  took  ill 
Frae  fever  or  chill — 
Yet  she  dee'd  of  a  process  o'  wakening. 


The  case  fell  asleep  when  her  grandfather  dee'd ; 
And  few  folk  remembered  it  e'er  had  been  plea'd. 

She  never  heard  tell 

O'  the  matter  hersel', 
Till  they  sent  her  the  summons  o'  wakening. 

Jenny  !  jmir  Jenny  ! — though  courted  by  a'. 
Only  ane  touched  her  lioart — an'  he  bore  it  awa. 


The  Process  of  Wdkeniiig,  ]87 

It  had  just  been  arranged 
That  her  state  should  be  changed, 
When  they  sent  her  the  summons  o'  wakening. 

She  liad  phghted  her  troth  ;  they  had  fixed  on  the 

day ; 
A'  arrangements  completed — nae  chance  o'  delay  ; 

She  was  thinkin'  on  this, 

And  entranced  wi'  bliss, 
When  they  sent  her  the  summons  o'  wakening. 

Her   friends  were   sae   kindlv,  her    true-love    sae 

prized ; 
Surrounded  by  tliem,  an'  by  him  idolized ; 

She  had  just  j^assed  the  night 

In  a  dream  o'  delight, 
When  they  sent  her  the  summons  o'  wakening. 

She  fee'd  the  best  counsel — what  could  she  do  mair? 
She  read  through  the  j^apers  wi'  sorrow  an'  care, 

But  could  only  mak  out. 

That  beyond  ony  doubt, 
'Twas  a  wearifu'  process  o'  wakening. 

An'  her  friends  that  she  thought  wad  be  constant 

for  aye, 
Of  course  they  grew  scarce,  an'  kept  out  o'  her  way ; 


188  The  Process  of  Wakening. 

For  naebody  ken'cl 
How  the  matter  wad  end, 
When  they  heard  o'  the  process  o'  wakening. 

An'  her  true-love,  for  whom  she  wad  gladly  gien  a', 
Slid  cauld  frae  her  grasp,  like  a  bullet  o'  snaw  ;  — 

Sae  she  gied  up  the  case, 

An'  gied  up  the  ghaist. 
An'  dee'd  o'  a  process  o'  wakening. 


Soumiii  and  Roumin.  189 


SOIBIIN  AND  ROUMIN. 

"Where  divers  heritors  have  a  common  pasturage  in  one 
commonv.y,  no  part  whereof  is  ever  plowed,  the  said  com- 
mon pasturage  maybe  so?rme(i and  roumed,  that  all  the  souins 
the  wliole  commonty  can  hold  may  be  determined  and  pro- 
portioned to  each  roam  having  the  common  pasturage,  ac_ 
cording  to  the  holding  of  that  roum.'' — Case  of  the  Laird  of 
Drumalzier,  Stair  s  Decisions,  ii.  G78. 

Air — "Hooly  and  Fairly." 

My  Grannie! — she  was  a  worthy  auld  woman  ; 
She  keepit  three  geese  an'  a  cow  on  a  coraraon. 
Pnir  body! — she  sune  made  her  fii'  purse  a  toom  ane, 
By  raism'  a  process  o'  Soumin  and  Rouinin. 

Soumin  and  Roumin — 
By  raising  a  process  o' 

Sonmin  and  Roumin. 

A  yomig  writer  lad  j^ut  it  into  her  head ; 
He  gi'ed  himser  out  for  a  dab  at  the  trade — 
For  guidin'  a  plea  or  a  j^roof  quite  uncommon, 
xind  a  terrible  fellow  at  Soumin  and  Roumin. 

Soumin  and  Roumin,  etc. 

Tie  took  her  three  geese  to  get  it  begun, 
And  he  needit  her  cow  to  carry  it  on. 


190  Soumhi  and  Roumin. 

Syne  she  gi'ed  liiin  her  band  for  the  cost  that  was 

comin'', 
And  on  went  the  jirocess  o'  Soumin  and  Roumin. 

Soumin  and  Roumin,  etc. 

My  Grannie  she  grieved,  and  my  grannie  she  graned 
As  she  paid  awa  ilk  honest  groat  she  had  hained ; 
She  sat  in  her  elbow-chair,  L^low'rin'  and  gloomin', 
Speakin'  o'  naething  but  Soumin  and  Roumin. 

Soumin  and  Roumin,  etc. 

She  caredna  for  meat,  and  she  caredna  for  drink  ; 
By  night  or  by  day  she  coukl  ne'er  sleep  a  wink. 
"  O  Lord,  pity  me,  for  a  wicked  auld  woman ! 
It's  a  sair  dispensation,  tliis  Soumin   and  Roumin." 

Soumin  and  Roumin,  etc. 

In  vain  did  the  writer  lad  promise  success — 
Speak  of  Interim  Decrees  and  final  redress ; 
In  vain  did  he  tell  her  that  judgment  was  comin' — 
"It's  a  judgment  already,  this  Soumin  and  Roumin !" 

Soumin  and  Roumin,  etc. 

The  doctor  was  sent  for — but  what  could  he  say  ? 

He  allowed  the  complaint  to  be  out  o'  his  way ; 

The  priest  spak'  o'  Job — said  to  suffer  was  human  ; 

But  she  said,  "Job  kent  naething  o'  Soumin   and 

Roumin." 

Soumin  and  Roumin,  etc. 


Soumin  and  Houmin,  ^^^ 

The  priest  tried  to  pray,  and  the  priest  tried  to  read, 

But  she  wadna  attend  to  ae  word  that  he  said ; 

She  made  a  bad  end  for  sae  cjaid  an  auld  woman — 

Her  death-rattle  sounded  like"Soumin  and  Rou- 

miu.'' 

Soumiu  and  Eoumin,  etc. 

I'm  executor — heir-male — o'  line — an'  j^ro vision — 
An'  the  writer  lad  says  that  he'll  manage  the  seisin ; 
But  of  a'  the  estate,  there's  naething  forthcomiu', 
But  a  guid-gangin'  process  o'  Soumin  and  Roumin. 

Soumin  and  Roumin,  etc. 


192  Ballads  of  the  Briefless, 


BALLADS   OF   THE   BRIEFLESS. 

THE  RULE  TO  COMPUTE. 

O,  TELL  me  not  of  empires  grand, 

Of  proud  dominion  wide  and  far, 
Of  those  who  sway  the  fertile  hind 

Where  melons  three  for  twopence  are. 
To  rule  like  this  I  ne'er  aspire ; 

Li  fact,  my  book  it  would  not  suit ! 
The  only  rule  that  I  desire, 

Is  a  Tide  nisi  to  compute. 

O,  s}3eak  not  of  the  calm  delights, 

That  in  the  fields  or  lanes  we  Avin; 
The  field  and  lane  that  me  invites 

Is  Chancery  or  Lincoln's  Inn. 
Yes,  there  in  some  remote  recess 

At  eve,  I  practice  on  my  flute, 
Till  some  attorney  comes  to  bless 

With  a  ride  nisi  to  compute. 

SIGNING  A  PLEA. 

O,  now  oft  when  alone  at  the  close  of  the  day 
I've  sat  in  that  Court  where  the  fig-tree  don't  gi*ow, 


Ballads  of  the  Briefless.  193 

And  wonder'd  how  I,  without  money,  should  pay 
The  little  account  to  my  laundress  below  ! 

And  when  I  liave  heard  a  quick  step  on  the  stair, 
I've  thought  which  of  twenty  rich  duns  it  could 
be, 

I  have  rushed  to  the  door  in  a  fit  of  despair, 

And — received  ten  and  sixpence  for  signing  a  plea. 

Chorus. — Signing  a  plea,  signing  a  plea ! 

Received  ten  and  sixpence  for  signing  a 
plea. 

They  may  talk  as  they  will  of  the  pleasure  that's 
found, 

When  venting  in  verse  our  despondence  and  grief ; 
But  the  pen  of  the  poet  was  ne'er,  I'll  be  bound, 

Half  so  pleasantly  used  as  in  signing  a  brief. 
In  soft  declarations,  though  rapture  may  lie. 

If  the  maid  to  appear  to  your  suit  willing  be. 
But  ah!  I  could  write  till  my  inkstand  was  dry, 

And  die  in  the  act — yes — of  signing  a  plea. 

Chorus. — Signing  a  plea,  signing  a  plea ! 

Die  in  the  act — yes — of  signing  a  plea. 

17 


194  A  3Iisjoincler. 


A  MISJOTXDER. 

O  THAT  some  genius  would  write  a  report 

Of  the  things  that  are  done  in  this  dignified  Court, 

Where  pigs,  men,  and  horses,  and  other  lean  cattle 

With  their  lawyers  all  drawn  up  in  order  of  battle. 

Are  gathered  together  in  great  agitation, 

To  end  their  contention  in  fierce  litigation ! 

First,  cometh  Judge  Robbins,  in  debt  and  in  trover 

A  misjoinder  in  pleading  too  bad  to  pass  over; 

But,  after  demurring  and  wrangling  like  fury, 

The  Court  took  the  pleadings — the  counsel  a  jury. 

The  witnesses  came,  and  proved  that  one  Hanks 

Had  lately  been  guilty  of  barbarous  pranks, 

In  this,  that  without  conscience  or  twinge  of  remorse, 

He  took  uj)  a  gentleman's  city-bred  horse, 

And  put  him  to  plowing  like  any  old  hack; 

He  "  cussed  "  him,  he  flogged  him,  made  sores  on  his 

back ; 
He  starved  him  so  badly,  "  inverted  the  blessings," 
And  gave  the  old  horse  such  a  number  of  dressings, 
That  when  Mr.  Taylor,  the  lawyer,  had  found  him. 
The  buGfs  and  the  buzzards  had  o-athered  around  him. 
The  evidence  through — the  lawyers  are  pitted. 
The  speeches,  arc  made,  and  the  case  is  submitted — 


A  Misjomder.  195 

The  jury  retire — the  verdict  soon  follows, 

That  Hanks  shall  pay  Robbins  full  twenty  round 

dollars ; 
But  the  Court,  in  the  j^leadings  detecting  a  flaw, 
Administers  Justice  according  to  law^ 
By  ordering  these  litigant  sons  of  Belial 
To  mend  up  their  jjleadings  and  take  a  new  triaL 


196  The   Orderly  Parts  of  Pleading, 


THE   ORDERLY   PARTS  OF  PLEADING. 

A  DECLARATION  Oil  the  plaintiff's  part 

Is  first  in  course,  with  this  the  pleadings  start. 

The  next  in  order  comes  defendant's  jylea  y 

Should  2)laintiff  to  the  plea  reply,  'twill  be 

His  replication^  as  you'll  plainly  see. 

Pcjoindcr  follows,  if  defendant  plead^ 

The  plaintiff 's  siir  rejoinder  then  may  lead, 

Pehutter  still  defendant  may  insist ; 

The  sur  rebutter  closes  up  the  list. 

No  further  pleas  on  either  side  are  brought. 

The  ne plus  tdtra  has  been  found  not  sought. 

Just  seven  links  make  up  this  legal  chain ; 

The  last  link  reached,  to  seek  for  more  were  vain. 

The  real  issue  must  be  somewhere  found, 

To  which  contending  parties  may  be  bound ! 

This  issue  must  be  one  o^laio  ov  fact ; 

It  must  be  single,  this  the  rules  exact, 

Also  certain  and  material,  too — 

For  if  upon  a  clear  and  fair  review 

The  requisites  are  not  all  clearly  found, 

The  issue  reached  will  be  declared  unsound. 

These  brief  and  simple  rules  here  introduced 

Will  tend  to  show  how  issues  are  produced. 


The  Orderly  Paris  of  Pleading,         l'^7 

The  first  is  this:  that  after  plaintiff 's ^:)^ea, 
Or  declaration^  it  should  rather  be, 
The  parties  must  at  each  successive  stage 
Demur  ov  filead^  and  thus  their  battle  wage 
By  way  of  traverse^  or  they  may  instead 
In  confession  and  avoidaoice  plead. 
The  substance  of  rule  second  seems  to  be, 
That  when  a  traverse  is  a  party's  plea, 
Issue  must  be  tendered  then  and  there  / 
The  rule's  imperative  and  plainly  fair. 
Lastly :  an  issue  tendered  well  must  be 
Accepted.     The  law  permits  no  further  plea. 
Were  this  not  so,  the  matter  in  dispute 
Could  not  appear,  and  bootless  then  the  suit; 
Juries  would  be  a  farce,  and  courts  a  form, 
And  pleading  of  its  only  province  shorn.     . 
Pleading  is  based  on  logic,  that  is  clear ; 
And  he  the  best  logician  will  appear 
Who  can  for  all  its  many  rules  supply 
A  reason,  or,  in  other  words,  the  why. 
For  earnest  students  there's  a  royal  road 
To  legal  lore,  which  leads  beyond  the  '•  code," 
Stretching  far  on  to  where  a  temple  stands, 
Whose  towering  heights  the  law's  broad  field  com- 
mands. 
This  stately  temple,  reached  in  ages  j^ast. 
Is  firm,  compact,  and  of  proportions  vast. 


198  The   Orderly  Part  of  Pleading. 

By  slow  degrees  the  massive  structure  sjrew ; 

Its  workmen  wrought  with  vigor  ever  new ; 

Age  follows  age,  and  still  the  work  goes  on ; 

Art,  learning,  genius,  all  their  stores  were  drawn, 

And  yet  this  monument  to  legal  lore, 

To  LAW  and  lawyers  sacred  evermore, 

Stood  forth  complete;  'tis  now  the  scholar's  pride, 

The  law's  delight,  the  pleader's  ordy  guide. 

But  I  digress,  digression  here  must  end, 

Or  leave  will  not  be  granted  to  amend; 

Nor  yet  be  aided  after  verdict  given ; 

So  then  right  here  I'll  ask  to  be  forgiven, 

Or  ])lead  to  all  not  strictly  legal  matter, 

TJtile  per  inutile  non  vitiatur. 


Jari)   Trial  in  the  Days  of  Edioard  I.   199 


JURY  TRIAL  l^  THE   DAYS   OF 
EDWARD    I. 

'Tis  forty  pennies  that  yon  ask,  a  ransom  fine  for 
me ; 

And  twenty  more,  'tis  but  a  score,  for  my  lord  sher- 
iff's fee : 

Else  of  his  deepest  dungeon  the  darkness  I  mu-it 
dree ; 

Is  this  of  justice,  masters? — Behold  my  case  and 
see. 

For  this   I'll   to  the  greenwood — to  the  pleasant 

shade  away ; 
There  evil  none  of  law  doth  wonne,  nor  harmful 

perjury. 
I'll  to  the  wood,  the  pleasant  wood,  where  freely 

flies  the  jay; 
And,  without   fail,  the  nightingale  is   chanting   of 

her  lay. 

But  for  that  cursed  doz-^Ji,  God  show  them  small 

pitie ; 
Among  their  lying  voices  they  have  indicted  me. 
Of  wicked  robberies  and  other  felonie, 
That   I  dare  no  more,   as  heretofore,   among  my 

friends  to  be. 


200  Jury   Trial  in  the  Days  of  Edward  I. 

Id  i^eace  a,ud  war  my  service  my  Lord,  the  King, 

hatli  ta'en, 
111    Flanders  and    in   Scotland,  and    Gascoyne   liis 

domain  ; 
But  now  I'll  never,  well   I  wis,  be  mounted  man 

again. 
To  pleasure  such  a  man  as  this   I've  spent  much 

time  in  vain. 

But  if  these  ciw^o,^  jurors  do  not  amend  them  so, 
That  I  to  my  own  country  may  freely  ride  and  go, 
The  head  that  I  can  come  at  shall  jump  when  I've 

my  blow, 
Their   menacings,   and  all  such  things,  then  to  the 

winds  I'll  throw. 

All  ye  who  are  indicted,  I  pray  you  come  to  me. 

To  the  greenwood,  the  pleasant  wood,  where's  nei- 
ther suit  nor  plea; 

But  only  the  wild  creatures,  and  many  a  spreading 
tree ; 

For  there's  little  in  the  common  law  but  doubt  and 
misery. 

If  meeting  a  companion,  I  show  my  archery, 
My  neighbor  will  be  saying,  "He's  of  some  com^ 
pany— 


Jury   Trial  in  the  Days  of  Edward  L    201 

He  goes  to  cage  liini  in  the  wood,  and  worke  his 

old  foleye  " ; 
For  men  will  hunt  me  like  the  boar,  and  life's  no 

life  for  me. 

If  I  should  seem  more  cunning  about  the  law  than 

they, 
"  Ha !  ha !    some  old    conspirator,  well  trained   in 

tricks,"  they'll  say ; 

0  wheresoe'er   doth  ride  the  Eyre,  I   must  keep 

well  away : — 
Such  neighborhood  I  hold  not  good,  shame  fall  on 
such  I  pray. 

1  pray  you  all,  good  people,  to  say  for  me  a  prayer, 
That  I  in  peace  may  once  again  to  my  own  land 

repair : 
I  never  was  a  homicide,  not  with  my  will,  I  swear, 
Nor  robber.  Christian  folk  to  spoil,  that  on  their 

way  did  fare. 

This  rhyme  was  made  within  the  wood,  beneath  a 

broad  bay-tree ; 
There  singeth  merle  and  nightingale,  and    falcon 

soareth  free. 
I  wrote   the  skin,  because  within  was  much   sore 

memory. 
And   here  I  fling  it   by  the  wood,  that  found  my 

rhyme  may  be. 


202  The  Pet  of  the  Pyriiish  Jury. 


THE  PET   OF   THE   BRITISH  JURY. 

To  Trial  by  Jury  Britons  owe 

The  lia])piness  of  being  free ; 
'Tis  called,  because  the  fact  is  so. 

Palladium  of  our  liberty. 
A  jury  is  the  wisest  plan, 

Whenever  folks  each  other  sue, 
That  ever  was  devised  by  man 

For  rendering  unto  all  their  due. 

A  British  Jury  knows  no  fear, 

Ko  favour  does  it  e'er  display 
To  Rank  and  Wealth,  to  Prince  or  Peer, 

Who  try  twelve  upright  souls  to  sway; 
Imi)artial  both  to  rich  and  poor, 

To  neither  clasps  disposed  to  bend. 
The  British  Jury  evermore 

Is  found  the  British  Tradesman's  friend. 

When  for  his  bill — however  large — 
An  action  he's  compelled  to  bring, 

If  British  Jurors  dock  his  charge, 
O,  how  extremely  rare  a  thing ! 

From  an  expensive  minor's  sire, 
Or  an  indebted  lady's  mate, 


The  Pet  of  the  British  Jury.  203 

Of  any  sum  he  may  require, 

How  seldom  will  they  aught  abate  I 

Should  any  asred  trifler  break 

Plis  infant  dau2;hter's  tender  heart 
By  breach  of  promise — don't  they  make 

The  toothless  old  deceiver  smart ! 
The  Juryman  and  Father  feels 

The  Tradesman's  and  the  Father's  pain, 
The  British  Tradesman  ne'er  appeals 

To  British  Jurymen  in  vain. 

The  other  day  a  case  occurred, 

Whereof  the  justice  all  must  own, 
The  Times  contained  a  tale  absurd, 

How  that  a  tailor — name  unknown— 
An  army-clothier's  agent — not 

Denoted  even  by  a  dash. 
Had  out  in  the  Crimea  got 

Scored  by  the  Provost-Marshal's  lash. 

Although  this  story  was  a  myth. 

To  common  vision  very  dim, 
There  was  a  certain  tailor.  Smith, 

And  his  friends  fixed  it  upon  him ; 
An  action  'gainst  the  Times  he  brought 

Upon  these  solid  serious  groundsj 


204  The  Pet  of  the  British  Jury. 

A  British  Jury  gave  him  naught 

Less  than  just  full  four  hundred  pounds. 

Nine  injured  British  Tailors,  they 

Did,  sure,  in  that  one  Tradesman  see. 
And  so  condemned  the  Times  to  pay 

For  damage  done  to  three  times  three ; 
Then  sing,  Nine  tailors  make  a  man. 

And  in  a  box  there  were  twelve  geese ; 
So  of  four  hundred  2)ounds  we  can 

Make  forty-four  j^ounds  odd  apiece. 


d  Digest  of  Lord 's  Evidence.  2 Jo 


A   DIGEST   OF   LORD   'S  EVIDENCE 

DEFOEE  THE  KOYAL  COMMISSION  AS  TO  JUUY  TRIALS. 

I. 

It  may  be  dramatic,  it  doubtless  is  dear; 

But  yet  I  most  strongly  assure  ye, 
To  assess  what's  to  pay,  to  turn  dark  into  clear, 

There's  nothing  like  trial  by  jury. 

TL. 

A  Judge  may  go  wrong,  I  frequently  do, 
Both  in  questions  of  law  and  of  fact ; 

The  counsel  look  black,  and  the  agents  look  blue, 
But  I  hide  my  annoyance  with  tact. 

ni. 

When  the  Court  overturns  what  on  proof  I  have 
found. 
And  the  litigants  get  in  a  fury, 
It  only  confirms  the  view  I  propound, 
That  the  case  should  have  gone  to  a  jury. 
18 


206         Ught  from  an  Umincnt  S.  S.    C 


LIGHT  FEO:\[  AN   EMINENT   S.   S.   C. 

"Ex  noto  fictum  Carmen  sequar." — Hok 

A  TRIAL  by  jury  I  always  have  felt, 

3Iight  be  done  in  a  different  way ; 
But  counsel  are  flurried  and  agents  are  harried 

Through  provincial  employer's  delay. 

Yet  the  evils  are  few,  in  fact,  they  are  two, 

Where  trial  by  jury  is  wrong: 
Ti;cre  are  witnesses  brought,  whether  needed  or  not, 

And  the  evidence  led  is  too  long. 

To  decrease  this  expense,  which  I  thhik  is  immense, 

In  a  trial  by  jury  or  proof, 
I  will  mention  a  way  the  expense  to  defray, 

Which  is  certainly  free  from  reproof. 

To  the  counsel  I  say,  "  See  these  witnesses^,  they 

Are  bad,  or  superfluous,  chiefly ; 
But  we'll  lose  the  expense  and  give  tliem  offense, 

Unless  you  examine  them  briefly. 


75 


In  the  last  of  my  proofs  two  counsel  I  fce'd, 
As  I  thought,  if  I  only  had  one. 

He  miofht  not  attend,  but  alas !  in  the  end 
I  found  mvselt'  sittin'^r  alone. 


Light  from  an  Eminent  S.  S-    O,        207 

Tlio  plan  I  suggest,  when  the  motions  arc  culled, 

Such  an  evil  as  this  to  reform 
(For  I  seldom  as  yet  any  counsel  could  get 

Who  had  leisure  liis  work  to  perform), 

Is  to  hold  that  the  Judge,  by  ajlctiojicrie. 

To  chambers  has  suddenly  fled ; 
And  if  counsel's  not  there,  ]et  the  agent  prepare, 

Or  his  clerk,  to  address  him  instead. 

When  an  ag^nt  is  paid  for  his  work,  it  is  said 

His  client  expects  him  to  do  it ; 
And  I  always  have  thought  that  the  bar  might  be  got 

To  act  on  this  rule,  if  they  knew  it. 

But  I  do  not  intend  that  a  counsel  should  send 

His  clerk  to  conduct  a  debate, 
And  pocket  the  fee— to  such  cases,  you  see, 

The  rule  is  not  meant  to  relate. 

In  the  case  of  a  fee,  it  is  j^lain  as  can  be, 
Th:it  the  maxim  of  law  so  well  known, 

Qui  facit  per  alhim  facit  per  se, 
Is  intended  for  agents  alone. 

On  the  part  of  "  our  body  "  I  wish  to  allow. 
Since  employment  we  give  to  so  few, 

More  intelligent  counsel,  more  able  than  now, 
We  think  that  the  bar  never  knew. 


208  The  Jury-Law  Victim 


THE  JURY-LAW  VICTIM. 

DEDICATED    TO    THE    ATTORNEY-GENERAL. 

Summoned  to  serve  on  a  jury! 

O,  I  shall  go  to  the  bad ! 
Driven  with  distraction  and  fury, 

Ruin  in  prospect,  stark  mad. 
Dragged  from  the  work  that's  my  living, 

Other  men's  business  to  mind, 
I  shall  no  thought  have  for  giving 

Save  to  my  own,  left  behind. 

Truly  to  try  they  may  swear  me. 

Off  mine  employment  when  torn  ; 
Whilst  mv  anxieties  tear  me. 

What  can  I  be  but  forsworn  ? 
Counsel  will  vainly  harangue  me, 

Witness  depose  all  in  vain, 
Judge's  charge — though  he  could  hang  me- 

Naught  of  my  mind  ^vill  obtain. 

As  for  all  criminal  cases, 

I  shall  the  prisoner  acquit. 
Like  a  deaf  man's  while  my  place  is; 

Give  him  the  doubt's  benefit. 


The  Jury-Lam  Victim.  209 

And  in  all  civil,  as  hearing 

Not  either  side  what  they  say, 
I  shall  toss  up,  that  ajopearing 

Nearest  for  me  the  right  way. 

If  you'd  have  j  uries' attention 

Pay  your  confounded  affairs, 
Press  men  by  fortune,  or  pension. 

Freed  from  life's  personal  cares, 
Idle  is  all  adjuration 

When  the  adjured  are  not  free. 
So  much  fur  the  administration 

Of  justice  you'll  get  out  of  me! 


210  Juror  Number  Six. 


JfJROR  IS^UMBER   SIX. 

And  so  you  won  Icr,  do  you,  why  the  jury  disagreed 

In  that  case  of  Thompson,  tried  at  August  court. 

For  stealing  Jones's  marc  —  the  one  of   thorougli 

breed — 

That  took  the  eyes  of  all,  and  made  them  hanker 

for  it. 

Well,  I'll  tell  you  how  it  was,  for  I  was  on  the 
panel, 

Beintr  number  six  as  was  called  out  by  the  clerk, 
And  I  thought,  as  in  the  box  I  went,  that  man'll 

Find  that  justice  hunts  out  crime,  however  dark. 

Half  a  day  they  speeched  and  witnessed  on  the  sub- 
ject, 
Proof  was  thin,  I  vow,  but  talk  was  over-thick, 
And  old  Thompson  sat  there,  brazen-faced,  in  i)ub- 
lic, 
With  a  look  of  innocence  that  made  me  almost 
sick. 

Then  for  consultation  out  did  march  the  jury. 
And  eleven  of  them  straigl.tway  did  decide 


Juror  K miher  Six.  211 

Thompson  is  "  not  guilty,"  and  broke  out  in  a  fury 
When  with  such  a  view  I  said  I  couldn't  coin- 
cide. 

But  they  were  very  stubborn,  though  I  tried  each 
man,  sir, 

To  convince  him  of  his  error — so  you  see, 
Wlien  the  court  again  met  for  our  answer 

We  had  none  to  give  but  that  "we  disagree." 

And  now  I'll  tell  you  further — keep  it  very  quiet — 
Thompson  was  not  guilty,  that  is  fair  and  square, 

For,  you  see,  as  being  ratlier  poor  to  buy  it, 

Juror  Xumber  Six,  it  was,  sir,  stole  old  Jones's 
mare. 


'^*12  Songs  of  the  Circuit. 


SONGS   OF   THE   CIRCUIT. 

THE    HOME. 

Feom  Circuit  to  Circuit  although  we  may  roam, 
Bo  it  ever  so  briefless,  there's  none  like  the  Home ; 
A  fee  from  the  skies  perhaps  may  follow  us  there, 
Which,  seek  through  the  Courts,  is  ne'er  met  with 

elsewhere. 
Home,  Home,  sweet  sweet  Home, 
There's  none  of  the  Circuits  can  equal  the  Home. 

When  out  on  the  Home,  lodgings  tempt  you  in  vain, 
The  railroad  brings  you  back   to   your  chambers 

again ; 
On  the  Home  the  expenses  for  posting  are  t-mall ; 
Give  me  that — 'tis  the  Circuit,  the  cheapest  of  all. 
Home,  Home,  sweet,  sweet  Home, 
There's  none  of  the  Circuits  can  equal  the  Home. 


The,  Mississippi  Witness,  213 


THE  MISSISSIPPI  wit:n'ess. 

YoAH  HoxAii,  an'  de  Juky  :  Ef  you'll  listen,  now, 

to  me, 
I's  gwine  to  straighten  up  dis  case  jes  like  it  ought 

to  be; 
Dis  lieah's  a  case  ob  stealing'  hogs — a  mighty  ser'ous 

'fense — 
An'  you'll  kno\y  all  about  it,  when  I  gibs  my  ebby- 

dence. 

Dis  Peter  Jones,  de  plainter,  is  a  member  ob  de 

chuc'h, 
But  Thomas  Green,  de  fender,  goodness  knows  he's 

nuflin  much — 
A  lazy,  triflin'  nigger  is  dat  berry  Thomas  Green — 
Dese  is  de  difrent  parties  you  is  called  to  jedge 

atween 

Now,  gib  me  stric'  contention  while  I  'lucidates  de 

fac' : 
Dere's  two  whole  sides  to  cberyting — de  front  one 

an'  de  back. 
What's  dat  de  little  lawyer  say?     To  talk  about  de 

case? 
Dat's  jus  what  I  wuz  comin'  to;  you  makes  me  lose 

de  place. 


214  The  Mississippi  Witrtess, 

Whar  wuz  I?     O,  I  'members;  I  wuz  jes  about  to 

say, 
I  lieerd    a   disputation   'bout   a   p'iut  of   law,   to- 
day- 
Bout  bow  to  tarn  State's  ebbydence — dat's  wliat 

dey's  dribin'  at — 
Kow  ain't  it  strange  some  niggers  is  so  ignorant  as 
dat? 

Why,  when  you  wants  to  turn  it,  you  jes  has  to 
come  to  town, 

An'  fin'  de  Deestric  Turner — ^he'll  be  some  whar 
loafin'  'roun' — 

An'  den  sez  you,  "  Mahs  Turner,  sah,  I  zires  my 
compliments; 

I's  come  in  town  to  see  you,  for  to  turn  State's  eb- 
bydence." 

As  soon's  you  tells  him  dat,  he   knows  perzackly 

what  you  mean. 
An'  takes  you  to  his  office,  where  he's  got  a  big 

mersheen. 
An'  dar  you  catches  hoi'  de  crank,  an'  den  you  turns 

away, 
Untell  at  las'  dar's  somefin'  clicks,  an'  den  you's  come 

to  A. 


The  Mississippi  Witness.  215 

"Is  dat  de  letter  ob  de  thing  de  feller  done?"  says 

he ; 
Ef  you  says  no,  you  turns  agin  untell  you  comes  to  B; 
An'  so  you  keeps  a-turnin',  tell  de  right  one  gits 

aroun', 
An'  dar  de  Deestric  Turner  looks,  an'  dar  de  law 

is  foun*. 

An'  den  you  gibs  de  fac's,  an'  den  he  reads  de  law 

to  you, 
An'  axes  you  to  'vise  him  what  you  think  he  ought 

to  do; 
An'  den  he  say,  "  Good  mornin',"  an'  he  gibs  you 

fifty  cents, 
An'  dat's  de  way  you  has  to  do  to  turn  State's  eb- 

bydence. 

Well,  gemmen  of  de  jury,  dis  heah  case  is  under- 
stood, 

I  doesn't  Tcnow  de  hog  wuz  stole,  but  Peter's  word 
is  good — 

He  up  an'sesso  manfully,  dout  makin'  any  bones ; 

An'  darfore,  sahs,  if  I  wuz  you,  I  think  I'd  'cide  for 
Jones. 


210  The  Demise  of  Doe  and  Moe. 


TIIE  DEMISE  OF  DOE  AIsTD  ROE. 

(Obiemnt  July  15,  1852.) 

In  Westminster  Hall  it  is  darkness  all, 
And  solemn  the  strokes  of  midnight  fall 

From  out  the  neighboring  Abbey  tower  ; 
The  echoes  call;  from  roof  and  wall, 

And  i^ass  the  record  of  the  hour. 

The  first  has  died,  the  last  replied, 
That  'twixt  the  far  roof  ribs  doth  hide, 

And  midnight  hath  been  signalled  round, 
When  the  Court  doors  wide,  on  the  western  side, 

Fly  open  all,  without  a  sound. 

From  each  doth  troop  a  shadowy  group 
Of  forms  that  'neath  a  burden  stoop — 

A  heavy  burden  like  a  bier  ; 
Mournfully  their  heads  they  droop. 

Their  sobs  and  sighs  are  plain  to  hear. 

Doleful  and  drear  about  the  bier, 
Whereon  two  shrouded  forms  appear, 

Laid  out  like  corpses,  side  by  side: 
Ko  corj)ses,  though,  for  lo !  they  rear 

Two  grizzly  heads,  all  hollow-eyed  1 


The  Demise  of  Doe  and  Hoe.  217 

Heavy  as  lead,  from  each  bier-bed, 
Is  lifted  up  a  stricken  head. 

But  hold !  methinks  those  heads  I  know — 
Law-bred,  law-fed,  but  now  nigh  sped — 

It  is  John  Doe  and  Richaed  Roe  ! 

"Well  I  know  them;  naught  I  owe  them ; 
Oft,  in  an  ejectment  (blow  them !), 

Roe  I  have  cursed  and  Doe  have  demmed ; 
Law  that  made  doth  now  o'erthrow  them, 

And  now  to  die  they  are  condemned. 

Xow,  erecter,  grisley  spectre, 
Roe,  the  casual  ejector. 

Sadly  sits  up  and  strives  to  speak ; 
Doe,  that  once  stormed  like  a  Hector, 

Bears  to  his  comrade  burden  meek : 

*' Legal  fictions,  our  afflictions 
Should  to  you  be  as  predictions 

To  tell  your  quickly  coming  fate ; 
.Kew  reforms  and  fresh  restrictions 

Are  gathering  all  about  law's  gate, 

*'Yc  are  many,  yet  not  any 

Brought  the  lawyers  such  a  penny 

As  we  great  fictions  used  to  do ; 
19 


218  The  Demise  of  Doe  and  Hoe. 

Never  cats  of  famed  Kilkenny 

Such  battles  fought  as  did  we  two. 

"  The  great  glory  of  our  story, 
On  the  page  of  year-books  hoary, 

In  old  black-letter  may  be  read; 
Gallant  were  our  fights  and  gory, 

For  in  the  j^urse  our  victims  bled. 

"  In  the  nation's  declarations 
We  have  ruled  for  generations  ; 

Still  at  our  will,  unjust  or  just, 
\Ye  flung  the  proud  from  their  high  stations, 

"We  raised  the  lowly  from  their  dust. 

"  Although  w^e  were  not  things,  but  names. 
All  in  our  keeping  left  their  claims, 

Insj)ired  with  reverent  awe. 
Deaf  to  men's  j^raises  or  their  blam.es. 

We  sat — lies  throned  on  law. 

"Till  the  bold  ways  of  these  new  days 
Dared  question  of  our  use  to  raise, 

And  insolently  sought  to  know 
If  justice  must  walk  in  a  maze, 

Led  by  the  ghosts  of  Doe  and  Roe? 


The  Demise  of  Doe  and  Roe.  219 

"Still  bolder  grew  the  impious  crew, 
And  more  and  more  the  veil  withdrew 

That  hangs  before  the  shrine  of  law  ; 
And  though  we  stood  revealed  to  view, 

Stoutly  declared  they  nothing  saw. 

"  Reckless  they  swore  they  would  no  more 
Be  dupes  of  fictions,  as  of  yore ; 

And  on  this  frivolous  pretence, 
Into  the  cave  of  legal  lore 

Let  the  coarse  light  of  common  sense. 

"Our  sand  is  run — our  reign  is  done, 
The  accursed  light  we  may  not  shun, 

We  sink  beneath  its  fatal  ray ; 
You,  minor  fictions,  every  one, 

Before  it  soon  must  melt  away. 

''  With  Doe  and  me  soon  men  will  see 
Poor  formal  color  in  a  plea ; 

And  you,  ye  Common  Courts,  also ; 
You,  forms  of  action,  soon  will  be, 

Where  Doe  and  I  are  going  to. 

"Rules  to  Compute,  you'll  soon  be  mute- 
Special  demurrers,  keen  and  'cute, 
Your  quibbles  will  not  save  you  long ; 


220  The  Demise  of  Doe  and  Roe. 

Ton,  too,  Yeniros,  branch  and  root, 
Will  fall  before  the  reckless  throng. 

'*  In  this  last  hour,  with  prophet  power, 
I  see  as  one  sees  from  a  tower, 

Law,  shorn  and  shaved,  and  short, 
Driven  from  her  ancient  state,  to  lower 

In  cheap  and  nasty  County  Court. 

"  Gone  pleaders'  sleight  to  j^rove  wrong  right ; 
Gone  subtle  forms  to  make  black  white  ; 

Gone  every  quibble,  quiddit,  quirk, 
All  that  make  suitors'  purses  light, 

And  all  that  found  the  lawyers  work. 

"  To  end  doth  draw  the  reign  of  Law ; 
Merits  shall  win,  despite  of  flaw, 

Whether  in  j^rocess  or  in  plea — 
Justice  comes  in,  rude,  coarse,  and  raw, 

And  so,  friends,  out  go  we ! " 


The   Circuiteer'^ s  Lament.  '>^-l 


THE   CIRCUITEER'S  LAMENT. 

Ae  morning  near  the  dawning,  I  saw  a    counsel 
yawning, 
And  heard  liim.  say  in  accents  that  were  onythmg 
but  gay. 
As  saclly  he  was  grinding  at  a  meikle  multiplepoin- 
diug  ; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  processions,  uae  pageants,  nae  pawky  country 
agents, 
ISTae  macers,  nae  trumpeters,  wi'  tipsy  blare  and 
bray, 
Nae  councillor  or  bailiCj  or  j^rovost  smiling  gayly  ; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  lunny    cross-examining,  nae  jurymen  begam- 
moning, 
Nae  laughter  from  the  audience,   nae   gallery's 
hurrah, 
Nae  fleeching  for  acquittal,  though  you  don't  care 
a  spittle ; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 


222  The   Circuiteer's  Lament. 

Nae  playing  hocus-pocus  with  the  tempus  and  the 

Nae  pleas  in  mitigation  (a  kittle  job  are  tliey), 
Nae  bonnj  rapes  and   reivings,  nae  forgeries  and 
thieviogs  ; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  banter  frae  Lord  D s,  nae  promises  of  fees 

That  never  will  be  paid  afore  the  Judgment  Day, 

Nae   lies  dubbed   "information,"  from   the    warst 
rogues  in  the  nation ; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  haveral  "wutty"  witness  disi)laying  his  unfit- 
ness 
To  see  some  sma'  distinction  'tween  a  trial  and  a 

play ; 

Nae  witness  primed  at  lunch  wi'  perjuries  and  punch; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  laughing-gas    orations,  nae    treading  on  the 
patience 
Of  judges  and  of  juries,  wlio  let  you  say  your  say, 
Yet  pay  but  sma'  attention  to  the  gems  of  your  in- 
vention ; 
Tlie  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 


The   Circiiitecr's  Lament.  22t) 

Nae  mair  delightful  wondering,  at  a  new  man  bland- 
ly blundering, 
Nae  kind  hints  from  the  Court  that  he's  ganging 
far  astray ; 
Nae  flowery  depictions,  in  the  teeth  of  ten  convic- 
tions, 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  whacking  ten  years'  sentence,  wi'  advices  to 
repentance. 
And  learn    in  years  of  leisure  to   admire  "  the 
law's  delay," 
Nae  fell  female  fury,  blackguarding  judge  and  jury ; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  grey  auld  woman  sobbing,  nae  mair  ye'll  catcli 
her  robbing, 
And  a'  the  Christian  virtues  lienceforth  she  will 
disjolay, 
If  the  judge  will  but  have  mercy  (for  the  sixteenth 
time  I  dare  say)  ; 
The  days  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  dinners  with  the  judges,  nae  drooning  a'  your 
grudges, 
In  deep,  deep  draughts  of  claret,  and   a'   your 
senses  tae; 


224  The  Circuiteer^s  Lament. 

iN'ae  chatter   wise  or   witty   on  ticklish   points  of 
dittay  ; 
The  clays  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 

Nae  high  jinks  after  dinner  wi'  ony  madcap  sinner, 
Nae  drinking  whisky  toddy,  until   the   break  of 

Kae  speeches  till  a  hiccup  compels  a  sudden  f  tick-up ; 
The  nichts  o'  my  Circuits  are  a'  fled  away. 


A  Case  of  Libel.  225 


A  CASE  OF  LIBEL. 

*'The  greater  the  truth,  the  worse  the  libel." 

A  CERTAIN  sprite,  who  dwells  below, 

('Twere  a  libel,  perhaps,  to  mention  where,) 

Came  up,  incof/.,  some  years  ago, 

To  try,  for  a  change,  the  London  air. 

So  well  he  look'd  and  dress' d  and  talk'd, 
And  hid  his  tail  and  horns  so  handy, 

You'd  hardly  have  known  him,  as  he  walked, 
From  C***e  or  any  other  dandy. 

(His  horns,  it  seems,  are  made  t'  unscrew ; 

So  he  has  but  to  take  them  out  of  the  socket, 
And — just  as  some  fine  husbands  do — 

Conveniently  clap  them  into  his  pocket.) 

In  short,  he  look'd  extremely  natty, 

And  ev'n  contriv'd— tohisown  great  wonder- 
By  dint  of  sundry  scents  from  Gattie, 
To  keej)  the  sulphurous  liogo  under. 

And  so  my  gentleman  hoof'd  about. 
Unknown  to  all  but  a  chosen  few, 

At  White's  and  Crockford's,  where,  no  doubt, 
He  had  many^:>os^  ohiU  falling  due. 


22 G  A   Case  of  Libel. 

Alike  a  gamester  and  a  wit, 

At  nioht  lie  was  seen  with  Cmckford's  crew, 
At  morn  with  learned  dames  would  sit, 

So  pass'd  his  time  'twixt  black  and  blue. 

Some  wished  to  make  him  an  M   P., 
But  finding  Wilks  was  also  one,  he 

Swore,  in  a  rage,  he'd  be  d d  if  he 

Would  ever  sit  in  one  house  with  Johnny. 

At  length,  as  secrets  travel  fast, 

And  devils,  whether  he  or  she. 
Are  sure  to  be  found  out  at  last. 

The  affair  got  wind  most  rapidly. 

The  Press,  the  impartial  Press,  that  snubs 
Alike  a  fiend's  or  an  angel's  capers — 

Miss  Paton's  soon  as  Beelzebub's — 

Fired  off  a  squib  in  the  morning  2)a2:>ers  ; 

"  AYe  warn  good  men  to  keep  aloof 
From  a  grim  old  dandy  seen  about, 

With  a  fire-proof  wig,  and  a  cloven  hoof 
Through  a  neat-cut  Hoby  smoking  out." 

Kow,  the  Devil  being  a  gentleman, 

Who  ])iques  himself  on  well-bred  dealings, 


A   Case  of  Libel.  "227 

You  may  guess,  when  o'er  these  lines  he  ran, 
How  much  thev  hurt  and  shock'd  his  feelinors. 

xXway  he  posts  to  a  man  of  law, 

And  O,  'twould  make  you  laugh  to  've  seen  'em. 
As  ])aw  shook  hand,  and  hand  shook  j^aw, 

And  'twas  "  hail,  good  fellow,  well  met,"  between 
'em. 

Straight  an  indictment  was  preferr'd, 
And  much  the  Devil  enjoy'd  the  jest, 

When,  asking  about  the  Bench,  he  heard 
That  of  all  the  Judges  his  own  was  Best.i 

In  vain  defendant  proffer'd  proof, 

That  plaintiff's  self  was  the  Father  of  Evil, 

Brought  Hoby  forth,  to  swear  to  the  hoof. 
And  Stultz  to  speak  to  the  tail  of  the  Devil. 

The  jury  (saints  all  snug  and  rich, 

And  readers  of  virtuous  Sunday  papers) 

Found  for  the  plaintiff — on  hearing  which 
The  Devil  gave  one  of  his  loftiest  capers. 

For  O,  'twas  nuts  to  the  Father  of  Lies 
(As  this  Avily  fiend  is  named  in  the  Bible), 

To  find  it  settled,  by  laws  so  w4se. 

That  the  greater  the  truth,  the  worse  the  libel ! 


228  Report  of  an  Adjudge  d  Case. 


REPORT  OF  AN  ADJUDGED  CASE, 

NOT  TO  BE  FOUXD  IN  ANY  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

Between  Nose  and  Eyes  a  strange  contest  arose, 
The  spectacles  set  them  unhappily  wrong ; 

The  point  in  dispute  was,  as  all  the  world  knows, 
To  which  the  said  spectacles  ought  to  belong. 

So  Tongue  was  the  lawyer,  and  argued  the  cause 
With  a  great  deal  of  skill,  and  a  wig  full  of  learn- 
ing; 
While  Chief  Baron  Ear  sat  to  balance  the  laws, 

So  famed  for  his  talent  of  nicely  discerning. 

In  behalf  of  the  Nose,  it  will  quickly  appear. 

And  your  lordship,  he  said,  will  undoubtedly  find, 

That  the  nose  has  had  spectacles  always  in  wear, 
Which  amounts  to  possession  time  out  of  mind. 

Then  holding  the  spectacles  up  to  the  Court, 

Your  lordship   observes  they  are  made  with  a 
straddle 

As  wide  as  the  bridge  of  the  nose  is  ;  in  short. 
Designed  to  sit  close  to  it,  just  like  a  saddle. 


Report  of  an  Adjudged  Case.  229 

Again:  would  your  lordship  a  moment  suppose 
('Tls  a  case  that  has  happen'd,  and  may  be  again) 

That  the  visage  or  countenance  had  not  a  Nose, 
Pray  who  would,  or  who  could,  wear  spectacles 
then? 

On  the  whole,  it  appears,  and  my  argument  shows, 
With  a  reasoninor  the  Court  will  never  condemn. 

That  the  spectacles  plainly  were  made  for  the  ISTose, 
And  the  Nose  was  as  plainly  intended  for  them. 

Then  shifting  his  side  (as  a  lawyer  knows  how), 
Pie  pleaded  again  in  behalf  of  the  Eyes ; 

But  what  were  his  arguments  fevv  people  know. 
For  the  Court  did  not  think  they  were  equally  wise. 

So  his  lordship  decreed,  with  a  grave,  solemn  tone. 
Decisive  and  clear,  without  one  if  or  but, 

That  whenever  the  Nose  put  his  spectacles  on, 
By  daylight  or  candle-light.  Eyes  must  be  shut ! 


20 


230  Hat  vs.  Wir/. 


HAT    V^.  WIG. 

"  Metus  omnes  et  inexorabile  fatum 
Subjecit  pedibus,  strepitumque  Acherontis  rivari." 

'TwixT  Eldon's  Hat  and  Eldon's  Wi<? 

There  lately  rose  an  altercation, 
Each  with  its  own  importance  big, 

Disputing  lohich  most  serves  the  nation. 


Quotli  Wig,  with  consequential  air, 
"  Pooli!  pooh !  you  surely  can't  design, 

My  worthy  beaver,  to  compare 

Your  station  in  the  state  with  mine. 


'"Who  meets  the  learned  lesral  crew? 

Who  fronts  the  lordly  Senate's  pride? 
The  Wig,  the  Wig,  my  friend — while  you 

Hang  dangling  on  some  peg  outside. 

*'  O,  'tis  the  Wig  that  rules,  like  Love, 
Senate  and  Court,  with  like  eclat  — 

And  wards  below,  and  Lords  above, 
For  Law  is  Wig,  and  Wig  is  Law !  " 

"  Who  tried  the  long,  lonr^  Welle ~L!:y  suit. 
Which  tried  one's  patience  in  return  ? 


Hat  vs.  Wig.  231 

Not  thou,  O  H.it !  though,  couldst  thou  do't, 
Of  other  brims  than    thine  thou'clst  learn. 

"'Twas  mine  our  master's  toil  to  share, 
When,  like  '  Truej^enny'  in  the  p'ay, 

He  every  minute  cried  out,  'Swear,' 
And  merrily  to  swear  went  they  ; — 

"When,  loth  poor  Wellesley  to  condemn,  he 
With  nice  discrimination  weigh'd. 

Whether  'twas  only  '  Hell  and  Jemmy,' 
Or  '  Hell  and  Tommy,'  that  he  play'd. 

"  No,  no,  my  worthy  beaver,  no  ; 

Though  cheapen'd  at  the  cheapest  hatter's, 
And  smart  enough,  as  beavers   go. 

Thou  ne'er  wert  made  for  public  matters." 

Here  Wig  concluded  his  oration. 

Looking,  as  wigs  do,  wondrous  wise ; 

While  thus,  full  cock' J  for  declamation, 
The  veteran  Hat,  enrag'd,  replies: 

"  Ho !  dost  thou  then  so  soon  forget 
What  thou,  what  England  owes  to  me? 

Ungrateful  Wig  I  when  will  a  debt. 
So  deep,  so  vast,  be  owed  to  thee? 


232  Hat  vs.  Wig. 

"Think  of  that  night,  that  fearful  night, 
When  through  the  steaminsr  vault  below 

Our  master  dar'd,  in  gout's  despite, 
To  venture  his  podagric  toe  ! 

"  Who  was  it  then,  thou  boaster,  say, 

When  thou  hadst  to  tliy  box  sneak'd  off, 

Beneath  his  feet  protecting  lay, 

And  sav'd  him  from  a  mortal  cough  ? 

'•  Think,  if  catarrh  had  quench'd  that  siin, 
How  blank  this  world  had  been  to  thee ! 

Without  that  head  to  shine  upon, 
O  Wig,  where  would  thy  glory  be  ? 

"  You,  too,  ye  Britons — had  this  hope 

Of  Church  and  State  been  ravish'd  from  ye, 

O,  think  how  Canning  and  the  Pope 

Would  then  have  played  up  '  Hell  and  Tommy' ! 

"At  sea,  there's  but  a  plank,  they  say, 

'Twixt  seamen  and  annihilation ; 
O  Hat,  that  awful  moment  lay 

'Twixt  England  and  Emancipation! 

«cOh!!!— " 

At  this  Oh  ! !  The  Times  reporter 
Was  taken  poorly  and  retir'd  ; 


Hat  vs.  Wig.  238 

Which  made  him  cut  Hat's  rhetoric  shorter 
Than  justice  to  the  case  requir'd. 

Ou  liis  return,  he  found  these  shocks 

Of  eloquence  all  ended  quite; 
And  Wig  lay  snoring  in  his  box, 

And  Hat  was — hung  up  for  the  night. 


234  The   Case  Altered. 


THE   CASE  ALTERED. 

Hodge  held  a  farm,  and  smiled  content 
While  one  year  j^aid  another's  rent; 
But  if  he  ran  the  least  behind 
Vexation  stung  his  anxious  mind  ; 
For  not  an  hour  would  landlord  stav, 
But  seize  the  very  quarter  day ; 
How  cheap  soe'er  or  scant  the  grain, 
Though  urged  yrith  truth,  was  urged  in  vain, 
The  same  to  him  if  false  or  true. 
For  rent  must  come  when  rent  was  due. 
Yet  that  same  landlord's  cows  and  steeds 
Broke  Hodge's  fence,  and  crops  his  meads ; 
In  hunting,  that  same  landlord's  hounds, 
See  how  they  spread  his  new-sown  grounds; 
Dog,  horse,  and  man,  alike  o'erjoyed, 
While  half  the  rising  crop's  destroyed, 
Yet  tamely  was  the  loss  sustain'd ; 
'Tis  said  the  sufferer  once  complain'd ; 
The  squire  laugh 'd  loudly  while  he  sj^oke. 
And  paid  the  bumpkin  with  a  joke. 

But  luckless  still,  j^oor  Hodge's  fate  ! 
His  worship's  bull  has  forced  a  gate, 


The  Case  Altered.  235 

And  gored  his  cow,  the  last  and  best; 

By  sickness  he  had  lost  the  rest. 

Hodge  felt  at  heart  resentment  strong — 

The  heart  will  feel  that  suffers  loner. 

A  thought  that  instant  took  his  head, 

And  thus  within  himself  he  said  : 

"  If  Hodge  for  once  don't  sting  the  squire, 

May  i^eojole  post  him  for  a  liar." 

He  then  across  his  shoulder  throws 

His  fork,  and  to  his  landlord  goes. 

"I  come,  an'  jDlease  ye,  to  unfold 

What  soon  or  late  you  must  be  told : 

My  biJl  (a  creature  tame  till  now) — 

My  bull  has  gored  your  worship's  cow. 

'Tis  known  what  shifts  I  make  to  live — 

Perhaps  your  honor  may  forgive — no  more. 

"  Forgive !  "  the  squire  replied,  and  swore; 

"  Pray,  cant  to  me  forgive,  no  more ! 

The  laws  my  damage  shall  decide. 

And  know  that  I'll  be  satisfied." 

''  Think,  sir,  I'm  poor,  poor  as  a  rat." 

"  Think,  I'm  a  justice,  think  of  that." 

Hodge  bow'd  again,  and  scratch'd  his  head, 

And  recollecting,  archly  said : 

"  Sir,  I'm  so  struck  when  here  before  ye, 

I  fear  I  blundered  in  the  story ; 


236  The   Case  Altered. 

'Fore  George!  but  I'll  not  blunder  now, 
Yours  was  the  bull,  sir;  mine  the  cow  ! " 
His  worship  found  his  rage  subside, 
And  with  calm  accent  thus  replied  : 
"I'll  think  upon  your  case  to-night, 
But  I  perceived  'tis  altered  quite  ! 
Hodge  shrugg'd,  and  made  another  bow, 
"  An'  i)lease  ye,  who's  the  Justice  now?" 


7? 


Settlement   Cases.  237 


SETTLEMEI!^T  CASES. 
Sh-IBwell  v.  St.  Johns  Wappixg, 

A  WOMAN,  having  a  settlement, 

Married  a  man  with  none. 
The  question  was,  he  being  dead, 

If  that  she  had  w^as  gone  ? 

Qaoth  Sir  John  Pratt :  "  Her  settlement 

Suspended  did  remain, 
Living  the  husband.     But,  him  dead, 

it  doth  revive  again." 

Cliorus  of  Puisne  Judges: 

"Living  the  husband;  but,  him  dead. 
It  doth  revive  again." 

Rex  v).  lNm\j3iTANTS   of   St.  Botolph's. 

A  woman,  having  a  settlement, 

Married  a  man  with  none  ; 
He  flies  and  leaves  her  destitute ; 

What  then  is  to  be  done  ? 

Quoth  Ryder,  the  chief  justice  ; 
"In  spite  of  Sir  John  Pratt, 


238  Settlement  Cases. 

You'll  send  her  to  the  parish 
In  which  she  was  a  brat. 

"  Siispe7ision  of  a  settlement 
Is  not  to  be  maintained; 

That  which  she  had  by  birth  subsists 
Until  another's  gained." 

Chorus  of  Puisne  Judges: 

'••  That  which  she  had  by  birth  subsists 
Until  another's  gained." 


Punch  in   Chancery,  239 


PUNCH   liST   CHANCERY. 

KEPORTED    BY    HIAISELF. 

The  Court  is  crowded — on  tho  bench  is  seen 

England's  Vice-Chancellor,  with  brow  serene ; 

Within  the  bar  silk-gownsmen  strongly  muster, 

While  in  back  rows  the  juniors  thickly  cluster — 

Hoping  some  miracle  may  perhaps  have  sent 

A  stray  half-Gjuinea  motion  to  consent ; 

But  few,  alas !  are  destined  yet  to  see 

Even  the  color  of  the  casual  fee. 

Now,  from  tlie  foremost  bench,  behold  arise 

A  learned  man— in  counsel  truly  wise ; 

Sensation  through  the  throng'd  assembly  ran, 

As  thus  this  learned  counsellorbeccan  : 

•'Your  Honor  " — for  'tis  thus  old  customs  teach 

The  counsel  to  begin  the  legal  speech — 

"Your  Honor,  I've  the  honor  to  appear 

For  one  whose  fame  extends  from  sphere  to  sphere; 

The  hero  of  the  cap,  the  staff,  the  hunch. 

The  dog,  the  bell,  the  gallows — glorious  Puxcu  ! 

Vile  arts  some  caitiff  publisher  pursues, 

The  fame  of  Punch  to  sully  and  abuse. 

By  i^irating  his  form  and  brow  serene, 

Givino'  his  countenance  to  thinirs  unclean." 


240  Punch  in   Chancery. 

No  more  the  learned  man  had  cause  to  sj^eak, 

For  indignation  blanched  bis  Honor's  cheek. 

"  Shall  PuxcH,"  said  he,  "  be  thus  dishonored  ? — O, 

Thus  from  the  judgment-seat,  I  answer — N"o. 

Are  caitiff  publishers  without  compunction? 

Take,  Mr.  Bethell — take  a  strong  injunction. 

And  never  did  the  Court  commence  the  day 

In  such  a  jovial  and  auspicious  way. 

And  thus,  between  its  breakfast  and  its  lunch, 

Taking  such  very  well-concocted  Punch." 

His  Honor's  joke  caught  by  the  eager  bar, 

AYas  duly  welcomed  by  the  loud  "  Ha,  ha !  " 

"  Silence !  "  the  startled  usher  loudly  call'd, 

By  such  unusual  sounds  in  court  appall'd ; 

And  strove,  at  first,  to  check  the  unheard-of  din 

Of  chancery  suitors  yielding  to  a  grin ; 

But  soon  his  muscles,  like  dissolving  lead, 

Into  a  limpid  smile  are  seen  to  spread  ; 

While  laughter's  liquid  fruits  appear  to  rise 

In  liquid  streamlets  from  his  languid  eyes. 

Then  Punch,  obtaining  all  his  counsel  sought, 

Departs  triumphant  from  th'  admiring  court. 


Law  of  Husband  and  Wife.  241 


I 


LAW  OF   HUSBAND   AND   WIFE. 

SaPERioR  Court,  May  Term,   1837. 

THE  STATE   r.   HENRY  DAY. 

Semble,  that  if  A  kills  lais  bride, 
Such  killing  is  not  suicide. 

Baron  and  feme  are  only  one, 
If  anv  ill  the  wife  hath  done; 
If  any  crime  the  man  doth  do, 
Baron  and  feme  are  clearly  two. 

In  either  case,  or  one  or  two, 
The  baron  must  the  penance  do. 

'Tis  the  hour  of  ten, 

And  a  crowd  of  men 

Wait  at  the  door  of  the  Justice  Hall — 

Bailiffs  and  suitors  and  jurors  and  all; 

And  a  murmur  loud 

Runs  thro'  that  crowd, 

And  ev'ry  man  gives  his  neighbor  a  nudge, 

And  all  of  them  mutter,  "Here  comes  the  judge." 


The  passage  is  clear'd, 

Anl  the  judge  has  appear'd; 

21 


C\ 


42  Xcnc  of  Hu  hand  and  Wife, 


A  mild-looking  man  Avitli  a  youthful  face, 
He  strides  up  the  hall,  and  he  takes  liis  place; 
With  "Silence!"  the  crowded  hall  resounds, 
But  not  another  note  the  curious  lisi'ner  wounds. 

The  sheriff  "  Oh  yes!  Oh  yes!"  hath  bawl'd, 

The  witnesses  come,  and  the  jurors  are  call'd ; 

"Let  the  pris'ner  be  brought"; 

'Tis  done,  quick  as  thought ; 

A  pale  little  man  with  a  twinkling  eye, 

And  an  Amazon  standing  his  shoulder  by. 

"  Let  the  charii;e  now  be  read." 

'Tis  done,  quick  as  said. 

"The  jurors  of  this  county  town 

Do,  thro'  their  foreman,  Moses  Brown, 

Charge  and  accuse  that  Henry  Day, 

Uj)ou  the  seventh  of  this  May, 

Not  having  law  before  his  eyes, 

But  urg'd  on  to  the  crying  evil, 

By  sore  seduction  of  the  devil 

(That  hoary  father  of  all  lies). 

Did  bruise  and  wound  and  badly  beat 

His  present  wife,  late  Julia  Sweet, 

And  other  wrongs  to  his  said  mate, 

All  contra  pacem  of  the  State ; 

This  is  the  charge  against  you  brought, 

Day,  is  it  true,  or  is  it  not?" 


Law  of  Husband  and  Wife.  243 

The  captive  spake  :  "I  own  the  strife, 
I  don't  deny  1  struck  my  wife, 
And  for  that  part,  where  you  aver, 
The  devil  did  my  spirit  stir, 
'Tis  true — for  I  was  mov'd  by  her; 
Tlie  dying  sinner's  wildest  groans 
Are  music,  to  her  gentlest  tones. 
And  for  her  blows — alas,  my  bones ! 
Well,  let  it  pass — perhaps  'twas  wrong, 
But  I  had  borne  her  curses  long. 
And  I  am  weak,  and  she  is  strong. 
Let  that  too  pass — I've  done  my  best. 
My  counsel  there  must  say  the  rest." 

The  pris'ner  ceas'd.     His  counsel  rose,  -^ 
He  smoothed  his  hair,  he  blew  his  nose, 
Then  spake  he :  "If  your  honor  please, 
The  points  that  mark  this  case  arc  these. 
This  man  has  been  from  the  beginning 
Hather  more  sinn'd  against  than  sinning ; 
'Tis  hard  to  bear  a  woman's  strife, 
E'en  if  that  woman  be  vour  wife ; 
'Tis  hard  to  have  a  wife  at  all, 
Yet  not  for  that  your  grace,  I  call ; 
If  we  admit  the  deed  was  done. 
Yet  man  and  wife  are  only  one ; 


244  Law  of  Husband  and  Wife. 

And  though  weVe  read  of  many  a  fool, 
Train'd  uj^  in  superstition's  school, 
Wlio  j^enance  for  his  errors  found 
In  many  a  self-inflicted  wound, 
Yet  in  no  court  beneath  the  sun 
Hath  he  for  that  more  penance  done ; 
Tho'  we  despise  the  stupid  elf, 
He  has  aright  to  whip  himself." 
He  ceas'd.     'Tis  far  the  safest  way 
AVhen  one  has  nothino-  left  to  sav. 


o 


Uj)  rose  the  counsel  for  the  State, 
And  thus  kept  up  the  sage  debate : 
"  My  learned  brother's  legal  ground 
Is  far  more  specious,  sir,  than  sound, 
'Tis  true,  so  doth  the  proverb  run, 
That  "  man  and  wife  are  only  one," 
But  'tis  a  fiction  of  the  law, 
Not  meant  to  cover  baron's  flaw. 
Suppose  in  matrimonial  strife 
That  A  should  stab  and  slay  his  wife, 
My  learned  brother  must  agree 
That  this  is  not/e/c*  de  se  ; 
The  facts  are  own'd — the  law  is  clear, 
And  he  his  j^unishment  must  bear." 


X,uxi3  of  Husband  and  W/fc.  24'> 

Now  speaks  the  judge,  in  accents  loud  and  clear, 

Whilst  not  anotlier  sound  disturbs  the  list'ning  ear. 

"  I'll  not  detain  ihe  jury  long  ; 

The  counsel  is  both  right  and  wrong. 

If  any  ill  the  wife  hath  done, 

The  man  is  fin'd — for  they  are  one  ; 

If  any  crime  the  man  doth  do, 

Still  he  is  fin'd — for  they  are  two; 

The  rule  is  hard,  it  is  confessed, 

It  can't  be  helped — lex  ita  est^ 

'Let  the  passage  be  cleared." 
The  crowd  disappear'd. 
"Now  call  me  t'^e  chief  of  the  bailiffs  here; 
Sheriff,  let  it  be  thy  care. 
That  this  jury  do  not  see 
Food  or  drink  'till  they  agree ; 
(Woe  to  thee,  if  but  one  word 
From  other  lips  by  them  is  heard.) 
Be  it  thine  especial  charge 
That  they  go  no  more  at  large 
Until  they  notify  to  thee 
That  in  this  matter  they  agree. 
Go,  if  thou  abuse  thy  power. 
Thy  fate  is  fix'd  this  very  hour ! " 


::'4G  L'lio  of  Husband  and  Wife, 

'Tis  ten ; 

Once  more  I  sought  that  hall, 

The  judge  look'd  cross — the  bailiffs  crabbed, 

The  clerk  and  sheriff  almost  rabid, 

For  why  ?     They  had  not  slept  at  all : 

And  he,  the  chief  of  the  bailiffs  there. 

Who  had  taken  the  jury  under  his  care, 

Look'd  thirsty  and  vex'd  as  a  wounded  bear. 

O,  if  the  mother,  that  man  that  bore 

Had  seen  him  there  at  that  jury  door, 

She  never  had  known  her  offspring  more. 

What  sound  comes  forth  from  the  jury  room, 

Is  it  a  curse. 

Or  something  worse. 

Or  some  poor  devil  bewailing  his  doom ; 

Or  can  it  be  the  fearful  cry 

Of  hungry  juror's  agony  ? 

'Tis  whisper'd  around, 

That  no  verdict  is  found, 

That  the  jury  in  vain  have  sought  to  agree. 

That  some  think  her  as  much  to  blame  as  he, 

And  both  to  blame  exceedingly. 

I  came  away. 

Thro'  that  justice  door, 


JLaw  of  Husband  and  Wife. 


247 


I've  never  seen  Day, 

From  that  time  more  ; 

I  would  not  be  willing  to  say  or  swear, 

That  those  bailiffs  and  jurors  are  not  still  there; 

But  this  I  can  tell, 

For  I  know  it  fall  well, 

That  when  last  thro'  that  justice  hall  I  pass'd, 

The  jury  their  food  and  drink  were  missing, 

While  the  made-up  pair  were  feasting  and  kissing.^ 


MOEAL    AXD    SEQUEL. 

Jove  laughs  at  lovers'  vows  and  shame, 
And  men  had  better  do  the  same.^ 


248  Cooper  vs.  Bloodgood, 


COOPER    F.^.  BLOODGOOD. 

32  N".  J.  Eq.  209. 

Cooper  foreclosed  a  mortgage  made  by  Bloodgood 
upon  land, 

A  part  whereof  was  river  bank^  and  part  was  tidal 
strand. 

Complainant's  assignor  conveyed,  by  deed  of  war- 
ranty 

And  covenant,  that  he  had  full  right  to  grant  the 
same  in  fee. 

And  make  the  title  to  extend  to  mean  low-water 
mark ; 

And  so  such  deed  was  drawn  uj)  by  the  scrivener 
or  his  clerk. 

This  was  infringing  State  domain,  because,  as  you 
can  see, 

The  courts  declared  high-water  line  the  limit  of  the 
fee; 

And  when  the  time  to  answer  came,  why,  the  de- 
fendant, he 

Put  into  the  complainant's  bill  a  Strong  protesting 
plea, 


Cooper  vs.  Bloodgood.  249 

And  said  the  title  was  not  good, to  such  a  part  of 
that 

As  was  but  water  at  high  tide,  at  low  tide  a  mud 
flat. 

He  was  an  oyster  fisherman,  and  bought  the  projDerty 

For  purj^oses  connected  with  that  kind  of  fishery ; 

And  he  had  made  improvements  there,  and  spent  a 
lot  of  ''  tin  " 

In  building  slips  and  wharves  to  keep  his  boats  and 
bivalves  in. 

So  as  his  grantor  had  conveyed  the  waters  of  the 
State, 

He  was  advised  to  go  and  see  the  man  who  was  the 
great, 

Head-centre  of  "  rii^rarian "  rights,  who  told  him 
that  in  law 

His  lunar  title  was  not  worth  an  oyster  shell  or 
straw. 

Then  he  took  out  a  lease,  just  as  ]3rescribed  by  stat- 
ute rule. 

For  w^hich  he  pays  an  annual  rent,  to  help  the  pub- 
lic sehool : 

His  lawyer  told  him  not  to  pay  the  mortgage  he 
had  made. 

Without  offsetting  what  he  had  for  such  improve- 
ments paid; 


250  Cooper  vs.  Bloodgood. 

And  so  ho  did  decline  to  give  complainant  what 

seemed  due 
Upon  the  bond  and  mortgage,  marked  Exhibits  One 

and  Two. 
Wherefore  from  hence  to  be  dismissed,  with  costs, 

he  now  would  pray. 
And  be  deceed  in  equity,  to  go  without  a  day. 

Complainant  urged  defendant  was  an  expert  oyster- 
man. 
And   well   acquainted    with    the    laws   of    rights 

ripari-an. 
Besides,  he  said,  I  have  here  now,  and  show  you, 

worthy  sirs, 
A  license  issued  by  the  board  of  chosen  freehold-ers, 
Being  a  document  herein  of  vital  pith  and  core. 
And  by  the  master  in  this  cause  marked  as  Exhibit 

Four, 
Because  it  was  a  part  of  the  conditions  of  the  sale. 
And  shows  the  tidal  grant  did  not  in  any  aspect  fail ; 
It  was  besides  an  older  grant  than  said  riparian  lease, 
And  fi'om  that  lunar  document  knocked  every  spot 

of  grease. 
From  all  of  which,  complainant  says,  it  plainly  now 

aj^pears 
Defendant  had  the  right  to  build  docks,  wharves, 

and  slips  and  piers. 


Cooper  vs.  £loocIc/ Joc7.  2')1 

And  having  that,  and  knowing  too  just  what  he  was 

about, 
He  cannot  plead  his  mother  did  not  know  that  he 

was  out, 
And  ask  relief  to  free  him  from  the  promise  he  had 

made, 
By  entering  a  decree  herein,  the  debt  should  not  be 

paid. 

The   Chancellor  advisare  vult^  and    then   he  says, 

says  he, 
Flaving  considered,  I  adjudge,  and  order  and  decree, 
Because  from  license,  lease,  and  facts,  it  does  appear 

to  me, 
The  merits,  law,  and  principle,  justice,  and  equity 
Of  this  riparian,  lunar  case  are  with  the  mortgagee. 
And  by  assignment  appertain  unto  his  assignee. 
As  vide  same  marked   in  this  cause   Exhibit   No. 

Three ; 
Defendant  was  fumiliar  with  riparian  tidal  right, 
And  knew  2^1'ecisely  what  he  took  with  land  her- 
maphrodite ; 
All  which  appearing  very  plain  and  free  from  any 

doubt. 
My  judgment  in   the   matter  is — defendant   must 
shell  out. 


252  Cooper  vs.  Ijloodgood. 

The  lawyers  got  their  costs,  and  the  complainant 

got  the  land, 
And  still  a  part  is  river  bank,  and   part   is   tidal 

strand  ; 
And  standing  on  the  bluff  you  see  the  sea  at  Sandy 

Hook 
Across  the  waters,  out  of  which  the  oyster-fish  are 

took. 
Hence  oyster  fisherman  may  learn  this  lesson  from 

the  rule, 
Don't  take  out  a  riparian  lease,  and  don't  be  such 

a  fool 
To  pay  an  annual  interest  to  State  or  public  school. 
Until   you    are    quite    certain,    and    each     surely 

re-mem-bers 
No  license  had   been  issued   by  the  chosen  fi'ee- 

holders ; 
For  if  you  do  the  two  will  cost  in  rent  and  taxes 

double, 
And  lease  and  license  roll  on  you  a  tidal  wave  of 

trouble, 
Lawyers  will  get  the  oyster,  and  it  will  be  mighty 

well 
If  you  get  one,  and  t'other  man  the  other  oyster 

shell. 


Croft  vs.  JBoite.  253 


CEAFT    VS.   BOITE. 

LoNDOX,  to  wit :  Hereby  complains 
One  Joseph  Craft,  a  clerk  in  orders, 

Of  Joseph  Boite,  in  custody 

Within  the  marshal's  bounds  and  borders. 

For  Craft,  a  worthy  man  is  he; 

A  loyal  subject  always  reckoned, 
Both  of  the  Lord  King  Charles  the  First, 

And  of  the  Lord  Kino:  Charles  the  Second. 


o 


Unhurt,  untouched,  immaculate, 
A  man  renowned  for  godly  labors, 

Good,  honest,  ^^ious,  faithful,  true, 
He  had  the  love  of  all  his  neio-hbors. 


'to' 


And  eke  by  venerable  folk 

Esteemed  he  was  of  good  condition  ; 
And  as  to  theft  and  felony. 

Devoid  of  blame,  above  suspicion. 

Yea,  more :  great  gains  he  daily  had. 

And  profits  highly  advantageous  ; 

(Indeed,  to  slander  such  a  man 

Would  be  appallingly  outrageous.) 
22 


254  Craft  vs.  Boitc. 

Yet  him  contriving  to  defame, 

Though  all  the  premises  well  knowing, 

Came  Joseph  Boite,  this  righteous  clerk 
Into  contempt  in  public  throwing. 

Loud  in  the  English  tongue  he  spoke, 
With  voice  enough  to  raise  a  Quaker: 

"  Saw'st  ever  such  a  thievish  rogue 
As  young  Joe  Craft,  tho  silver-taker  ?  " 

And  then,  with  index-digit  raised, 

"  See  there  !  to  my  most  certain  knowledge 
He  stole  two  hundred  pounds  of  j)late — 

Did  Joseph  Craft  from  Wadham  College  !  " 

And  once  again  in  London  town 
(The  repetition  sadly  shocks  one): 

"There  never  was  a  thievish  rogue 

Like  Joseph  Craft,  of  Wadham,  Oxon!" 

Whereas,  the  thing  was  false  and  feigned, 

A  scandalous  insinuation, 
Whereby  the  plaintiff  is  annoyed 

And  injured  in  his  reputation. 

And  divers  subjects  of  the  king. 
Supposing  him  bereft  of  piety. 


I 

i 


Craft  vs.  JBoite.  205 

Have  now  withdrawn,  and  more  and  more 
Withdraw  themselves  from  his  society. 

*  TV  tT  Tt  T? 

And  now  when  Hilary  is  past, 

Tiie  days  of  his  imparlance  endiug, 

To  AYestminster  came  Joseph  Boite, 
The  wrong  and  injury  defending. 

For  since  the  words  he  spoke  were  all 

As  true  as  any  text  in  Bible, 

Because  the  plaintiff  stole  the  plate, 

There  could  not  be  a  civil  libel. 
****** 

And  Craft,  for  replication,  says 

Defendant  spoke  these  words  misleading 
Of  his  own  wrong,  without  sucli  cause 

As  he  (said  Boite)  alleged  in  pleading. 

What  was  the  tale  about  the  plate  ? 

From  first  to  last  a  fabrication. 

It  was  a  scandal  false  and  famed, 

A  lie  without  the  least  foundation. 
***** 

Within  a  month  of  Easter-tide, 

In  ermined  pomp,  his  rank  befitting, 

The  well-belov'd  John  Kelynge,  Knight, 
Was  in  the  chair  of  judgment  sitting. 


256  Craft  vs.  Doite. 

And  now,  in  conscious  justice,  Craft 
"Was  waiting  for  his  credit's  clearance; 

But  wicked  Boite,  in  solemn  form 

Though  thrice  invoked,  made  no  apj^earance. 

Wherefore  the  plaintiff  soon  was  seen 
As  proud  and  gay  as  Harry  Percy, 

With  damages  and  costs  in  pouch ; 

'<  And  the  said  Joseph  Boite  in  mercy.'' 


PuiicfCs  Law  Reports.  257 


PITCH'S   LAW  REPORTS. 

The  Great  Ham  Case.— Regina  v.  Gallaks. 

The  case  it  was  this :  There  was  tried  at  the  Ses- 
sions 
A  prisoner,  guilty  of  clivers  transgressions  ; 
And  wishing  at  last  for  a  relishing  cram, 
His  career  he  had  finished  by  stealing  a  ham. 
At  the  trial  objection  was  made — that  the  joint 
Had  been  badly  described — and  reserved  was  the 

j)oint. 
For  the  prisoner  :  Hexxikee  rose  in  his  place, 
To  contend  the  proceedings  were  bad  on  their  face. 
He  urged  "that  the  article  now  in  disj)ute 
Had  been  very  likely  a  bit  of  a  brute, 
An  animal, /"c^rce  naturm^  whose  hocks 
Had  been  made  into  ham  (see  the  Queen  versus 

Cox), 
Where  some  eggs  had  been  stolen,  and  there  'twas 

laid  down,     - 
The  indictment  was  bad  on  the  part  of  the  Crown, 
Because  of  the  eggs  'twas  not  plainly  averr'd. 
Whether  those  of  a  crocodile,  adder,  or  bird." 
Per  Pollock,  Chief  Baron :  "  The  question  one  begs. 
In  refusing  to  recognize  eggs,  sir,  as  eggs; 


258  Punches  Law  Reports . 

I'm  convinced  such  objection  cculcl  never  be  made 
As  to  hold  that  an  q^^  was  improperly  laid." 
Per  Pattersox,  Justice  :  "  The  point  I  see  well, 
For  the  whole  of  the  argument  lies  in  the  shell." 
But  suppose  with  the   eggs  there  had  been  an  as- 
sault, 
Will  you  venture  to  tell  us  that  justice  must  halt 
If  the  egg's  undescribed  ?     On  your  law  I  can't  flat- 
ter ye ; 
To  call  it  an  ^^^  is  sufficient  in  battery." 
Per  Platt,  Puisne  Baron :  "  Suppose,  for  a  change, 
An  epicure  fancies  a  dish  somewhat  strange- 
And  orders  the  ham  of  a  fox  or  a  rat, 
There'd  then  be  a  proj^erty  surely  in  that  ?  " 
Me.  Hexniker  humbly  submitted  that  dogs. 
Whom   he  ventured  to  couple,  in  this  case,  with 

hogs 
(He  made  no  reflection,  and  wished  not  to  pass  axiy). 
Had  become  very  recently  subjects  of  larceny. 
Per  Platt:  "  But  the  law,  sir,  had  always  its  eye 
On  a  toad  in  the  hole,  or  a  dog  in  a  pie." 
The  learned  Chief  Baron  conferred  with  the  judges, 
Who  declared  the  objection  the  j^oorest  of  fudges. 
The  pris'ner's  conviction  accordingly  stood ; 
The   ham  and  indictment   were  both  pronounced 
good. 


Lewis  vs.  State.  259 


LEWIS    VS.  STATE. 

Syllabus. 

Law — Paio — Guilt —  WilU 

"When  upon  tliy  frame  the  hiw 
Places  its  majestic  paw, 
Though  in  innocence  or  guilt, 
Thou  art  then  required  to  wilt. 

STATEMENT    OF    CASE    BY    KEPORTER. 

This  defendant,  while  at  large, 
Was  arrested  on  a  charge 
Of  burglarious  intent, 
And  direct  to  jail  he  went. 
But  he  somehow  felt  misused, 
And  through  prison  walls  he  oozed. 
And  in  some  unheard-of  sha2De 
He  effected  his  escape. 

Mark  you,  now  :  Again  the  law 
On  defendant  placed  its  paw, 
Like  a  hand  of  iron  mail. 
And  resocked  him  into  jail — 
Which  said  jail,  while  so  corralled, 
He  by  sockage,  tenure  held. 


200  Leiois  vs.  State. 

Then  the  Court  met,  and  they  tried 
Lewis  up  and  down  each  side, 
On  the  good  old-fashioned  lAnn  ; 
But  the  jury  cleared  the  man. 

ISTow,  you  think  that  this  strange  case 
Ends  at  just  about  this  place. 
iVay,  ?wt  so.     Again  the  law 
On  defendant  placed  its  paw. 
This  time  takes  him  round  the  cape 
For  effecting  an  escape ; 
He,  unable  to  give  bail, 
Goes  reluctantly  to  jail. 

Lewis,  tried  for  this  last  act, 
Makes  a  special  plea  of  fact : 
''Wrongly  did  they  me  arrest, 
As  my  trial  did  attest. 
And  while  rightfully  at  large. 
Taken  on  a  wrons^ful  charixe 
I  took  back  from  them  what  thev 
From  me  wrongly  took  away." 

When  this  special  plea  was  heard 
Thereupon  the  State  demurred. 

The  defendant  then  was  pained 
When  the  Court  was  heard  to  sav. 


Lewis  vs.  State.  2G1 

In  a  cold,  impassive  way, 
"  The  demurrer  is  sustained." 

Back  to  jail  did  Lewis  go, 
But  as  liberty  was  dear. 
He  appeals,  and  now  is  here 
To  reverse  the  judge  below. 
The  opinion  will  contain 
All  the  statements  that  remain. 

AEGTIMENT   AND    BRIEF    OF   APPELLANT. 

As  a  matter,  sir,  of  fact, 

Who  was  injured  by  our  act, 

Any  property,  or  man  ? 

Point  it  out,  sir,  if  you  can. 

Can  you  seize  us  when  at  large. 

On  a  baseless,  trumped-up  charge;  i 

And  if  we  escape,  then  say 

It  is  crime  to  get  away — 

When  we  rightfully  regain'd 

What  was  wrongfully  obtained  ? 

Please — the — Court — sir,  what  is  crime  ? 
What  is  right,  and  what  is  wrong  ? 
Is  our  freedom  but  a  song, 
Or  the  subject  of  a  rhyme? 


2G2  Lewis  vs.  State. 

ARGUilEXT   AND   BEIEF    OP   ATTORNEY    FOR    THE 

STATE. 

When  the  State,  that  is  to  say. 
We  take  liberty  away — 
"When  the  j^acUock  and  the  hasp 
Leaves  one  helpless  iu  our  grasp 
It's  unlawful  then  that  he 
Even  dreams  of  liberty — 
Wicked  dreams  that  may  in  time 
Grow  and  ripen  into  crime — 
Crime  of  dark  and  damning  shape  ; 
Then,  if  he  perchance  escape, 
Evermore  remorse  will  roll 
O'er  his  shattered,  sin-sick  soul. 
Please — the — Court — sir,  how  can  we, 
Manage  people  who  get  free  ? 


REPLY    OF    appellant. 


Please— the — Court — sir,  if  it's  siii^ 
Where  does  turpitude  begin  ? 

OPINION    OF    THE    COURT.      PER   CURIAM. 

We — don't — make — law :  we  are  bound 
To  interpret  it  as  found. 


Lewis  'OS.  /State.  263 

The  defendant  broke  away  : 
When  arrested,  he  should  stay. 

This  aj^peal  can't  be  maintained, 
For  the  record  does  not  show 
Error  in  the  Court  below. 

And  we  nothing  can  infer. 
Let  the  judgment  be  sustained : 

All  the  justices  concur. 

NOTE    BY    THE    EEPOETEE. 

Of  the  Sheriff,  rise  and  sing, 
"  Glory  to  our  earthly  King !  " 


264  Kulin  et  al.  vs.  Jewett.  Receiver 


i 


KUim  ET  AL.    VS.  JEWETT,   Receiver. 

32  N.  J.  Eq.  647. 

The  shades  of  night  were  falling  fast. 
As  o'er  the  Erie  Railroad  passed 
A  locomotive,  laden  down 
With  crude  petroleum,  near  the  town 

Of  Paterson. 

A  i^iercing  shriek,  a  blinding  flash, 
And  then  ati  instantaneous  crash — 
Two  trains  collided — down  the  banks 
The  oil  was  emptied  from  the  tanks 

Immediately. 

The  oil  igniting,  sparkling,  flowed 
Down  the  embankment,  across  the  road, 
Into  a  bubbling  brook  that  pours 
Its  waters  on  the  fertile  shores 

Of  the  Passaic. 

The  barn  of  the  complainants  stood 
Beside  this  unheroic  flood. 
And  thus  the  floating  flames  of  fire 
Consumed  it,  and  produced  a  dire 

Calamity. 


Kalin  ct  al.  vs.  Jewett,  Receiver.  ^2,Q>^ 

His  Honor,  the  Yice-Chancellor,  says 
That  if  a  devastating  blaze 
Is  negligently  started,  still 
Defendant  is  responsible 

In  damages. 

If  no  obstructions  intervene, 
As  a  new  agency,  between  ' 
The  cause  and  its  effect,  as  here ; 
This  rule  is  singularly  clear 

And  logical. 


23 


2G6  CusJiing  vs.  Blcike. 


CUSIimG    Fas'.   BLAKE 

29  N.  J.  Eq.  399;  SO  N.  J.  Eq.  G89. 

Sir  Makmaduke,  about  to  wed, 
Some  profitable  lands  conveyed 

In  trust  unto  Antonio, 

To  hold  them  for  his  sj^ouse's  aid. 

To  give  unto  her  separate  use 
Their  issues  and  emoluments, 

Their  profits,  perquisites,  proceeds, 
And  all  their  revenue  and  rents. 

And  for  a  further  trust  convey- 
To  whomsoever  she'd  require. 

By  writing  in  her  life,  or  else 
By  testament  should  she  expire ; 

No  disposition  being  made 
By  writing  or  by  testament. 

To  go  unto  her  heirs  at  law 
As  per  the  statutes  of  descent. 

Sir  Marmaduke  was  wed,  but  lo! 

The  lady  of  his  love  declined, 
And  died  possessed  of  all  her  lands. 

But  left  a  baby  boy  behind. 


Gushing  vs.  Blake.  267 

Sir  Marmaduke  now  filed  a  bill, 
And  the  Chancellor  held,  in  his  decree, 

The  estate  of  Mrs.  Marmaduke 
An  equitable  one  in  fee. 

The  trust  was  executed,  not 

A  trust  executory,  so 
The  rule  in  Shelley's  case  directs 

The  manner  that  the  lands  shall  go. 

And  on  appeal,  the  Court  above 
Affirmed  the  Chancellor's  decree, 

And  so  Sir  Marmaduke  obtained 
His  equitable  courtesy. 


268  Commonwealth  vs.  McAfee. 


COMMONWEALTH  VS.  McAFEE. 

108  Mass.  458. 

Hugh  McAfee,  of  Boston  town, 

Claimed,  that,  at  common  law, 
He  had  the  right,  when  she  was  drunk, 

To  beat  his  wife  therefor. 
As  a  defense,  he  claimed  it, 

Uj^on  his  trial  day. 
And  swore  liis  wife  was  insolent. 
And  when  he  struck,  he  never  meant 

To  take  her  life  away. 

Then  out  spake  Reuben  Chapman, 

Chief  Justice  of  the  Court : 
''To  every  woman  in  this  State 

Life  may  be  long  or  short; 
But  while  I  hold  this  office. 

No  woman  in  this  land 
Shall  lawfully  be  beaten 

By  her  husband's  brutal  hand." 

Hugh  McAfee,  the  husband,  was 
Convicted  of  manslaughter ; 

And  thus  the  everlasting  right, 
To  every  wife  and  daughter, 


Opinion  of  the  Justices,  2G9 

By  brave  old  Reuben  Chapman's  act, 

Was  given  en  that  day, 
To  get  drunk  and  be  insolent, 

Free  from  a  husband's  sway. 


OPINION  OF  JUSTICES. 

lOG  Mass.  604. 

Woman  !  thy  mission  is  to  please : 
Not  to  be  Justice  of  the  Peace  ; 
Content  with  what  the  laws  allow. 
A  school-committee  woman  thou ! 


270 


Luther  vs.  Worcester. 


LUTHER    VS.  WORCESTER. 

97  Mass.  272. 

Ix  Worcester,  when  the  sun  was  low, 
Trodden  in  ridges  lay  the  snow  ; 
Across  the  walk  he  tried  to  sro. 
But  fell,  tho'  walking  carefully. 

Had  Luther  seen  another  sight. 
Of  sidewalk  smooth  with  ice  that  night. 
Without  a  ridge  thereon,  he  might 
Have  suffered,  without  remedy. 

The  Court  this  plain  distinction  draw : 
"  When  ice  and  snow,  by  natural  law, 
Are  slippery  found  before  your  door, 
You  fall — the  town's  not  liable. 

"  But  when  by  man  they're  trodden  down 
In  ridges,  or  an  icy  crown, 
You,  falling  then,  can  sue  the  town, 
And  get  your  heavy  damages." 


The  Lad  frae  Cockpen.  271 


THE   LAD   FRAE   COCKPE:Nr. 

'TwAS  a  lad  frae  Cockpen ;  he  was  proud  and  was 

great, 
His  mind  was  ta'en  up  wi'  the  married  estate, 
He  had  but  ae  wife,  so  he  wanted  anither, 
For  he   said   his   auld  wife   might   be   ahnost  his 

mither. 

So  he  met  wi'  a  lass,  did  this  lad  frae  Cockpen, 
And  what  was  his  errand  he  soon  let  her  ken  ; 
The  answer  she  gied  it  is  easy  to  guess, 
She  swithered  a  wee,  and  then  she  said,  "Yes." 

This  young  Irish  lass  (she  was  Irish,  ye  see), 
To  gie  her  due  credit  she  swithered  a  wee ; 
It's  a  trick  of  the  trade  iust  to  tickle  the  men. 
It's  a  way  they've  in  Ireland  as  weel  as  Cockpen. 

This  new-married  j^air  dwelt  in  the  Green  Isle, 
And  happy  they  lived  there — at  least  for  a  while. 
Till  the  thing  spunkit  out — it's  a  way  it  has,  then 
Who  appears  on  the  scene  but  the  wife  frae  Cock- 
pen. 


272  The  Lad  frae  Cockpen. 

He  was  ta'en  up  and   tried  'fore  the  wise   Baron 

Deasy, 
And  at  first  he  took  it  remarkably  aisy ; 
But  he  got  his  five  years,  and  'twas  added  that  ten 
Would  be  little  enough  for  this  lad  frae  Cockpen. 

Then  (of  course)  he  was  seized  wi'  a  sudden  remorse, 

Said,  "  I'd  raither  been  tried  by  the  Laird  of  Glen- 
corse  "  j 

And  he  sighed  in  his  cell,  where  there's  nae  but 
and  ben, 

''I  was  daft  to  desert  my  auld  wife  in  Cockpen." 


Kerr  us.  Kerr.  273 


OWEN    KERR    VS.  OWEN  KERR. 

If  the  strife  in  this  case  is  extremely  perverse, 
'Tis  because  'tis  between  a  couple  of  "  Kerrs." 
Each  Owen  is  owin' — but  here  lies  the  bother : 
To  determine  which  Owen  is  owin'  the  other. 
Each  Owen  swears  Owen  to  Owen  is  owin', 
And  each  alike  certain,  dog-matic,  and  knowin' ; 
But  'tis  hoped  that  the  jury  will  not  be  deterred 
From   finding  which   "Kerr"  the   true   debt  has 

incurred ; 
Thus  settling  which  Owen  by  owirl^  has  failed, 
And  that  justice  'twixt  curs  has  not  been  curtailed. 


274 .  Tuff  vs.  Warman, 


CONTRIBUTORY  NEGLIGENCE. 

Tuff  v.  Warman,  5  C.  B.  K  S.  573. 

IxGENUOUS  student,  who  with  curious  eye 

Would  trace  the  tang^ied  threads  of  thoucrht  that  lie 

Involved  in  oracles  of  Tuff  and  Warman^ 

Hear,  on  that  well-thumb'd  text,  a  homely  sermon. 

The  text,  though    cumbered  much  with  clause  on 

clause. 
Reads  fairly  plain,  till  near  an  end  it  draws  ; 
But  at  the  end,  through  devious  ways,  we  come 
To  rule  that  gravels  pleaders,  all  and  some. 
Here  "Wightman,  Justice,  tells  us,  in  effect, 
Plaintiff  stands  none  the  worse  of 's  own  neglect, 
If  but  Defendant,  when  default  is  made. 
Its  consequences  could  with  care  evade. 
The  canon  at  first  blush  reads  all  too  wide, 
Unless  a  triple  caution  be  supplied  ; 
Which  to  supply,  and  point  you  out  the  ^vay, 
To  fiud  where  wanted,  here,  in  loyal  lay, 
Contributory  Negligence  I  sing, 
The  rule  of  Law,  and  reason  of  the  thing. 

Both  are  in  fault:  else — 'tis  a  simple  story— 
The  neofli^ence  were  not  contributory. 


Tuff  vs.  Warman.  275 

Then,  either  both  have  been  in  fault  together, 

Or  else  the  one's  in  fault  before  the  other. 

If  both  together,  neither  bears  the  blame  ; 

The  wrongs  concurrent,  and  the  rights  the  same ; 

If  fault  of  one,  the  other's  fault  precede  ; 

He  pays  the  penalty :  unless,  indee J, 

The  other,  bv  some  little  common  sense. 

Could  shun  that  first  misconduct's  consequence.' 

Say,  I  lie  drunk,  a  trespasser  besides, 

On  Marcus''  avenue  ;  and  Marcus  rides 

Or  stumbles  o'er  me;  still,  first  question  is 

(Be  it  the  broken  bones  are  mine  or  his), 

Could  Marcus^  by  an  ordinary  care, 

Have  shunned  the  danger,  and  so  gone  elsewhere  ? 

If  2/6«,  he  pays  me  for  ray  hurt ;  altho' 

I  was  in  act  the  first  to  blame ;  if  710, 

Since  but  for  me  he  ne'er  had  been  o'erthrown, 

I  pay  him  for  his  hurt  and  bear  my  own. 

What,  then,  whene'er  by  night  I  walk  or  ride, 
Must  I  a  link-boy  or  a  scout  provide, 
Lest  Davies''  donkey  in  my  patli  should  roll,! 
Or  Forrester  have  left  his  l)uilding  pole^ 

1  Davies  v.  Mann,  10  "Si.  &  ^V.  546. 

2  Butterfield  v.  Forrester,  11  East.  GO. 


27  G  l^'^'^ff  ^5'  War  man. 

To  trip  me  up  ?  nay,  Law  was  never  heard 
To  sanction  charge  of  caution  so  absurd. 
I  must  not,  if  I'd  not  be  brought  to  book, 
Run  blind -man's  muck,  and  leap  before  I  look ; 
(Though  some  that  leap'd  and  never  looked,  have 

found 
A  verdict  'twixt  the  foot-board  and  the  ground  ;)3 
But  if  with  eye-sight  such  as  blessed  withal, 
I  keep  my  head  from  contact  with  the  wall 
By  ordinary  care,  the  law  demands 
No  weightier  charge  of  caution  at  my  hands. 
But  say  I'm  blind ;  or  one  of  tender  years, 
Insensible  to  age's  prudent  fears? 
Your  case  thereby  nor  better  is  nor  worse. 
Your  leader  answers  for  you,  or  your  nurse.4 

Of  these  collateral  moot-j^oints  enough  : 
Return  we  now  to   Warraan  versus  Tuff^ 
The  judgment's  truly  neither  less  nor  more 
Than,  done  in  dogg'rel,  is  set  down  before ; — • 
One's  first  in  fault ;  then,  could  the  other  one 
That  fault's  effects  hj  commoji  caution  shun  ? 
But  there  you  stop;  else,  caught  in  Pleader's  Pound. 
Each  cries,  Ta  quoque!  in  an  endless  round. 

3  Scott  V.  Dublin  &  Wicklow  Ry.  Co.  11  W.  C.  L.  U.  377. 

4  Lynch  v.  Nurdin,  4  P.  &  D.  672.     Waite  v.  Nth.  Lu.  Ky. 
Gov.  1  El.  B.  &  E.  719. 


Tuff  vs.  Warman.  211 

As,  say,  that  when,  a  log,  in  Marcus'  way 

Ey  Avant  of  ordinary  care  I  lay, 

Marcus  athwart  me  falling  breaks  his  head. 

And  brings  his  suit;  if,  in  defense,  'tis  said, 

'  You  might  have  shunned  me,  had  you  used  your 

eyes  " ; 
And  Marcus  then  with  Wightman,  J.,  replies, 
"  And  you  shunned  me/"  the  altercation  tends 
To  circular  dispute  that  never  ends.^ 
Or,  say  two  runners,  each  a  careless  spark, 
Have  clashed  their  heads  together  in  the  dark ; 
It  lies  not  in  the  mouth  of  one  to  say, 
"  Sir,  you  by  caution  could  have  kept  away, 
And  so  I  had  not  dashed  and  lost  my  tootli 
'Gainst  your    os frontis^^ ;  for  the  other  youth 
With  equal  justice  may  in  turn  reply, 
"  Nor  had  Z  dashed  'gainst  yours^  and  lost  my  eye." 
For  here  the  active  fault  of  both  concurr'd, 
And  left  to  neither,  in  the  law,  a  word> 
Or  say  two  barges  insecurely  moor'd 
Drift  in  a  stream,  vvdtb  neither  crew  on  board ; 
Borne  in  an  eddy  of  the  wind  or  tide, 
The  barques  approach,  and  with  a  crash  collide ; 
J/y  planks  stove  in  afford  as  little  room 
For  just  complaint,  as  does  your  broken  boom. 
For  here  the  passive  fault  of  both  together 
Has  shut  the  mouth  of  each  against  the  other.T^ 

24  ^ 


278  T^iff  vs.  Warman. 

But  two,  each  so  in  fault,  will  yield  no  more 
Predicaments  of  blame,  but  only  four;^ 
And  Wightman's  canon,  as  above  we  see, 
Holds  not  of  these,  in  categories  three ; 
.Wherefore  his  "  Plaintiff's  non-disabling  fault  " 
Must  needs  be  taken  with  three  grains  of  salt. 
And  limited  to  that  one  category. 
Where  Plaintiff 's  fault's  the  first  contributory. 
As  if,  say  last,  when  Marcus  o'er  me  rode, 
Broad  daylight  had  the  present  danger  show'd, 
And  I,  as  plaintiff,  my  crushed  ribs  had  mourn'd 
Whereto  "  Tu  quoqiie""  Marcus  had  returned. 
Then,  in  that  case,  but  in  that  only  one, 
May  I  reply  as  Wightman,  J.,  has  done, 
*•  True,  'twas  my  first  default  that  brought  me  there, 
But  you,  good  Marcus^  could,  with  common  care. 
Have  shunned  me  where  I  lay,  and  in  that  state 
Of  things,  'tis  lawful  to  recriminate.  ^ 

By  Wightman's  judgment,  then,  'twas  never  meant 
That  Plaintiff's  negligence  should  not  prevent 
Plaintiff 's  success,  in  any  of  the  three 
Firstly  above-^ut  cases :  Wherefore,  ye 


!„  ,  I  Botli  active.-^ 

Concurrent,  }  j^^^i^  passive.B 

^    (  Plff.  act.;  dft.  pass.c 
]S  on-concurrent,  \  p^ff  pass. :  dft!  act.^ 


Tuff  vs.  Warmcui.  279 

Who  scan  that  clause  so  oft  misunderstood, 
Read,  "If  defendant  by  due  caution  could 
(  When  Plaintiff  has  been  first  to  hlame^  in  fact) 
Have  shunned  the  consequence  of  Phiintiff's  act, 
The  Plaintiff  shall  not  thereby  be  undone." 
So  shall  the  Law  and  Judgment  be  at  one. 


280  HopUns  vs.  W.  P.  11  li,  Co. 


HOPKINS  VS.  AY.  P.  R.  It.  CO. 

"  Cacata  cliarta." — Catullus. 

In"  Stockton  town  did  plaintiff  bold 

A  tract  of  land  in  fee. 
And  on  it,  in  a  goodly  house, 

Dwelt  with  his  family. 
Thought  he,  "  Though  but  to  utter  edge 

Doth  run  this  lot  of  mino, 
Yet  do  I  own  the  street  unto 

The  highway's  middle  line.'^  ^ 

So  at  his  gate  if  idler  stayed, 

Or  small  boy  paused  to  scoff. 
Secure  in  his  allodial  rights. 

The  ])laintiff  warned  them  off. 
And  when  the  shades  of  evening  fell, 

With  hose  and  spanner  gay. 
He  strode  before  his  castle  gate, 

And  flooded  all  the  way.^ 

1  See  sec.  1113,  Civil  Code;  see  also  Waslibuva  on  Real 
Property,  vol.  iii.  p.  420  et  seq.  ;  also  Washburn,  Easements 
and  Servitudes,  p.  228. 

2  The  reader  will  note  with  i>leasure  the  deft  manner  in 
which  the  poet  has  set  forth  the  customary  seignorial  acts 
done  by  the  freeholder  upon  his  land.  Is  there  any  right  en- 
joyed by  the  average  citizen  with  more  zest  than  that  of  wet- 


Uophins  vs.  W.  P.  R.  It.   Co.  281 

O,  baj^py  is  that  baron's  soul 

Who  liath  both  feme  and  home  ! 
O,  happy  such  abode  where  naught 

Of  force  or  wrong  may  come  ! 
Secure  the  proud  freeholder  sits, 

Seized  as  of  his  demesne — 
(At  least,  where'er  the  common  law, 

As  here,  doth  most  obtain).-^ 

He  knoweth  joys  that  ne'er  can  know 

The  poor,  wayfaring  man, 
Sojourning  here  and  there  in  spots, 

'ISTeath  landlords'  grievous  ban — 
His  lares  ever  packed  in  trunks, 

His  journey  never  done ; 
But  like  ^neas — wretched  fate ! — 

Forever  "  movino:  on."  ^ 


o 


ting  down  the  street?  The  old  privileges  of  haute  et  basso 
justice,  cular/ivm,  marchetum,  etc.,  etc.,  as  enjoyed  by  the  no- 
blesse in  old  daj^s  (see  Droit  du  Seigneur),  are  nothing  as  com- 
pared to  the  modern  luxury  of  turning  the  hose  upon  the  arid 
highway. 

1  It  is  needless  to  point  out  to  the  learned  reader  that  every 
householdiug  citizen  in  the  United  States  is  or  ought  to  be  a 
baron;  although  in  California,  out  of  delicate  reverence  to 
the  departed  glory  of  the  Spanish  sway,  we  might  spell  it 
varon.     Of  course  every  baron  should  have  a  castle. 

2  If  the  poet  here  had  in  his  mind  the  good  old  hymn — 

"  No  foot  of  land  do  I  possess, 
No  cottage  hi  this  wilderness— 
A  poor  wayfarin;^  man  "— 

he  will  be  pardoned  his  evident  plagiarism. 


282  HoxjUns  vs.  W.  P.  JR.  B.   Co. 

So  weened  the  plaintiff  at  his  ease, 

As  tlirough  his  grounds  he  walked, 
And  with  his  sympathizing  spouse 

Confidingly  he  talked. 
Alas  !     But  what  is  happiness  ? 

'Tis  but  a  fleeting  breath ; 
'Tis,  as  the  Grecian  jurist  said, 

Uncertain  eke  to  death.-^ 

For  lo  !     A  railway  company — 

Fierce,  ruthless  men  were  they — 
Came  like  a  scourge,  condemning  lands, 

Demanding  right  of  way. 
And  through  the  street  by  plaintiff 's  liousc 

Their  road-bed  broad  they  laid. 
And  ballast  brought,  and  all  along 

A  steep  embankment  made.^ 

And  that  the  winter  rains  might  have  * 

vSome  proper  aqueduct. 
Beneath  their  road  a  culvert  there 

They  skillfully  construct.  1 


1  It  is  proper  here  to  claim  Solon  as  a  jurist,  although  he 
might  be  ranked  as  poet. 

2  See  sec.  428,  Code  Civil  Procedure,  sub.  4;  sec.  4G5,  Civil 
Code,  sub.  3,  4;  see  also  Southern  Pac.  R.  R.  Co.  v.  Raymond, 
53  Cal.  22G. 


Hopkins  vs.  W.  P.  R.  E.   Co.  283 

'Twas  done :  that  liaunt  of  ancient  peace 

Now  quivers  at  the  train; 
That  once  calm  street  re-echoes  sounds 

That  beat  into  the  brain. 

The  locomotive  wheels  along 

Like  dragon  fierce  of  yore, 
"While  murky  puffs  of  stifling  smoke 

From  out  its  nostrils  pour. 
And  ever  in  the  gladsome  night, 

Its  shriek  breaks  sharply  in. 
As  though  some  Titan  penance  did 

For  old  chaotic  sin. 

'Twas  such  and  many  a  grief  beside 

The  plaintiff  suffered  sore, 
As  by  his  hearth-stone,  ash-besprent, 

A  burdened  life  he  bore. 
If  auorht  couraoreous  could  avail 

His  peace  thus  sadly  vexed — 
But  where  to  seek  a  remedy — 

'Twas  that  his  brain  perplexed. 

For  guileless  heart  the  plaintiff  had, 

Nor  sought  litigious  fame, 
And  ne'er  the  thought  of  writs  or  suits 

In  his  reflections  came. 


284  Hopkins  vs.  W.  P.  11.  R.   Co. 

But  writhing  worms  will  turn,  'tis  said, 

In  the  oppressor's  track ; 
An  added  plume  will  sometimes  break 

The  laden  camel's  back. 

It  thus  befell :  chance  passers-by, 

Or  loiterers  on  the  line. 
That  culvert  cool  did  dedicate 

To  Venus  Cloacine. 
And  often  to  the  fras^rrant  shrine 

CI? 

Did  railway  folks  repair, 
And  leave,  at  Nature's  warning:  call. 
Their  casual  offerino^s  there.-^ 

And  now  that  culvert,  Avhence  once  quelled 

But  pure  pellucid  streams, 
A  poisoned  den  of  rank  disease. 

With  noisome  <»dors  steams. 
And  when  fair  Stockton's  winds  did  rise 

And  throuoh  the  culvert  blow. 


i  In  what  way  the  ancient  Komans  effected  a  dedication 
of  a  temple  to  Venus  Cloacina,  the  poet  refers  his  readers  to 
classical  sources.  The  force  of  ancient  paganism  and  its  habits 
may  be  said  to  survive  among  us  in  the  readiness  with  wliich 
old  mining  tunnels  and  otlier  deserted  excavations  are, 
throughout  the  mining  districts  of  California  and  Xevada, 
consecrated  promptly  to  Venus  or  Idalian  Aphrodite,  under 
her  epithet  of  Cloacina. 


Hopkins  vs.   W.  P.  B.  B,   Co.  28.') 

The  plaintiff  found  what  potent  power 
They  had  to  work  him  woe. 

Then  bursts  his  rage,  long  smothered,  forth, 

Flames  up  each  burning  grudge, 

And  lip  he  starts  in  direful  heat 

To  seek  his  District  Judsje. 
***** 
A  panel  struck — all  neighbors  kind — 

They  piteous  grant  redress. 

When  duly  charged  by  Booker,  J., 

His  damage  to  assess. 

The  plaintiff  seeks  his  home  content, 

A  victor  from  the  field. 
But  finds,  alas !  the  strife  renewed — 

The  scoundrels  have  appealed  ; 
In  sooth,  these  corporations  have 

The  might  of  gold  in  hand, 
And  of  forensic  bravos  hold 

In  pay  a  murd'rous  band.^ 
***** 
The  TranscrijDt  filed,  the  fees  all  paid, 

The  cause  came  duly  on; 

1  The  kindly  critical  reader  may  tbink  this  verse  is  bathos. 
He  is  right. 


286  Hopkins  vs.  W.  P.  E.  B.   Co. 

'Twas  Budcl  forth  for  respoudent  stood, 

'Gainst  surly  Sanderson. 
And  now  the  bailiff  opens  court — 

Stilled  is  the  vulgar  hum, 
While  through  the  door,  in  ordered  file. 

Their  Honors  gravely  come.^ 

Note  Wallace,  he  of  saintly  mien, 

Mark  Crockett's  gleeful  air, 
And  Niles,  whose  pale  and  hollow  cheeks 

Tell  of  his  meager  fare. 
Anon  the  fiery  Rhodes  trips  in ; 

Behind  him  follows  close 
McKinstry,  he  whose  wrinkled  brow 

Betrays  judicial  throes.^ 

The  case  is  called,  and  Sanderson 
Pooh-poohs  respondent's  woes, 
And  Budd  rej^lies,  and  to  and  fro 

The  tide  of  warfare  flows. 
***** 
Now  doth  the  Court  deliberate 

With  many  a  hem  and  haw — 

1  If  the  poet  here  drops  into  a  dramatic  style  and  a  histori- 
cal present,  it  is  because  he  is  carried  away  by  the  How  of 
rhythm. 

2  The  keenness  with  which  the  poet  has  hit  off  the  salient 
characteristics  of  their  Honors  will  be  duly  appreciated  by 
the  bar. 


HopJdns  vs.  W.  P.  R.  R.   Co.  287 

Agreed  at  last — McKinstry,  J., 
Expounds  the  nuisance  law  : 

^'JVo?i  constat  that  the  company- 
All  those  rude  men  employed, 

Who  in  said  culvert  easements  have 
Thus  cozily  enjoyed. 

And  semble,  when  the  employes 
Did  'neath  the  archway  grope, 

Not  all  their  movements  sejant  were 
In  their  employment's  scope. 

"  And  too,  it  should  be  ranked  among 

Mo^t  clear-admitted  facts, 
That  such  as  must  be  corporal 

Can  scarce  be  corporate  acts. 
A  corporation  ever  works 

Through  its  attorneys  leal, 
Nor  cravings  purely  physical 

Can  it  be  deemed  to  feel. 

"'Tis  whispered  children  are  begot 

At  times  by  proxies'  means 
(Though  to  dispense  with  agents'  aids 

The  general  custom  leans). 
But  who  would  blow  another's  nose, 

Or  sneeze  another's  sneeze. 


288  Hopkins  vs.  W.  P.  li.  R.  Go. 

Or  do  vicariously  such  acts 
As  give  our  bodies  ease  ? 

*'  So  of  our  legal  knot,  in  this 

The  true  solution  lies : 
The  trespassers  were  but  engaged 

In  privy  enterprise. 
And  since  such  easements  scarce  are  deemed 

Rights  incorporeal, 
'Gainst  each,  for  trespass,  plaintiff  might 

Have  action  several. 

"  Of  turbary  and  piscary, 

A  common  there  may  be, 
And  in  one  action  all  be  sued 

To  reach  a  remedy  ; 
But  here,  'twould  seem,  th'  offenders  sought 

The  culvert  one  by  one. 
And  had  their  musings,  Crusoe-like, 

Unsocial  and  alone. 

*'So  while  the  learned  judge  below 

We  hold  in  high  esteem. 
Erroneous,  in  this  one  case, 

His  rulings  we  do  deem. 
We  therefore  hold  it  to  be  law 

In  this  our  curia. 


Hopkins  vs.   W.  P.  li.  B.   Co.  289 

If  plaintiff 's  damaged,  damned  he  is 
Absque  injuria."*^ 

His  Honor  ceased :  a  wail  of  woe 

Burst  from  respondent's  throat; 
He  rushed  abroad,  and  started  home 

For  Stockton  by  the  boat. 
But  where  the  Sacramento's  floods 

Thy  shores,  San  Pablo,  lave. 
He  leaped  into  the  rushing  tide 

To  find  a  peaceful  grave.^ 

And  now,  when  trains  through  Stockton  town 

Are  passing  in  the  night, 
A  wraith  is  said  to  haunt  the  track, 

And  vex  the  stoker's  sight. 
And  if  unto  that  culvert  now 

A  hasty  soul  retreats, 
Before  his  frightened  gaze  a  form 

Uncertain  glares  and  fleets.^ 

1  The  neat  way  in  which  the  poet  has  here  imitated  Virgil, 
in  his  address  to  lake  Benacus,  will  be  appreciated  by  every 
true  Virgilian  scholar : 

"  Fluctibus  et  fremitu  assurgens,Benace,marino." 

2  We  hope  and  believe  that  the  estimable  gentleman  who 
figured  as  respondent  in  the  above  case  is  still  alive,  and  en- 
joying existence  where  no  railway  corporation  can  trample 
on  his  rights.  The  poet  has  murdered  him,  only  in  accord 
ance  with  true  rules  of  art,  to  bring  in  the  tragic  element 
which  in  actuality  we  trust  he  may  never  have  any  connec- 
tion with.  25 


290  3P  Vey  vs.  Hennigan. 


TEUX  APER  INSEQUITUE. 

Appeal— M'Yey  v8.  Hennigan. 
Tune— "Judy  Callaghan." 

Theee  lived,  as  I  am  toiild, 

In  Stirling's  noble  city, 
Two  Irish  lads  so  bould, 

The  subjec'  av  me  ditty; 
They  both  had  pigs  galore, 

And  styes  to  fence  and  screen  'em, 
And  each  possessed  a  boar, 

With  only  a  hedge  between  'em, 
Savs  M'Vev— 
Darlint  Mr.  Hennigan, 
You  must  pay 
If  your  boar  comes  in  again. 

Tony  HeunifTjan's  boar, 

Faix,  he  loved  to  wandher ; 
Divvel  a  wall  or  door 

Would  kape  him  from  his  dandher. 
And  mostly  he  would  hie 

To  Pat  M'Yey's  back  garden, 
And  grunt  about  the  stye 

Where  Pathrick's  ])igs  were  barred  in. 


M^  Yey  vs.  Hennigan.  291 

Says  M'Vey— 
Darlint  Mr.  Hennigan, 
Ton  must  pay 
If  your  boar  comes  in  again. 

At  last  one  day  when  Pat 
Was  atin'  av  his  dinner, 
His  wife  cried  out,  ''Ther's  that 

Ould  boar,  as  I'm  a  sinner. 
O  Pat,  rise  up,  make  haste," 

And  Pat  obeyed  her  ordhers, 
And  swore  he'd  drive  the  baste 
From  out  his  garden  bordhers. 
Says  M'Vey— 
Darlint  Mr.  Hennigan, 
You  must  pay 
Now  your  boar's  come  in  again. 

But  Tony's  boar,  worse  luck. 

He  had  a  heart  so  darin', 
Bedad !  he  run  amuck 

At  this  bould  son  av  Erin. 
So  Pat  was  forced  to  fly, 

And  moighty  quick  he  went  too, 
While  Piggy  from  his  thigh 

Tore  out  a  small  memento. 


292  ISP  Yey  vs.  Ilennigan. 

Says  M'Vey— 
Darliot  Mr.  Hennigan, 
You  must  pay 
Now  your  boar's  come  in  again. 

Then  Pathrick  to  the  Coort 

He  dbragged  the  porker's  masther, 
And  swore  that  such  a  hurt 

Bank  notes  alone  could  plasther. 
The  stye  was  insecure, 

The  boar  was  most  fherocious, 
And  Tony's  conduct,  shure, 

Was  blackgyard  and  athrocious. 
Says  M'Vey— 
Darlint  Mr.  Hennigan, 
You  must  pay 
Now  your  boar's  come  in  again. 

Me  piggy  has,  says  Tone, 

The  swatest,  best  of  naytures, 
And  Pat,  ye  should  have  known 

The  ways  av  them  dumb  craytures ;  \ 

His  timi^er's  asily  stirred. 

When  takin'  av  his  airin', 
Nor  can  he  stand  a  worrd 

Av  cursin'  or  av  swearin'  I 


3P  Vey  vs.  Hennigan.  293 

Says  M'Vey— 
Darlint  Mr.  Henuigan, 
You  must  13 ay 
Now  your  boar's  come  m  again. 

Upon  the  case  there  sat 

Two  sheriffs,  larnecl  brothers, 
One  gave  his  vote  for  Pat, 

And  Tony  got  the  other's. 
And  so  when  months  had  passe<l 

In  strife  and  opposition, 
The  case  was  brought  at  last 
Before  the  Coort  av  Session. 
Says  M^Vey— 
Darlint  Mr.  Hennigan, 
You  must  pay 
Now  your  boar's  come  in  again. 

The  Lords,  in  gowns  so  grand. 

Were  tould  the  dismal  story 
How  piggy,  though  so  bland. 

Made  Pathrick's  groin  so  gory ; 
They  said  'twas  not  polite 

For  Pat  to  use  such  langwidgc, 
Still  Piggy  had  no  right 

T©  ate  a  raw  ham  sandwich  \ 


294  M'Vey  vs.  Hennigan. 

Says  M'Vey— 
DarlintJMr.  HenDigan, 
You  must  pay 
Kow  your  boar's  come  in  again. 

Then  nivver,  if  you're  wise, 

Permit  your  pigs,  be  jabers ! 
To  threspass  on  the  thighs 

Av  your  Milesian  neighbours. 
For  boars  whose  moral  sinse 
Is  shocked  by  imprecation, 
Are  apt  to  take  offince 
At  all  the  Irish  nation. 

Says  M'Vey— 
Darlint  Mr.  Hennigan, 
You  must  pay 
Now  your  boar's  come  in  again. 


Notes  and  RefereMces.  295 


The  numhers  refer  to  the  pages  on  which  the  verses  are  found. 


11.  A  Lawyer's  Farewell  to  His  Muse.  By  Sir  AYilliam 
Blackstone  Kni,^ht.  Tiiere  is  a  certain  quaiiit  awkwardness  in  the 
great  commentator's  rhymes  which  show  that  he  had  grudgingly 
bestowed  his  attention  niDon  verse  while  cultivating  as  clear  and 
harmoaious  a  prose  style  as  our  language  is  capable  of  fostering. 
See  Eoscoo's  Life  for  this  and  the  succeeding  piece,  "The  Lawyer's 
Prayer,"  by  the  learned  Knight. 

18.  A  Flight  of  Fancy.  By  Frances  Sargent  Osgood.  See 
her  "  Poems,"  12  mo,  p.  3i. 

23.    Ode  to  a  Sparrow. 

26.  On  the  Approach  of  Spring.  Punch,  Vol.  XX.  (1851),  p. 
lii.  By  Tom  Taj-lor,  the  well-known  author  and  dramatist  called 
to  the  bar  as  member  of  the  Inner  Temple  in  1815,  a  frequent 
contributor  to  Punch  and  other  periodicals  of  articles  in  prose 
and  verse,  author  of  "Our  American  Cousin,"  "Ticket  of  Leave 
Man,"  and  many  other  dramas.  See  Knickerbocker  3fagazine, 
Yol.  LIV.,  p.  103,  credited  in  Bryant's  "  Library  of  Poetry  and 
Song"  to  Henry  Howard  Brownell,  but  not  contained  in  his 
volume  "  War  Lyrics  and  Other  Poems." 

27.  Sweet  Autumn  Days.    Punch,  Yol.  I.  (1811),  p.  153. 

28.  A  Professional  PastDral  for  the  Long  Vacation.  Punch, 
Yol.  YII.  (184i),p.  118. 

29.  Trills  for  Term  Time.     Punch,  Yol.  XIII.  (1817),  p.  199. 


296  Notes  and  References. 

30.  Response  at  Boston  Bar  Banquet.  By  Dr,  Oliver  Wendell 
Holmes.  At  the  annual  banquet  of  the  Boston  Bar  Association  in 
January,  1883,  Hon.  Wm.  G.  KusscU,  President,  having  offered 
toasts  to  the  Courts  and  to  the  Mayor,  said  :  — 

"  We  are  done  with  officials  and  public  functionaries,  and  we 
come  now  to  a  tough  subject ;  many-sided,  and  I  know  not  on 
which  side  to  attack  him  with  any  hnpo  of  capturing  him.  I  might 
hail  him  as  our  poet,  for  he  was  born  a  poet ;  they  are  all  born  so. 
If  ho  didn't  lisp  in  numbers  it  was  because  he  spoke  plainly  at  a 
very  early  age.  I  might  hail  him  as  physician,  and  a  long  and 
well-spent  life  in  that  profession  would  justify  it ;  but  I  don't 
believe  it  will  ever  be  known  whether  he  has  cured  more  cases  of 
dyspepsia  and  b'ues  b}-  his  poems,  or  his  powders  and  his  pills.  I 
might  hail  him  as  professor,  and  as  professor  emeritus  he  has 
added  a  new  wreath  to  his  brow.  I  might  hail  him  as  Autocrat  of 
the  Breakfast  Table,  for  there  he  had  a  long  reign,  and  he  prolongs 
it  at  all  our  later  repasts.  He  will  defend  himself  with  courage, 
for  he  never  showed  the  white  feather  but  once,  and  that  is  that 
he  does  not  dare  to  be  as  funny  as  he  can.  A  tough  subject, 
surely,  and  I  must  try  him  on  the  tender  side,  the  paternal.  I 
give  you  the  father  who  went  in  search  of  a  captain,  and,  finding 
him,  presents  to  us  now  his  son  the  judge." 

Dr.  Holmes,  on  rising,  held  up  a  sheet  of  paper  and  said :  "You 
see  before  you  (referring  to  the  paper)  all  that  you  have  to  fear  or 
hope.  For  tliirty-five  years  I  have  taught  anatomy.  I  have  often 
heard  of  the  roots  of  the  tongue,  but  I  never  found  them.  The 
danger  of  a  tongue  let  loose  you  have  had  opportunity  to  know 
before,  but  the  danger  of  a  sci-ap  of  paper  like  tliis  is  so  trivial  that 
I  hardly  need  to  apologize  for  it."  Boston  Evening  Transcript, 
January  31,  1883. 

33.  Nonsuited.  By  T.  H.  E.  Printer.  Written  to  order  to 
fill  a  page. 

34.  Tlie  Special  Pleader's  Lament,  appeared  first  in  The  Jurist, 
Vol.  I.,  January  28,  1837,  copied  in  The  American  Jurist,  Vol. 
XXI.,  p.  239,  afterwards  apj)eared  in  7  Eobinson's  Practice,  p.  1095, 
witli  additional  verse  :  — 

"  But  then,  alas  !  the  Barons  held 
The  transfer  of  this  treasure 
Could  not  by  me  be  set  aside, 
Being  made  when  under  pressure." 

38.     Law  Love,  found  in  2'he  Western  Jurist,  Vol.  VIII,,  p.  181. 


Notes  and  References.  297 

39.  Lines  to  Bessie.  By  a  student  at  law.  Punch,  Vol.  VII. 
(1844) ;  p.  58,  gives  these  verses  with  the  following  characteristic 
prelude :  — 

"  All  the  world  knew  Loi'd  Eldon  to  be  a  great  lawyer,  but  no 
one  was  aware,  until  Mr.  Horace  Twiss  published  the  fact,  that  the 
great  ex-Chancellor  was  a  poet  of  uo  moan  pretensions.  His 
Lordship's  lyrics  to  his  Bessie  contain  all  the  sweetness  of  Spencer, 
combined  with  the  copiousness  of  Coke,  all  the  melody  of  Moore, 
■with  nearly  all  the  precision  of  Petersdorii".  We  are  happy  in 
being  able  to  furnish  a  specimen." 

41.  Law  at  our  Boarding  Hons3.  By  A.  C.  Gordon.  Sanb- 
ner's  Monthly,  May,  1880,  p.  IGO. 

43.  The  Lawyer's  Valentine.  By  John  G.  Saxe,  St.  Albans, 
Vermont,  Aug.,  1844:.  Knickerbocker  Magazine,  Vol.  XXIX.,  p. 
2GG. 

45.    The  Lawyer's  Suit.    By  John  G.  Saxe. 

47.    To the  Lawyer,     ranch,  Vol.  II.  (1842) ,  p.  m. 

50.  A  Moan  from  the  San  Francisco  Ear.  Miss  Mary  McH — , 
a  young'  lady  remarkable  for  her  studious  habits  and  varied  ac- 
complishments (daughter  of  a  much  respected  Louisiana  judge, 
now  deceased) ,  was  a  short  time  since  graduated  in  the  academic 
department  and  at  the  law  school  of  the  University  of  California, 
and  admitted  to  practice  under  circumstances  which  seemed  to  be 
auspicious  for  a  forensic  success  on  her  part,  if  such  success  were 
at  all  possible  for  a  lady  of  remarkably  gentle  and  retiring  dispo- 
sition.   It  is  now,  however,  announced  that  she  is  about  to  marry 

the  genial  landscape  painter  K ,  a  jolly  good  fellow,  famous 

for  his  brilliant  renditions  upon  canvas  of  California  scenery,  and 
for  his  charming  ability  in  singing  Scotch  melodies. 

Miss  Mary's  modesty  and  beauty,  and  the  present  editor's  gal- 
lantry, make  the  following  quotation  imperative:  — 
Novella,  a  young  Bolognese, 

The  daughter  of  a  learned  laAv-doctor. 
Who  had  with  all  the  subtleties 

Of  old  and  modern  jurists  stock'd  her, 
Was  so  exceeding  fair,  'tis  said, 

And  over  hearts  held  such  dominion, 
That  when  her  father,  sick  in  bed, 
Or  busy,  sent  her  in  his  stead 
To  lecture  on  the  Code  Justinian, 


298  Notes  and  References. 

She  had  a  curtain  drawn  before  her, 
Lest  if  her  charms  were  seen,  the  students 

Should  let  their  young  eyes  wander  o'er  her, 
And  quite  forget  their  jnrif^prudence. 
— Notes  and  Queries,  Vol.  III.,  2nd  Series,  p.  120. 

62.  A  Professional  Love  Song.    Punch,  Vol.  XLVII.  (186i)  p.  51. 

55.  The  Lawyer's  Stratagem.  Originally  appearing  in  the 
Bosto)i  Post,  the  hot-bed  of  so  much  American  wit  and  humor ; 
republished  in  Ilorper's  Montldy,  Vol.  XV.,  p.  566  (Sept.  1857), 
and  there  ascribed  to  Brown. 

57.  Love  and  Law.  A  legend  of  Boston.  By  John  G.  Saxe. 
from  "The  Masc^uerade  and  Other  Poums,"  p.  75. 

63.  In  Woman's  Praise.  By  Hon.  Shcppard  Barclay,  St. 
Louis.     The  Foi-um,  Vol.  I.,  p.  189. 

65.  An  Old  Saw.    Uarper's  JSIontJdj.    Vol.  XIII.  (1856),  p.  724. 

66.  Law.  A  comic  song,  air,  "Malbrook."  Ecprinted  in 
Albany  Laio  Journal,  Vol.  I. 

Good  songs,  as  well  as  great  works  in  other  fields  of  literature, 
may  be  traced  liack  to  obscure  and  lowly  sources  and  still  rcnudn 
anonymous.  Of  this  '  Malbrook"  (Malbrough)  is  a  striking  illus- 
tration. "When  the  Arabs  overran  Gothic  Spain  an  air  was  born 
harmonious  with  clash  of  cymbals,  and  the  roll  and  beat  of  the 
driim.  Chateaul^riand  heard  it  sung  liy  the  Arabs  in  the  moslem 
camps  in  Palesti  ;e,  and  asserts  that  it  had  been  carried  there  by 
the  Crusaders,  and  that  Godfrey  de  Bouill m,  who  with  his  Chris- 
tian Cavaliers  had  pitched  their  tents  about  Jerusalem,  returned 
to  Europe  with  a  sauntering  march,  humming  the  air,  and  beating 
the  time  as  the  gods  might  do  in  an  opera  overture. 

It  remained  endemic  in  western  Europe  breaking  out  ppamodi- 
cally  now  and  then  until  the  days  of  Malborough,  when  the  Gauls, 
among  other  bits  of  gibing  at  their  great  enemy,  started  a  song  to 
the  old  air;  the  "  mironton  "  of  the  refrain  being  accompanied 
with  a  beating  to  represent  the  drum,  and  the  higher  strain,  the 
rolling  of  the  drum.  Malbrook  died,  was  buried  for  generations, 
and  until  Madame  Poitrine  sang  it  as  a  lullaby  for  the  infant 
daupbin  in  1781.  Marie  Antoinette,  charmed  by  her  baby's  cradle 
song,  sang  it  herself.  It  was  caught  by  her  courtiers,  and  the 
beribboned  descendants  of  the  crusaders  revived  the  air  which  had 
once  floated  over  the  cymbal-clashing,  mail-clad  ports  of  Saladin 
in  the  Holy  Land.    It  soon  spread  though  Versailles,  Paris,  and 


Notes  and  References.  299 

throughout  France.  The  Malbrough  of  the  song  was  a  crusader 
who  clied  in  batile,  and  whose  lady  cUmbed  the  tower  looking  out 
for  her  lord,  as  did  the  mother  of  Sisera,  who  looked  out  at  a  win- 
dow and  cried  through  the  latice,  "Why  is  his  chariot  so  long  in 
coming?  Why  tariy  the  wheels  of  his  chariots?  Have  they  not 
sped  ?    Have  they  not  divided  the  spo  1  ?  " 

Malbrook's  funeral  procession  became  the  popular  subject  of 
decorative  art.  It  was  deliniated  in  caricature,  and  painted  on 
fans  with  a  little  tower  and  an  immense  lady  at  the  top. 

M.  Las  Cases  states  that  Napoleon  never  mounted  his  charger 
for  battle  without  humming  this  air,  and  that  he  heard  him 
hum  it  but  a  little  time  before  his  death.  Beaumarchais,  in 
1781,  introduced  the  song  in  his  drama,  "  The  Marriage  of  Figaro," 
in  the  song  of  "  The  Pretty  Page  with  Dimpled  Chin."  The  war- 
like air  is  here  made  to  tell  a  story  of  loving  languor  : 
La,  pr^s  d'une  fontaine 
(Que  mon  cceur,  mon  coeur  a  de  peine). 

A  different  air  and  libretto  was  unfortunately  inserted  in  the 
opera,  but  Beethoven,  in  1813,  honored  it  with  a  place  in  his  "  Bat- 
tle Symphonic."  Englishmen  retaliated  burlesquing  the  song,  and 
the  bluff  army  successors  of  Malbrook  and  their  recruiting  officers 
sang  it  thus : 

We  like  to  take  our  ease,  sir*, 

With  a  damsel  on  our  knees,  sir, 

And  give  her  a  hearty  squeeze,  sir, 

To  drive  dull  care  away. 
Thence  it  extended  its  conquest  to  the  Student's  Cloister,  and 
uttered  the  confessions : 

We  think  it  is  no  sin,  sir. 

To  take  the  Freshman  in,  sir, 

And  rob  them  of  their  tin,  sir. 

To  drive  dull  care  away. 
It  has  invaded  the  innocence  of  the  school  room,  and  we  think 
the  rakish  air  has  done  duty  as  a  revival  hymn.  At  the  present 
day  the  air  will  be  more  promptly  recognized  with  the  convivial 
words,  "We  won't  go  Home  till  Morning."  So  this  nameless  or 
many-named  vagrant  has  come  down  anonymous  still.  But  as  to 
the  theory  of  its  origin  see  Grove's  Dictionary  of  Music  and 
Musicians,  Vol.  II.,  p.  290. 

69.  The  Annuity.  By  George  Outram.  George  Outram,  the 
author,  was  born  at  Glasgow,  March  25,  1895,  and  died  there  in 
1856.    He  was  called  to  the  Scottish  bar  in  1827,  but  devoted  some 


300  Notes  cuid  References. 

attention  to  journalism,  being  part  proprietor  of  the  Glasgow 
Herald.  He  wrote  a  number  of  humorous  and  satirical  pieces,  and 
^collection  of  his  verses,  entitled  "Legal  Lyrics,''  was  published 
after  his  death  by  Blackwood  &  Sons.  Wilsoit's  jPoets  and  Poetry 
of  Scotland,  Vol.  II.,  p.  533. 

The  following  note  is  from  the  ''Centenary"  of  The  Glasgovj 
Herald,  by  J.  H.  Stoddart,  Esq.,  editor  of  the  Herald. 

"  Mr.  George  Outram,  advocate,  Avas  appointed  editor  {Glasgow 
Herald)  on  Mr.  Hunter's  resignation  (May,  1837),  and  at  the 
same  time  he  was  admitted  a  partner.  Unlike  his  predecessor,  he 
was  of  a  singularly  retiring  disposition,  and  took  no  personal  part 
in  the  public  alfuirs  or  social  gatherings  of  the  city.  He  was, 
however,  a  man  of  fine  genius,  and  his  heart  was  as  good  as  his 
head.  J3y  those  who  knew  him  well  he  was  warmly  beloved,  and 
no  man  deserved  better  to  be  beloveel.  His  poetical  writings  are 
now  known  to  a  large  circle,  although  the  author  never  would 
consent  to  their  publication.  His  songs  are  rich  in  illustration, 
and  contain  the  very  essence  of  fun.  Latterly  Mr.  Outram's 
health  became  infirm,  and  he  retired  from  the  active  discharge  of 
his  editorial  duties  a  few  years  before  his  death,  which  took  i^lace 
at  his  residence,  liosmore,  on  the  Holy  Loch,  on  the  16th  Sep- 
tember, 1856.  He  was  interred  in  Warriston  Cemetery,  Edin- 
burgh. Mr.  Outram's  family  still  holds  his  interest  in  the  Herald 
property.  On  Mr.  Outram's  retirement  I  was  appointed  to  take 
his  place." 

76.  The  Annuitant's  Answer.  Wilson's  Poets  and  Poetry  of 
Scotland,  Vol.  II.,  p.  584.  At  a  dinner  given  by  Dr.  Robert 
Chambers,  in  Edinburgh,  to  Outram  anel  a  select  party  of  friends, 
these  verses  were  sung  in  character  by  Mrs.  E.  C.  after  "The 
Annuity  "  had  been  sung  by  Peter  Erazer.  The  "  honest  Maurice  " 
mentioned  in  the  last  stanza  is  the  late  Maurice  Lothian  of 
Edinburgh. 

79.  A  Fragment.    By  George  Outram. 

80.  Minimum  do  Malis.  Harper's  Monthly,  Vol.  L.,  p.  928. 
Concerning  going  to  law  on  a  small  matter,  the  following  from  the 
latin  of  George  Buchanan  may  be  regarded  as  sound. 

81.  Lay  of  Gascoigne  Justice.  A  parody  on  Macaulay's  "Lays 
of  Ancient  Bome."  By  John  William  Smith.  Law  Magazine,  Vol. 
XXXV.,  p.  189;  see  also  12  Notes  and  Queries  (1855),  p.  406. 
For  a  delightful  sketch  of  the  life  of  this  eminent  jurist,  by  Sam- 
uel Warren,  see  Blackioood,  Vol.  LXL,  pp.  129-161. 


Notes  and  References.  301 

87.  Ye  Juvenile  Offender  by  a  Puzzled  Magistrate.  By 
T.  Bruce  Jolmston.  Adcocate,  Edinburgh.  Journal  of  Jiiri^- 
Xwudence,  Vol.  XXV.,  p.  107. 

89.  The  Law  of  Marriage  By  George  Outram.  See  note  to 
page  69. 

92.  The  Tourists'  Matrimonial  Guide  Through  Scotland.  By 
Lord  Neaves.  Published  in  "  Songs  and  Verses,  Social  and  Scien- 
tific." 

96.    The  Purchasing  of  Land. 

98.    The  Jolly  Testator  Who  Makes  His  Own  Will.    By  a 

contributor  to  Blackwood  (Lord  Neaves) .  Copied  in  American 
Law  Review,  Vol.  VII.,  p.  387;  see  also  "Songs  and  Verses, 
Social  and  Scientific." 

Any  verse,  whether  permitted  by  gods,  men,  or  booksellers,  or 
no,  written  by  a  man  who  is  entitled  to  the  following  biography 
at  the  hands  of  his  associates,  is  deserving  of  attention,  even 
without  the  wit  which  prevades  it :  — 

LORD  NEAVES. 

"  There  was  a  boy,  a  bright-eyed  boy,  the  dux  of  all  the  school, 
Who  kept  the  place  at  Midsummer  which  he  had  won  at  Yule  ; 
Thro'  Horace,  Terence,  Juvenal,  he  cantered  at  his  ease. 
Nor  boggled  at  the  hardest  bits  of  old  Thucydides. 
No  mathematics  daunted  him;  he  needed  small  instraction, 
To  dive  at  once  into  the  depths  of  algebra  and  fluxion. 
There's  not  a  dry  eye  in  the  school  the  day  on  which  he  leaves, 
Yet  little  did  the  rector  know  that  boy  would  be  Lord  Neaves. 

"  There  was  a  lad,  an  eager  lad,  who  studied  day  and  night, 
Whose  spirit  through  all  realms  of  thought  pursued  a  lofty  flight, 
Who  walked  away  with  every  priz3  in  every  Class  at  college 
And  left  unopened  not  one  gate  of  all  the  gates  of  knoAvledge, 
And  yet  he  was  no  cold  recluse  but  debonnair  and  free, 
As  one  who  feels  that  social  lies  exalt  philosophy. 
Professors  smiling  shake  his  hand;  the  principal  believes, 
The  day  may  come  when  that  fine  lad  may  live  to  be  Lord  Neaves. 

"  There  was  a  man,  an  earnest  man,  who  took  to  study  law, 
He  waded  through  old  Morrison,  he  swam  ahead  of  Shaw. 
He  took  the  marrow  out  of  Stair,  the  entrails  out  of  Bell; 
He  sucked  the  cg^  of  Erskine,  and  left  nothing  but  the  shell. 

26 


302  Notes  and  References. 

He  quoted  case  and  precedent,  unravelled  every  twist, 
From  darkened  legal  quiddity  he  cleared  away  the  mist. 
The  judges  gaze  in  wonderment  and  whisper  in  their  sleeves. 
Both  "Whigs  and  Tories  will  agree  to  make  that  man  Lord  Neaves. 

"  There  was  a  father  who  had  wed  a  fair  and  gentle  dame, 

And  more  than  all  his  honors  prized  a  husband's,  father's  name. 

Who  as  he  trod  the  round  of  life  thro'  all  it's  weary  miles, 

Found  ever  at  his  own  tireside  sweet  faces  and  fair  smiles. 

Ah  !  better  than  ambition's  fire,  or  triumph,  or  success. 

Soft  eyes  that  look  into  our  own.  loved  hands  our  own  that  press: 

'Tis  never  for  himself  alone  a  father  toils,  achieves, 

'Tis  for  the  well-known  voice  that  says, '  Papa  will  be  Lord  Neaves.' 

"  There  is  a  jud^e  whom  all  the  land  esteems  as  wise  and  good, 
Most  fixed  in  what  he  deems  the  right,  yet  never  harsh  nor  rude ; 
Clear  in  his  office,  faithful,  just,  more  pleased  to  bless  than  ban, 
And  proving  that  the  soundest  law  comes  from  the  kindliest  man. 
In  him  the  dux  of  all  the  school  and  student  ripe  survives;  — 
Youth's  freshness,  age's  wisdom,  still  unite  the  noblest  lives. 
And  every  compeer  lo\'ingly  and  with  delight  receives 
The  valued  friend,  the  honored  judge,  the  unspoilt  man.  Lord 
Xeaves." 

101.  Will  of  William  Kuffell,  Esq.,  of  Shimpling,  Suffolk. 
From  Notes  and  Queries.     1st  Stries,  Yol.  XIL,  p.  81. 

104.  A  Lawyer's  Will.  Legal  Observer,  Yol.  X.  (1835),  p.  IG. 
This  quaint  and  characteristic  production  was  written  by  Mr.  John 
Cooper  Grocott,  an  octogenarian  Liverpool  solicitor,  recently 
deceased.  Mr.  Grocott  was  the  author  of  "An  Index  of  Familiar 
Quotation,  Ancient  and  Modern,"  a  work  which  has  passed  through 
several  editions.  Notes  and  ^ue^'ies,  5th  Series,  Yol,  II.  (1871), 
p.  226. 

1C6.  Will  of  Joshua  West,  of  the  Six  Clerk's  Oflfice,  Chancery 
Lane.  Dated  December  13,  1801.  Notes  and  Queries,  Yol.  XIL, 
p.  82. 

107.  Will  of  James  Bigshy,  of  Manniugtree.  Dated  February 
4,  1839.     Notes  awl  Querits,  1st  Series,  Yol.  XIL,  p.  86. 

110.  Wills  Without  Lawyers.    Punch,  YoL  XYI.  (1819),  p.  2. 

111.  Make  Thy  Will.     Punch,  Yol.  LYI.  (1869),  p.  127. 


j^^oles  and  llefereuces.  303 

113.  A  Question  of  Testamentary  Dispasitioa.  The  subject 
of  these  verses  is  alkided  to  iu  a  letter  from  Sir  William  Black- 
stone,  addressed  to  Mr.  Richmond,  at  Sparsholt,  uear  Wantage, 
Berks,  Arundel  Street,  January  28,  1775:  — 

"  I  have  ti'espassed  so  far  on  yr  patience  that  I  am  almost  afraid 
to  venture  any  farther.  But  I  happen'd  t'other  day  upon  a  case 
in  a  civil  law  book,  wcli  I  should  be  glad  to  kno\v  how  jow 
imagine  chancery  wd  decide.  A  man  dies  and  leaves  his  wife 
with  child,  and  by  his  will  ordains  that,  if  his  wife  brought  forth 
a  son,  ye  son  shd  have  2  3ds  and  ye  mother  one  3d  of  the  estate ; 
if  a  daughter,  then  ye  wife  to  have  2  and  ye  daughter  1  3d  ,  The 
wifj  brought  twins,  a  boy  and  girl.  Qu.  How  shall  ye  estate  be 
divided?  N.  B.  Wo  must  suppose  a  jointure,  or  something  in 
bar  of  dower."    1  Lpgal  Observer,  12. 

115.  Canons  of  iJe scent.  Laio  Iieporter,\ol.l., -p.  ISi.  From 
a  London  magazine.  Versified  from  Blackstone's  Commentaries, 
by  an  apprentice  of  the  law. 

117.  Rules  of  Descent  in  the  United  States,  as  Laid  Down  in 
Kent's  Commentaries.  By  T.  W.  Davidson  of  Lexington,  Vir- 
ginia, in  SoutJiern  Law  Journal,  Copied  iu  Albany  Law  Journal, 
Vol.  XXIII. ,  p.  IdO. 

120.  Variation  of  the  Rule  in  Shelly's  Case.  Washington 
Law  Eeporter,  Vol.  IX.,  p.  221. 

123.  St.  Peter  vs.  The  Lawyer.  Printed  on  a  sheet  of  fools- 
cap. At  the  htad  is  a  cut  representing  St.  Peter  opening  the  gates 
of  Heaven  to  a  lawyer  desirous  of  entering,  but  whom  the  Apostle 
on  recognizing  his  p"ofession  refuses  to  admi  t.  There  is  no  date  or 
author's  name  attached.   Notes  and  (Queries,  Vol.  XII.  (1855) .  p.  M. 

127.  Justice  and  the  Lawyer.  From  Edward  Moore's  "  Fables 
for  the  Female  Sex,"  London,  1744,  1849. 

130.  The  Devil  and  the  Lawyer.  Eeprinted  in  Western 
Jurist,  Vol.  XV.,  p.  287. 

Perhaps  we  should  not  have  omitted  in  this  connection  the  lines 
of  John  G-.  Saxe  from  the  "Money  King  and  Other  Poems.  " 

HOW  THE  LAWYERS  GOT  A  PATRON  SAINT. 

A   LEGEND   OF   BEETAGXE. 

A  lawyer  of  Brittany,  once  on  a  time, 

Wlien  business  was  flagging  at  homo. 
Was  sent  as  a  L-gate  to  Italy's  clime. 

To  confer  with  the  Father  at  Rome. 


304  Notes  and  References. 

And  what  was  the  message  the  minister  brouglit? 

To  the  Pope  he  preferred  a  complaint 
That  each  other  profession  a  Patron  had  got, 

While  the  Lawj'ers  had  never  a  Saint ! 

♦'  Yery  true,"  said  his  holiness,  — smiling  to  find 
An  attorney  so  civil  and  pleasant, — 

*'  But  my  very  last  Saint  is  already  assigned, 
And  I  can't  make  a  new  one  at  present. 

"To  choose  from  the  Bar  it  were  fittest,  I  think; 

Perhaps  you've  a  man  in  your  eye  "  — 
And  his  Holiness  here  gave  a  mischievous  wink 

To  a  Cardinal  sitting  near  by. 

But  the  lawyer  replied,  in  a  lawyer  like  way, 

"  I  know  what  is  modest,  I  hope  ; 
I  didn't  come  hither,  allow  me  to  say. 

To  profier  advice  to  the  Pope  ! " 

"  Very  well,"  said  his  Holiness,  "  then  we  will  do 
The  best  that  may  fairly  be  done  ; 

It  don't  seem  exactly  the  thing,  it  is  true, 
That  the  Law  should  be  Saint-less  alone. 

"  To  treat  your  profession  as  well  as  I  can. 
And  leave  you  no  cause  of  complaint, 

I  propose,  as  the  only  quite  feasible  plan, 
To  give  you  a  second-hand  Saint. 

"  To  the  neighboring  church  you  will  presently  go, 

And  this  is  the  plan  I  advise  :  — 
First,  say  a  few  oivs  — a  hundred  or  so  — 

Then  carefully  bandage  your  eyes  ; 

"  Then  (saying  more  avea)  go  groping  around. 

And,  touching  one  object  alone, 
The  Saint  you  are  seeking  will  quickly  be  found. 

For  the  first  that  you  touch  is  your  own." 

Tlie  lawyer  did  as  his  Holiness  said, 

Without  an  omission  or  flaw ; 
Then,  taking  the  bandages  off  from  his  head. 

What  do  you  think  he  saw? 


Notes  and  References.  305 

There  was  St.  Micliad  (figured  in  paiut) 

Subduing  the  Father  of  Evil ; 
And  the  lawj^er,  exclaiming  "  Be  thou  our  Saint!" 
Was  touching  the  form  of  the  Devil,  ! 
For  the  legend  of  St.  Evona,  a  lawyer  of  Brittanie.    See  Notes 
and  Queries,  1st  Series,  Vol.  I.,  p.  152. 

132.  The  Farmer  and  the  Counsellor.  Nimmo's  Humorous 
Poetry,  p.  230. 

134.    The  Counsel's  Tear.    Pf«<c/i,  Vol.  XXI.  (1851),  p.  239. 

136.  Baines  Carew  Gentleman.  Babh  Ballads.  By  Wm.  S. 
Gilbert. 

140.  Poor  Richards' Opinion.  By  Dr.  Franklin  (1798),  ITar- 
per's  Monthli/,  Vol.  XIT.  (1856),  p.  139. 

141.  The  Rush  to  the  Bar.  By  Alex.  Nicolson,  now  sheriff  sub- 
stitute of  Kirkcudbright,  Scotland,  a  famous  Gaelic  scholar.  The 
above  poem,  oi  iginally  app  -aving  iu  Journal  of  Jurisprudence, 
Vol.  XV.,  p.  881,  Dec.  23, 1870,  is  taken  from  "Bailads  of  the  Bench 
and  Bar  or  Idle  Lays  of  Parliament  House,"  privately  printed, 
1882,  at  the  Edinburgh  University  Press,  by  T.  and  A .  Constable. 

144.  The  Song#f  the  Intrant.  From  Journal  of  Jurispru- 
dence. Vol.  XIX.,  p.  459,  also  republished  in  "Ballads  of  the 
Bench  and  Bar." 

148.  Crossing  the  Rubicon.  From  Journal  of  Jurisprudence, 
Vol.  XIX.,  p.  212,  also  republished  in  "Ballads  of  the  Bench  and 
Bar." 

151.  Advice  to  a  Young  Lawyer.  By  Justice  Joseph  Story, 
Laio  Reporter,  Vol.  VIII.,  p.  252,     Life,  Vol.  II.,  p.  620. 

154.  On  Hearing  an  Argument  in  Court.  By  Justice  Joseph 
Story.    Life,  Vol.  II.,  p.  -113. 

155.  The  Briefless  Barrister.  By  John  G.  Saxe.  Ke vised 
after  first  publication  in  The  Knickerbocker,  and  republished  in 
his  poems. 

158.  Elegy  Written  in  the  Temple  Gardens.  First  appeared 
in  the  Legal  Examiner,  afterwards  in  A)nerica7i  Jurist,  Vol.  XVI., 
p.  241  (Oct.  1836),  credited  to  former  serial. 

165.  The  Brief.  Punch,  Vol.  X.  (1846),  p.  148.  Sung  in  one 
o£ Punch's  legal  "At  Homes." 


306  Notes  and  References. 

166.  Tlie  First  Client.  Scribner's  Monthly,  Vol.  XIY.  (1877), 
p.  575.  [A  legal  ditty  to  be  sung  -syitliout  chorus  to  the  aix*  of 
'•The  King's  Old  Courtier."]  By  Irwin  Kussell,  who  died  in 
New  Orleans,  December  23,  1879.  See  memorial  lines  by  H.  C. 
Bunner  in  Puck.    Also  in  Scrxbner,  Vol.  XIX.,  p.  799. 

170.  Monodie  on  the  Deatli  of  an  Only  Client.  Attributed  to 
Punch.    Albany  Law  Journal,  Yol.  I.,  p.  369. 

173.  A  Successful  Career.  Journal  of  Jurispi-udence,  Vol. 
XVIII.,  p.  477.     Republished  in  "  Ballads  of  the  Bench  and  Bar.'' 

174.  The  Vision  and  the  Reality.  By  "a  Lady"  and  Joel 
Parker.    American  Law  lie-view,  Yol.  X.,  p.  265. 

177.  A  Wnimsical  Attorney's  Bill.  Published  in  Harper's 
Monthly,  Vol.  XLIV.,  p.  i76,  as  copied  from  an  English  grammar 
of  1799,  and  en  titled  :  — 

"A  bill  of  charges  justly  due 
From  A.  B.  C.  to  S.  T.  U." 

179.  The  Bachelor's  Dream.  By  John  Eankine,  /.dvocate, 
Edinburgh.  Republished  in  "Ballads  of  the  Bench  and  Bar," 
from  Journal  of  Jurisprudence,  Yol.  XXIf.,  p.  155.  "The  follow- 
ing verses. were  found  in  the  editor's  box  at  the  Parliament  House. 
They  seem  to  be  the  result  of  a  nocturnal  visitation  which  had 
disturbed  the  repose  of  some  contributor  to  the  Advocate's  Widows' 
Fund,  who  had  imprudently  retired  to  I'est  after  endeavoring  to 
master  the  contents  of  the  Actuarie's  Report  some  time  previous 
to  the  meeting  of  the  20th  ult." 

182.  My  Widow.  By  David  Crichton,  author  of  the  "Cir- 
cuiteer's  Lament,"  see  p.  221,  post.  Journal  of  Jurisprudence, 
Vol.  XXIY.,  p.  51.  By  an  involuntary  contributor  to  what  he 
thinks  the  most  iniquitous  institution  of  the  nineteenth  century — 
"  The  Advocate's  Widows'  Fund." 

185.  Monboldo.  From  "  Songs  and  Verses,  Social  and  Scien- 
tific," (Lord  Neaves),  also  in  Journal  of  Jurispi'udence,  Yol.  XII., 
p.  280.  To  justify  the  insertion  of  these  verses  among  the  Lyrics 
of  the  Law,  we  may  quote  the  Journal  of  Jurisprudence  : 

"It  would  be  out  of  place  here,  except  that  Scotch  lawyers  have 
certainly  a  class  feeling  which  will  be  well  satisfied,  that  one  of  his 
successors  should  so  gallantly  vindicate  the  right  of  Lord  Mon- 
boddo  to  be  considered  the  true  author  of  what  is  unfairly  called 
the  'Darwinian'  docti'ine  of  the  origin  of  species.     Every  Scotch 


Notes  and  References.  307 

lawyer  w  bound  to  dispute  Mr.  Darwin's  title  to  the  invention  of 
this  theory." 

186.  Th8  Process  of  Wakening.  By  George  Outram.  A  pro- 
ceeding which  might  be  deemed  analogous  to  a  bill  of  revivor  in 
American  Chancery  Proceedings. 

189.    Soumin  and  Eoumin.    By  George  Outram. 

192.  The  Kule  to  Compute.  Punch,  Vol.  I.  (1841),  p.  273. 
"Ballads  of  the  Brietiess." 

193.  Signing  a  Plea.  Fundi,  Yol.  I.  ( 1841) ,  p.  273.  "Ballads 
of  the  Briefless." 

194.  A  Misjoinder,    narper'sMonthly,^d\.,^Nl.,]}.^lQ. 

196.  The  Orderly  Parts  of  Pleaiing.  Legal  Gazette,  Vol.  IV., 
p.  59.  "The  orderly  parts  of  pleading  at  common  law,  together 
with  the  rules  which  tend  to  the  production  of  an  issue.  A  metrical 
composition  by  Dr.  S.  D.  Sibbet." 

Just  here  we  offer  as  an  encore,  to  the  air  of  "  Co-ca-che-lunk," 
Mr.  Irving  Browne's  "  Psalm  of  Law."  See  Browne's  "  Humorous 
Phases  of  the  Law,"  revised  edition,  p.  240. 

A  PSALM  OF  LAW. 

What  the  heart  of  the  CoOAfier  said  to  tJie  Pleader. 

Tell  me  not,  in  accents  croaking, 

"  Brevity's  an  empty  dream  "  ; 
What's  the  use,  with  verbal  cloaking, 

To  make  things  other  than  they  seem? 

Law  is  real ;  and  law's  expensive ; 

Special  pleading's  not  its  goal ; 
Ehetoric  and  tape  make  pensive 

Many  a  weary  client's  soul. 

To  orate,  or  rouse  to  passion 

In  your  pleading's  not  the  way  ; 
State  your  case  in  simple  fashion. 

Let  the  judge  see  what's  to  pay. 

Law  is  long  and  time  is  fleeting. 
And  our  lij)s,  dull  habit's  slave, 
*  Are,  forgetting  fact,  repeating 

The  old  forms  our  fathers  gave. 


308  Notea  and  Bcferencer,. 

In  the  field  of  litigation, 

In  the  strife  of  good  and  evil, 
With  straightforward  allegation 

Tell  the  truth  and  shame  the  devil. 

Trust  not  Humphrey,  Barbour,  Chitty ; 

Let  dead  cases  bury  their  dead ; 
With  stale  lies  'tis  surely  pity 

To  bother  any  judge's  head ! 

Lives  of  pleaders  all  remind  us, 

We  may  make  our  lives  a  bore, 
And,  departing,  leave  behind  us 

Pleas  choke  full  of  useless  lore;  — 

Precedents  that  perhaps  another, 

Doomed  by  cruel  fate  to  find,  — 
Some  perplexed  and  anxious  brother, 

Eeadiug,  shall  quite  lose  his  mind ! 

Sell  your  form  books  for  waste  paper ; 
State  the  facts  at  any  rate ; 
fesitating  how  to  shape  a 
Pleading — why,  abbreviate. 

199.  Jury  Trial  in  Days  of  Edward  I.  Attributed  to  John 
Gibson  Lockhart.  This  translation  in  volume  ten  of  the  Journal 
of  Jurisprwlence,  p.  51,  is  preceded  by  the  following  note  :  "Ifc 
may  amuse  our  readers  to  compare  with  our  modern  feelings 
the  earliest  strictures  on  that  '  palladium  of  our  liberties '  with 
which  we  happen  to  be  acquainted.  These  are  contained  in  an 
Anglo-Norman  ballad  of  the  reign  of  Edward  L,  the  author  of 
which  seems  to  have  had  excellent  opportunities  of  judging  of  the 
capacity  of  the  jurymen  of  his  day.  It  seems  to  ns  to  be  a  singu- 
larly strikiug  and  picturesque  expression  of  individual  feeling, 
and  probably  of  popular  feeling  also.  We  extract  a  translation 
from  the  '  Janus,'  a  long-forgotten  Edinburgh  miscellany  in 
which  the  writers  are  anonymous.  But  it  is  known  that  Wilson 
and  Lockhart  were  the  principal  contributors,  and  it  is  impossible 
not  to  recognize  in  tlie  ease  and  fluency  the  simplicity  and  vigor  of 
the  lines,  the  accomplished  hand  of  the  translator  of  the  Spanish 
ballads." 

202.  The  Pet  of  the  British  Jury.  Fundi,  Vol.  XXXI.  (1856), 
p.  23. 


Notes  and  References.  309 

205.  Digest  of  Lord  's  Evidence  before  the  Royal  Com- 
mission as  to  Jury  Trial.  Journal  of  Jurisprudence,  Yol.  XIV., 
p.  623,  signed  G.  J. 

206.  Light  from  an  Eminent  S.  S.  C.  Journal  of  JurUpi'u- 
dence,  Yol.  XY.,  p.  642. 

208.  The  Jury  Law  Victim.  Dedicated  to  the  Attorney-Cxen- 
eral.     Funch,  Yol.  LXn.  (1872),  p.  211. 

210.    Juror  No.  6.    Legal  Gazette,  Yol.  III.,  p.  29. 

212  The  Home  Circuit.  Songs  of  the  Circuit;  The  Home. 
Punch,  Yol.  YI.  (18i4),  p.  133. 

213.  The  Mississippi  Witness.  By  Irwin  Eussell.  Scribner, 
Yol.  XIII  (1876) ,  p.  236.     See  note  to  166,  "  The  First  Client." 

216.  The  Demise  of  Doe  and  Roe.  Punch,  Yol.  XXIII.  (1852) , 
p.  53. 

221.  The  Circuiteer's  Lament.  By  David  Crichton,  Advo- 
cate, Edinburgh.  Journal  of  Jurisprudence,  Yol.  XYI.,  p.  377. 
Beprinted  in  "Ballads  of  the  Bench  and  Bar,"  with  title  of  "The 
Ex-Circuiteer's  Lament." 

225.  A  Case  of  Libel.  Thomas  Moore.  Collected  "Works,  (Lit- 
tle, Brown  &  Co.  1836),  Yol.  III.,  p.  78. 

228,  Report  of  an  Adjudged  Case.  William  Cowper.  Poeti- 
cal Works  (Little,  Brown  &  Co.  1853),  Yol.  I.,  p.  210. 

230.  Hat  vs.  Wig.  Thomas  Moore.  Collected  Works  (Little, 
Brown  &  Co.  1856),  Yol.  III.,  p.  68.  At  the  midniglit  funeral  of 
the  Duke  of  York,  in  St.  George's  Chapel,  Windsor,  in  January, 
1827,  the  night  was  bitterly  severe.  No  carpet  nor  matting  had 
been  laid  on  the  bare  stones.  Lord  Eldon  placed  his  cocked  hat 
under  his  feet  and  stood  upon  it.  Stapletnn  says  that  Canning 
suggested  t;)  him  the  act  that  probably  saved  the  old  man's  life. 
Unhappily  Canning  had  not  tak(  n  the  same  care  of  his  own,  his 
death  resulting  from  a  cold  caught  ou  that  occasion.  Hall's 
"  Retrospect  of  a  Lo  ig  Life,"  p.  91. 

234.    The  Cise  Alt3red.    Humorous  Poctiy,  Nimmo,  p.  260. 

237.  A  Settlement  Case.  Reported  in  Burrow's  Settlement 
Casjs,  p.  337. 

239.    Punch  in  Chancery.    P«7ic/i,  Yol.  Y.  (1843),  p.  54. 


310  Notes  and  Beferoices. 

241.    State  vs.  Day;  The  Law  of  Husband  and  Wife.    By 

Judge  R.  M.  Charlton  of  Savauuah,  GLorgia,  Reporter  of  Georgia 
Decisions  from  1811-1837.  PaLlislied  in  the  American  Jurist, 
Vol.  XX.  (1838),  p.  237.  Collections  of  his  poems  were  published, 
Boston,  1833,  New  York,  1843,  died  1854. 

248.  Coopsr  vs.  Bloodgood,  a  "riprarian"  poem;  or.  License 
and  Lease.  By  William  Paterson.  jVew  Jersey  Law  Journal, 
Vol.  IV.,  p.  127. 

253.  Craft  vs  Boite.  By  R.  H.  Thornton.  Washington  Law 
lieporter,  Vol.  VL,  p.  92.  The  ease  is  reported  in  1  Saunders, 
p.  242. 

257.  Regina  vs.  Gallars.  Pu)/c/i's  version  of  the  case  of  Re- 
giua  V.  Gallt-ars  is  a  clear  statement  of  the  case  officially  reported 
in  1  Denison's  Crown  Cases,  p.  501,  and  also  in  2  Carrington  & 
Kirwin,  981 ;  the  case  cited  therein,  Regina  v.  Cox,  will  be 
found  in  1  Carrington  &  Kirwin,  494,  the  decision  being  that  "An 
indictment  for  stealing  '  three  eggs  of  the  value  of  twopence  of  the 
goods  and  chattels  of  S.  H.'  is  bad,  for  not  stating  the  species  of 
eggs,  because  it  does  not  show  that  the  eggs  stolen  might  not  be 
such  as  are  not  the  subject  of  larceny." 

259.  Lewis  vs.  State.  19  Kansas,  p.  2G6.  In  the  nineteenth 
volume  of  Reports  of  the  Suj)reme  Court  of  Kansas,  this  versifica- 
tion is  given  with  the  following  :  — 

"  Reporter's  Ko'e.  The  i)eculiar  features  of  the  foregoing  case 
of  The  State  v.  Lewis  seem  to  justify  the  inserting  here  of  the 
'  poetical  report'  thereof,  written  by  Eugene  F.  Ware,  Esq.,  attor- 
ney at  liw  of  Fort  Scott,  and  which  he  published  in  the  Fort  Scott 
Daily  Monitor  of  the  10th  March,  1878. 

261.  Kuhn  et  al  vs.  Jewett,  Roceiver.  32  N.  J.  Eq.  647.  By 
William  B.  Gourley,  in  Xew  Jersey  Law  Journal,  V(d.  III.,  p.  223. 

266.  Gushing  vs.  Blake.  29  N.  J.  Eq.  3D9 ;  30  N.  J.  Eq.  689. 
By  William  B.  Gourley.  JVew  Jersey  Law  Journal,  Vol.  IV., 
p.  96. 

268.  Commonwealth  vs.  McAfee.  108  Mass.  458.  By  C.  P. 
Greenough.    American  Laui  Review,  Vol.  XL  (1877),  p.  332. 

269.  Opinion  of  the  Justices.  106  Mass.  p.  604.  By  C.  P. 
Greenough.     American  Lau^  Reoiev),  Vol.  XI  (1877),  p.  333. 

270.  Luther  vs.  Worcester.  97  Mass.  p.  272.  By  C.  P.  Green- 
ough.    American  Law  Review,  Vol.  XL  (1877;,  p.  333. 


Notes  and  References.  311 

271.  The  Lad  Frae  Cockpen.  Journal  of  Jurisprudence,  Vol. 
XXXII.,  p.  39.  A  married  man.  who  was  butler  to  a  gentleman  in 
the  parish  of  Cockpen,  Avent  to  Ireland,  where  he  obtained  a  similar 
situation  both  as  a  butler  and  a  married  man.  He  was  tried  for 
bigamy  before  Baron  Deasy  and  a  jury  at  Maryborough  Assizes, 
the  learned  judge  remarking  that  they  had  often  heard  of  the 
Laird  of  Cockpen,  but  now  they  had  his  butler.  The  prisoner 
was  convicted  and  sentenced  to  five  years  penal  servitude. 

"The  Laird  of  Cockpen,"  a  Scotch  ballad,  is  said  to  have 
been  written  by  Lady  Nairn,  and  refers  to  tUe  lands  of  Cockpen 
situated  about  seven  miles  from  Edinburgh.  While  Charles  11. 
was  in  Scotland  suffering  the  censure  of  austere  presbyter ianism, 
his  chief  confident  and  associate  was  the  Laird  of  Cockpen.  called 
by  the  nicknaming  manners  of  those  times  "Blythe  Cockpen." 
Cockpen  followed  Charles  to  the  Hague,  and  by  his  skill  in  play- 
ing Scottish  tunes,  and  his  sagacity  and  wit,  delighted  the  merry 
monarch,  and  played  to  him  his  favoi-ite  tune,  "Brose  and  But- 
ter," when  he  went  to  bed  and  l^efore  he  awakened.  At  the 
Restoration  (1660)  Cockpen  was  forgotton,  and  he  wandered  upon 
the  lands  he  once  had  owned  poor  and  unfriended.  His  letters 
to  the  court  were  not  presented  or  regarded,  and  he  resorted  to  his 
wits  to  gain  the  ear  of  the  king.  Ingratiating  himself  with  the 
king's  organist,  he  was  requested  by  him  to  play  the  organ  before 
the  king  at  divine  service.  Cockpen  played  with  exquisite  skill, 
yet  never  attracted  his  majesty's  eye.  But  at  the  close  of  the  ser- 
vice, instead  of  playing  the  tune  in  common  use,  he  played  up 
'  Brose  and  Batter."  The  organist  was  at  once  summoned  into 
the  presence  of  the  king.  "  My  Liege,  it  was  not  me,"  he  cried, 
and  dropped  upon  his  knees.  "You,"  cried  his  majesty,  in  a 
delirium  of  rapture,  "you  could  never  play  it  in  your  life.  Where 
is  the  man?  Let  me  see  him."  Cockpen  presented  himself  on 
his  knees.  "Ah,  Cockpen,  is  that  you?  Lord,  man,  I  was  like 
to  dance  coming  out  of  the  church."  "  I  once  danced,  too,"  said 
Cockpen,  "  but  tliat  was  when  I  had  land  of  my  own  to  dance  on." 
"Come  with  me,"  said  the  king,  taking  him  by  the  hand,  "you 
shall  dance  to  '  Brose  and  Butter'  on  your  own  lauds  again  to  the 
nineteenth  generation  "  ;  and  he  was  as  good  as  his  word.  8  J\'otes 
and  Quei'ies,  2d  Series,  123. 

273.  Owen  Kerr  vs.  Owen  Kerr.    Western  Jurist,  Vol.  V.  p.  138. 

274.  Tuff  vs.  Warman.  5  C.  B.  N.  S.  p.  573.  Law  Magazine 
and  lieview,  Vol.  XVII.,  p.  23i. 


312 


Notea  and  References. 


280.  Hopkins  vs.  W.  P.  R.  R.  Co.  By  an  officious  Eeportei-. 
50  California  Ileijorts,  p.  190.  Action  for  damages  for  creating 
and  maintaining  a  nuisance.  S.  W.  Sanderson,  for  appellant. 
The  acts  complained  of  are  damnurti  absque  injuria.  Bndd, 
McKinne,  and  Martin,  for  respondent.  Appellant  had  no  right 
to  construct  road  in  front  of  respondent's  residence,  and  if  it 
had,  the  road  should  have  been  so  constructed  as  not  to  form  an 
obstruction  or  nuisance 

Per  Curiam,  Mclviustry,  J. : 

"The  court  below  also  erred  in  admitting  evidence  of  the  pur- 
pose for  which  the  portion  of  the  street  beneath  the  shadow  of  the 
defendant's  culvert  was  used.  The  employees  of  defendant  were 
not  moving  xoithin  the  scope  of  their  employinent  in  the  acts  com- 
plained of,  but  on  their  own  account;  and  it  does  not  appear  that 
the  additional  easement  was  enjoyed  exclusively  by  the  defendant. 
The  doctrine  respondeat  superior  does  not  apply," 

We  are  told  that  the  unfortitnate  plaintiff  and  respondent  in 
disgust  sold  his  pleasant  residence,  and  emigrated  to  Alabama  or 
Georgia,  or  to  some  region  still  intractable  to  the  miracles  of  rail- 
way engineering. 

290.    McVey  vs.  Hennigan.    "Ballads  of  the  Bench  and  Bar." 


Legal  Recreations, 


COMBINING 


Romance,  Poetry,  Wit,  Humor,  and  Law. 

Good  Law  and  Good  Reading. 


Eight  Volumes  now  ready  as  follows: 

Bro-wne's  Humorous  Phases  of  the  Law,  16  10.  ClOtll,  §1  50 

Brov^ne's  Common  Words  and  Phrases,          "  1.50 

ProflFatt's  Curiosities  and  Law  of  Wills,            •  •  1 .  50 

Paget's  Judicial  Puzzles,                                        "  1 .  50 

Rogers' Law  of  the  Road,                                      "  1.50 

Rogers'  Law  of  the  House,                                    "  1 .  50 

Baldw^in's  Flush  Times  in  Alabama,                    '•  1 .  50 

Croke's  Lyrics  of  the  Law,                                    "  1 .  50 


IN     PRESS. 
POKVIS     OK     THK     LAW, 


EDITED    BY 


J.    GREENBAG   CROKE, 


EMBRACINC; 


GeneeaLi  Average,  -  -  -         Win.  Allen  Butler 

Ye  Ballade  of  Chancery,         -  -         From  Punch     ^ 

Jacob  Homnium's  Hoss,  -  -  -  IFw.  M.  Thackeray 
The  Eoman  Lawyer  in  Jerusalem,  -  -  W.  W.  Story 
The  Conveyancer's  Guide,  ----- 
The  Pleader's  Guide,         -  -  -J.  Anstey 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN     INITIAL     FINE     OF     25     CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  SO  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $1.00  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


APR   10  1933 
m  17  t93g 


LD  21-50m-l,'3c 


YB  7535 


2351 50 


